How about a joke thread?

[LeRoux Strydom]

A motorist, on his way home from work in Westminster came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself,
"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual."

After a short while he noticed a police officer coming towards him between the lines of stopped cars.
He rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what`s the hold up?"

The constable replied,
"Tony Blair is depressed, so he has stopped his motorcar and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire.
He is upset that no one believes his stories:
about why we went to war in Iraq;
or that there is no pension crisis;
and no worsening economy;
or that there is no constant adding of stealth taxes;
or that the health service is safe in his hands;
or that his education reforms are doing any good;
or that immigration is under control;
or that he is not George Bush's lapdog;
or that his party's proposed tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends;
or that his chairmanship of the European Community hasn't just led to more power being surrendered to the French;
or that the sacked NHS boss deserves his multi-million payoff and peerage;
or that his Cartier-adorned Wicked Witch never breaks the ministerial code over her blind passion for freebies;
or that none of his cabinet ministers have ever had dodgy spouses and/or secret offshore bank accounts and/or questionable shareholdings;
or that he will never be caught up in Silvio's dirty laundry spin;
or that following the 'sham' Hutton report he is increasingly using the BBC for his own political ends ........

So we're taking up a collection for him."
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Thoughtfully, the man asked, "How much have you got so far?"
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"About 40 gallons, but some people are still syphoning..........

[pwd72s]

Hoot! Same joke making the rounds here. Only it's Hillary!, not Tony Blair...

[widebody911]

Looks like you've never seen http://snopes.com

Originally posted by imcarthur
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

[imcarthur]

I just pass them on. I don't analyze them . . .

Ian

[pwd72s]

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.....

She said "The bastard used coins"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed !

[pwd72s]

A guy with a 25-inch penis went to a doctor and said, "I can't live with this anymore! It's too long."

The doctor replied, "I can't do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the bayou, she can help you."

So, he went to the bayou and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, "Go into the swamp and get a female frog. Ask her to marry you. She'll say "No", and you'll lose 5 inches off your penis!"

So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her, "Will you marry me?"

"No!", she said.

He lost 5 inches off his penis!

The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog said, "No!"

And the guy lost another 5 inches. He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.

So he asked, "Will you marry me?"

And the frog said, "How many time do I have to tell you . . . NO! NO! NO!"

[Superman]

Okay, here's my offering:

A man shows up at home early one afternoon from his job at a pickle factory. His wife is understandably surprised and asks why he's home so early. He says "Honey, I was fired today."

"Fired?! Why did they fire you"

"Well honey, I have a confession to make. You see, the entire time I have worked at the pickle factory, I have had an urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer. Today I failed to resist that temptation and was caught. That is why they fired me."

"Oh my gosh!" she says, and opens his britches to take a peek at the carnage. She says "I don't see any damage here. What happened to the pickle slicer?


He replies:



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"They fired her too."

[75Carrera]

A man had an obsession with his red Porsche and spent many hours every week working on his car.

He spent excessive amounts of money on parts and upgrades to make it faster and faster.

She was jealous of the attention he paid to “his car” and the late night hours he spent in the garage.

Just before her birthday she finally had enough and gave him an ultimatum.

“This year, for my birthday, I want something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200, just for me!”

A few weeks later she awoke on the morning of her birthday and looked out the front window.

In the driveway sat a box with a big red bow.

She went out in her bathrobe and approached the package. She opened it tentatively.

Inside the box was a digital bathroom scale!

His funeral is Wednesday of next week!

[widebody911]

Easter is the christian "groundhog day" - if Jesus gets up and sees his shadow, it means there's going to be one more year of christianity.

http://www.jesusdressup.com/

[75Carrera]

AS Easter approaches so does the allergy season out here in the west. Has anyone else noticed the subtle way the Lord keeps his name in our minds as Easter approaches? The allergies effect the nasal membrains in a unique way. I noticed that as I am blowing out the excessive seasonal flow (several dozen times every day) the name "Jesus" comes to my lips virtually every time!
I certainly appreciate and prefer this little reminder over the others like busting knuckles on our Porsches or even worse after hearing our wrench ask "do you want the good news or the bad news first?"
Happy Easter to all!!

[kach22i]

Here is the of the tale of the elderly Scots tramp who turned up at an English gent's newly acquired Highland estate asking if there were any odd jobs he could do for a hot meal. The English gent considered for a while then produced a pot of bright pink paint and said - "Yes, old chap. Take this and recoat the porch at the back of the house...."
An hour later the tramp banged on the door. "All done sir. And by the way, it's not a Porche, it's a Mercedes......."

[imcarthur]

African Roulette

The ambassador of a small African nation decided to visit Russia and was entertained by a gentleman who was to be the new Russian ambassador to the African country.

For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined and treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded. You spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.

This bothered the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.

Both men took their guns, spun the cylinders and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the idea before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all the hospitality his land had to offer until the final day of his stay.

Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".

He led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members from each of our tribes. Any one of them will give you fantastic oral sex - take your pick".

The Russian was very excited about this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.

He said, "Ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

The African ambassador answered: " One of them is a cannibal."

[pwd72s]

This year's winners of the Bulwer-Lytton contest, a.k.a. the "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" (run by the English Department of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Though Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it didn't keep her from squeaking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word ' fear '; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER IS...
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, ''You lied!"
GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS:
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." --- Stephen Bishop
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --- Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --- Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." --- Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." --- Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --- Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." --- Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --- Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --- Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --- Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --- Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --- Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --- Billy Wilder

[EdT82SC]

Why we split up......

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back........

[swa911]

What does a girl from Arkansas and Winnie The Pooh have in common?


They both like to suck thier paw.

[imcarthur]

City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:__________________________
Gang:__________________________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he
misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each
drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he
attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball
to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per
gram. What is the street value of the balance of the
cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is
$65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl
have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day
crack habit?

4. Jarone want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make
20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a
Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3
4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make
$800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got
$10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is
spending $100 per month, how much money will be left
when he gets out of prison and how many years will he
get for killing the b*tch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and
the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters
can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27
girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the
gang has Hector knocked up?

9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for
$7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for
each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%,
how many more children should she have to keep up with
her expenses?

10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack and his
bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman
12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose
by jumping bail?

Ian

[imcarthur]

Well, it's not a midlife crisis, but here's how things worked out for me:

After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a
hot 25 year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year Old Woman.

It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

Now my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

I shut up and took out the trash.

[raj911]

I am sure we have all read this before, but never fails to crack me up

As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school and finish grade 5. This is Mike's homework assignment ... He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

Hotel -
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

Dictate -
My girlfriend say my dictate good.

Catacomb -
I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

Foreclose -
If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

Rectum -
I had two Cadillacs, but my b!tch rectum both.

Disappointment -
My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment, they gonna send me back to the joint.

Penis -
I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

Israel -
Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake." He say, "Bull****, that watch Israel."

Undermine -
There's a fine lookin' ho in the apartment undermine.

Acoustic -
When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool hall.

Iraq -
When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle, "Iraq, you break."

Stain -
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

Fortify -
I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say, fortify."

Income -
I just got in bed wif a ho and income my wife.

[ricochet]

Funny!
Elsewhere on Brokeback Mountain, a successful rancher died and left everything
to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep
the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and
the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than
the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "! You have Done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town And kick up
your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock
came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned
around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow
sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly
called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired."

[ricochet]

Whats better, roses on the piano, or tulips on the organ???