How about a joke thread?

[idontknow]

a suburbanite goes fishing one weekend. He puts on ratty clothes and a stinky hat. He hops in his old beaten up ford pickup and goes down to the ocean, fishes and is on his way home.

He gets going a little fast and dosent see the cop behind the hill. He gets pulled over.

The cop approaches and says "sir, do you know how fast you were going?" to which the man replies "no, werent you paying attention either?" to lighten the mood, hoping to get off with a warning.

"Dont get smart with me you bum" he scowls in retort. "You worthless piece of shat, telling me how to do my job, why dont you get a job yourself you bum!"

The man is taken aback a bit at the misinterpretation of his remark. He replies "I have a job sir" The cop replies "Yeah what do you do, spit wash windshields at traffic lights?"

At this point the guy is a little pissed and says "No, I'm a rectum strecher" The cop is silent. "I take two fingers and work them in. Then I get one fist in then another." The cop is stunned "finally, I get the two sides spread out about 6 feet. Its really cool to watch." After a moment the cop comes back with "What do you do with a six foot *********?"

to which the gentleman replies "I dont know, I guess you could give him a radar gun and stick him on the side of the road behind a hill."

[pwd72s]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.
The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food. And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes.
There is a girl out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked brunette woman floating face up headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked brunette woman, face up, gorgeous body and breasts and totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes, she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know ... screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked,
"Out of what?!!"

[pwd72s]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[oldE]

Two novice Nuns were caught sneaking back in over the convent fence after curfew. When they were brought before the Father to confess their misdeed, they professed sorrow, saying,"Oh Father. We're so sorry we were out after hours"
The priest replies,"Don't worry Sisters. Sometimes I go out after mine, too."

[RoninLB]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
"Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl! replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million
dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queen.

[joeclarke]

Where's the P-car content?

[widebody911]

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go...."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a vet."

[RoninLB]

THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS:

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden
feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache
and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history.......................

[pwd72s]

summer camp
Date: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 17:50:30 -0400





Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did, also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets.

Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Your loving son,
Little Johnny

[Owain]

Did you hear about the guy who wanted to buy some camoflage pants?



He couldn't find any.

[}{arlequin]

....or about the Polish Dracula?

He bit Dolly Parton....













......on the neck.

[Robert Coats]

Q: What do you call a group of Polish guys with turbans?

A: PackofStanleys

[Owain]

So, how deep would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

[david c.]

This miserable divorced poor bastard was sitting at his house, eating a microwave dinner, watching the typically awful evening news after a long day at his job as a garbageman.

There's a knock at the door.

He's not expecting anyone, so he's a bit miffed that he has to stand up.

But he does, and when he opens the door...

There's no one there.

In anger, he prepares to slam the door shut and resume eating that microwave dinner, but...

at the last second he notices a little snail on the doorstep, looking up at him with those big snail eyes and cutely waving his little snail antennae

But that bastard just kicked the snail off the doorstep with all his garbageman might, and the snail flew all the way across the street.

Some three years later, that sorry sap was sitting at that same table, eating very much the same meal, and watching the miserable evening news on an equally boring day, when...

There was a knock at the door.

Again, he was expecting no one, and had similar disdain for getting up after a long day of picking up trash. But he opened the door and found..

No one was there.

So he was mad.

He was about to slam the door as was his habitual reaction, when

He looked down to find the very same snail who said:

"Hey, what the hell was that for?"

[RoninLB]

Heavy drinker, 35. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.


Bitter, disillusioned Dublinman, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced *****es.


Ginger haired, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes,maybe more.


Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.


Devil-worshipper, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining , good conversation , dancing , romantic walks and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.


Limerickman, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.


Optimistic man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

[kach22i]

The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom.

The committee chairman explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.

[RoninLB]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has the generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin >and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.

[WOODPIE]

Teacher: Write a short poem, using the word Timbuktu

Smart Kid: Across the burning desert sand
Came a traveling caravan.
Camels plodding, two by two,
Destination: Timbuktu

Wise A**: Tim and I, a-hiking we went.
Came upon three whores in a tent.
Not knowing just what to do, I bucked one,
And Timbuktu

[bryanthompson]

What do you call 100,000 liberals moving to Canada?

A good start

[kach22i]

Bush orders the Draft!