How about a joke thread?

[pwd72s]

Subject: Sharing


He ordered one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.The
old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out
the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile
in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip
and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and
whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old
couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man
began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered
to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just
fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people
noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there
watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are
used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his
face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little
old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it
you are waiting for?" She answered....




(This is great)








"THE TEETH."

[Waz356]

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian if she has any books on suicide.

She says "F*** off, you wont bring them back!!!"

[kach22i]

Thrappman.....................not ready for work.

http://website.lineone.net/~wingpig/thrappman.swf

[gatotom]

I hope this hasen't been around here yet but o'well here goes....

remember Cliff Clavin in Cheers, well Cliff was explaining to Norn the Buffalo Theory, it goes like this:

Well ya see, Norm, its like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular comsumption of beer eliminates the weakest brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

[gatotom]

not that I want to kill the thought about drinking but here are some famous words from notable people.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
~Frank Sinatra

Beer is proof tha God loves us and wants us to be happy.
~Benjamin Franklin

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven.
~Brian O'Rourke

[imcarthur]

REDNECK BIRD DOGS FROM TENNESSEE

[imcarthur]

WARNING

Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on ticks
and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now!

[pwd72s]

Should Children Witness Childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor
began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, smack his butt again"

[addictionMS]

A teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."



One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted one. "That's that we would call a great loss."



The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"



Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice, he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson. "That's right! And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[imcarthur]

Ian

[widebody911]

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

[Brian 162]

What does FIAT stand for?

(in any accent)

Found In A Toilet!

[Rob Channell]

Originally posted by Brian 162
What does FIAT stand for?

(in any accent)

Found In A Toilet!

My brother used to own one.
All his friends decided it meant
"Fix It Again, Tom."

[dhoward]

Fix it again, Tony.
(Italian sports car...)

[Brian 162]

What does a blonde and a 747 have in common?

They both have black boxes.

[kqw]

I am We Todd Did

I am Sofa King We Todd Did.....

[imcarthur]

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10".
The hillbilly said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count... "1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

[imcarthur]

Why you should never question a drunk...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of skim milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."

[EdT82SC]

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

[EdT82SC]

What follows is a transcript of The Editors' regular Saturday-night poker game with Dick Cheney from a 6/19/04 game. The tape starts at 12:32 AM.
The Editors: We'll take three cards.
Dick Cheney: Give me one.
[Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and rearranged. Non-committal noises, puffing of cigars.]
TE: Fifty bucks.
DC: I'm in. Show 'em.
TE: Two pair, sevens and fives.
DC: Not good enough.
TE: What do you have?
DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up.
TE: Can you show us your cards?
DC: Sure. One of them's a six.
TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game is played.
Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming evidence that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips. In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged in a poker hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney's hand was already well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We are absolutely convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house.
Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a home run for the Administration right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in World War II, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book.
TE: He's extremely good at PowerPoint. But we would like to see the cards, or else we can't really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don't think he would lie to us, but ... well, it is a very rich pot.
Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand contend that "he doesn't have anything." Oh, really, liberal critics? Cheney has already showed them the six of clubs, and yet these liberals persist in saying he has "nothing." Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing?" Is it because the six of clubs is black?
Matt Drudge: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal flush, hearts. Developing ...
TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards which beat two pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is?
DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the pot. It is important that things be done in this order, otherwise the foundation of our entire poker game will be destroyed.
TE: We aren't sure ...
DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush.
Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his pre-collection claims about beating two pair.
TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush.
Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick Cheney's cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems like segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages Republicans.
MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial profiling in blog-linking. Developing ...
TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and ten of hearts, a six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high. That's nothing.
Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal desperation, liberals now complain that a ten high is "nothing." Does ten equal zero in liberal mathematics? That would explain a lot.
Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently, liberals have never heard of a "skip straight." It's a kind of straight, just with one card missing. But if you skip around the missing nine, it's a straight.
Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker.
TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight."
Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker like it's September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all your cards in order to claim a straight. But, as we learned on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect knowledge. Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see the patterns which are not visible to superficial analysis of the type favored by the CIA and the State Department. Dick Cheney's skip straight is a winning poker hand for the post-9/11 world.
Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of twos? First they say one thing, then another. What are they hiding?
Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight. He was very careful about this. His cards can form many different hands. None of these hands alone can beat a pair of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking the pot than simply screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!" as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice President so often do.
MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews?" Are they anti-Semites as well as racists? Developing ...
Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick Cheney, and I hate liberals and Democrats.
William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's poker hand? The pot has been taken, the deal is done. If liberals are upset that we are no longer playing by the Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they clearly lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th environment. And why do they never complain about Saddam Hussein's poker playing, which was a thousand times worse?
Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot is divided up equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden, and Hitler. Orwell would have seen this.
Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the idea of conservatives having a "straight?" Perhaps because it doesn't fit in with the radical homosexual/Islamist agenda they hold so dear?
Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There is no such thing as a "skip straight."
DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission doesn't, and so I know for a fact that the cards in my hand are all intimately connected. My deal.