How about a joke thread?

[svandamme]

some dude is driving on the authbahn in his 2-CV




runs out of gas, and parks it on the hard shoulder

Porsche stops, drivers asks the guy if he needs help
ends up towing the 2cv to the nearby fuel station

almost there, a Ferrari zooms by

without much thought about the 2cv , the Porsche guns it
chases down the ferrari , and closes the gap , speeds well above 200km/h


Polizei headquarters get's loud shouting on the radio

" HANS! alaaarm , zeree's a Porsche tailgating a Ferrari at zuperspeed, but that's not it , you'll never believe it , zere's a 2Cv chasing ze Porsche, flashing ze lights and honking ze horn to pass it !! "

[Saintly]

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says:
" I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[Isabo]

A housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good
idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh..
immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[imcarthur]

A retired persons day:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in Winchester Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a warden writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So I called him a piece of dog ****. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then, he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't give a sh$t. I came into town by bus! But I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.

-----------------
A young father is heading home from work one evening, looking forward to seeing his wife and kids. On a dark country road, he collides with a deer and kills it. Unsure of what what to do next, he decides to throw the dead deer into his car and to take it home with him.

When he gets home he tells his wife and together they agree that the best thing to do is simply to skin it and prepare it for the evening meal.

Later that evening, the kids sit down for dinner and ask their mother "Mummy, what is this?". She replies, "Just try it, you'll like it, it's nice". The kids ask again so their mother decides to give them a clue. "OK - It's got a name which is the same as a name Mummy sometimes calls Daddy".

The youngest child jumps up, alarmed and shouts "don't eat it, don't eat it - its an arsehole!"

-----------------

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[djmcmath]

Originally posted by imcarthur
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

That's awesome, you just made my day. Thanks.

[StevoRocket]

A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a

while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to

watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with

beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect

night for romance.



As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the

Welshman.



Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.



But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his

arm from around the sheep.



After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,

but there was no more cuddling.



A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.


The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman

the Welshman had ever seen.



She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly

nursed her back to health.



When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their

evening beach ritual.



It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and

gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.



Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again.



He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned

over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[sammyg2]

Q.) If you are watching the ball game with a few friends and your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging at you, what did you do wrong?
A.) You made her chain too long


Q.) Why do brides wear white?
A.) the dishwasher should always match the refrigerator

Please don't tell my wife I said that........

[ricochet]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? "Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

[StevoRocket]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's."

[Steve Carlton]

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your...

[oldE]

Three elderly ladies were resting on a park bench mid-way through their afternoon stroll. As they were catching their breath, a man in a trench coat suddenly turned, opened his coat and flashed them! Two of the ladies immediately had a stroke. The third, who was feeble and unable to reach, had to content herself with looking.

Les

[Craig 930 RS]

Saw this on the 'net - a bit corny, but fun:

Can you raed tihs? I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

[Taz's Master]

Then this farmer said: "I'm not worried about sellnpig anymore, it's not like it ****os."

[Craig 930 RS]

Dood, we need the first letter ;-)

[schamp]

bump

[kach22i]

The Canoe Race

A German company and an American company decided to have a canoe race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Germans won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and depressed. The American company decided the reason for their crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior executives was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. They discovered that the German had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.

The American Management Team hired a consulting firm to assist in analyzing this data, happily paying their considerable fee. After six months of hard work, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering the Americans' boat, while not enough people were rowing. So the American Team
acted:

To prevent losing to the Germans again the following year, the team's management structure was totally reorganized, to include 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. In an all-out attempt to further provide empowerment and enrichment's to the rower, new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised in exchange for a victory in the next competition.

The next race the Germans won by two miles. Humiliated, the American Management Team laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses for a job well done.

Note: This was already posted as it's own thread in the O.T. forum by someone else.

[kach22i]

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in,"So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex" He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

_______________________________________

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"

_______________________________________


DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have the sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out! , "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

_______________________________________


OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

_______________________________________


SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,"Herman, I j! ust heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Inters tate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

______________________________________


DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could ! have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

----------------------------------------------

"If God is your copilot...change seats!"

[Steve Carlton]

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Mastercard," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50."

[imcarthur]

[EdT82SC]

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply: Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."