How about a joke thread?

[kach22i]

Originally posted by swa911
What does a girl from Arkansas and Winnie The Pooh have in common?


They both like to suck thier paw.

I've told this joke several times sense reading it, it even made a bartender wince.

[kach22i]

Listen to when no kids are around, the wife is not in earshot, and you are not at work. Otherwise it's just a fun and clean audio only file.

At the Horse Races - Marriage Theme Horse names

http://www.crewdogs.com/Videos/MarriageHorseRace.mp3

[swa911]

Originally posted by kach22i
I've told this joke several times sense reading it, it even made a bartender wince.

Glad I could help out.

[75Carrera]

Originally posted by kach22i
[At the Horse Races - Marriage Theme Horse names

http://www.crewdogs.com/Videos/MarriageHorseRace.mp3 [/B]

I'm getting married this coming weekend. She didn't particularly care for this but I had a short muffled laugh. Perhaps the warning should include "don't play this for you fiance'" LOL :-)

[Craig 930 RS]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to
80mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left..

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. "

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

[pwd72s]

Goodbye Mother

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him
around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She
finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I
hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much
like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the
store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the
store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and
smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to
pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so
much. I only bought 5 items.

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things,
too."

Do not trust all little Old Ladies

[Overpaid Slacker]

Sorry if it's a repeat; I haven't read the whole thread.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra less.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:



Always keep your condoms in your car........

JP

[pwd72s]

A very unattractive, nasty, mean actin' woman walks
into Walmart with her two kids.

The Walmart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?

The ugly woman says "Hell no, the oldest one, he's
9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why?........ Do you think
they really look alike?"

Hell no", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice!"

[pwd72s]

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Jim because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair for one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.



The first deputy slept with Jim and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Jim snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."



The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Jim shakes the roof. I watched him all night."



The third night was Bruces' turn. Bruce was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed "Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"



He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Jim into bed and kissed him good night on the lips.



He sat up and watched me all night long"

[Aurel]

Subject: What my Dad does for a living

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the nomination of Hillary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Aurel

[}{arlequin]

A pedophile and a child are walking through the woods.
It is rainy, dark and stormy, and generally scary.
The child says to the pedophile "I'm scared".
The pedophile answers "You're scared... I have to walk back to the car by myself!"

[pwd72s]

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside
his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek
and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the
end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are
you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom
and I'm St. Peter".
Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't
be, I have so much too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....
you've got to send me back right away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but
there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not
far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of
light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the
ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought u ntil he
felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farm yard rooster strolled over and said, "So
you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this
strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't
tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Brian. "Well just relax and let it
happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an
egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over
him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for
the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that had happened to him ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay
his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and
heard his wife shouting, "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're
****tin' in the bed!

[oldE]

A maker of ceremonial swords discovered the high-strength steel used in modern automobiles was ideal for the construction of his objects of art. He said he tended to draw inspiration from the source of the steel.
Recently, after constructing a replica of a mediaeval broadsword from the crushed remains of a new Dodge compact he quipped, "What else could I call it, but Ex-Caliber?"

Les

[pwd72s]

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one
afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.


The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is
that Jesus sitting over there?"


The waitress nodded yes, so the Irishman told her to give
Jesus a cup of coffee on him.


The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched
back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and
asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced
across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a
cup of hot tea, "My treat."


The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck
on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and
hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang! How's about gettin' me a
cold glass of Coke?"


He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the
redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "And put it
on my bill."


As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched
him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The
Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up,
and danced a jig out the door.


Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him, and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his
back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the
Lord, and did a series of backflips out the door.


Then Jesus walked towards the redneck. The redneck jumped up
and yelled, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

[cashflyer]

Q) How do you know if there is a pilot at your party (or on the forum) ?

He'll be sure and tell you...
and everyone else...
multiple times.

[pwd72s]

The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters,
fishermen, golfers and tourists in general to take extra precautions
and keep
alert for alligators while in Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee,
Seminole,
Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little
bells on
their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators
unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter
with an
alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator
activity.
People should learn to recognize the difference between small young
alligator
droppings and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small and contain fish bones and possibly
bird
feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and
smell like
pepper spray.

[cstreit]

Sex in the Dark



There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:









"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[serge944]

There once was this white fella who was feeling lonely because his wife-to-be, Wanda, was on vacation. He wanted to do something for her that would both impress her as well as proclaim his undying ever-enduring love for her.

After much contemplation he thought what better way than to have her name, "Wanda," actually tattooed onto his body. Further consideration of his idea resulted in his deciding to have her name tattooed right onto his penis. So he went to a tattoo parlor and had it done immediately.

Well, because of the nature of the terrain, the tattoo usually said, "WA." But he knew she would be surprised and delighted to see her whole name on his penis once it became erect. He could hardly wait for her return.

The scabs wore off just in time too, as she was due home from her vacation. He went to meet her at the airport, beaming to himself as he imagined her pleasure at discovering his surprise. He could hardly even contain himself.

While he was waiting for her plane, he went into the washroom to have a pee. He marched right up the urinal next to a tall black fella who was just shaking it off. The white fella looks down and says, "Hey wow!!! You've got a "WA" on your penis too! What a coincidence!" The black fella looks at him.

"I just had mine done - it really says `Wanda,'" beamed the white fella, "What does yours say?"

The black fella looks down at him, gives a big wide smile and says,

"Well mine says, `WELCOME TO BEAUTIFUL JAMAICA'"

[Craig 930 RS]

"White fella"

[jorian]

At the rest home Sadie bursts into Morty's room, drops her dressing gown and yells,

"Morty! I'm going to give you super sex!"

Morty takes a look at Sadie and says,

"I'll take the soup."