How about a joke thread?

[dafischer]

What's the difference between an epileptic oysterman, and a hooker with diarrhea?






















The oysterman shucks between fits.

[oldE]

Originally Posted by dafischer

What's the difference between an epileptic oysterman, and a hooker with diarrhea?


The oysterman shucks between fits.

Or:

One shakes and shucks, the other fakes and ....

Best
Les

[Amail]

Three brothers opened a cattle operation and called it the Focal Point Ranch because that's where the sons raise meat.

[Dottore]

A sailor goes into a whorehouse.

He does his business in hurry, and afterwards says to the girl, "If I had known that you were a virgin, I would have taken more time with you."

Replies the girl: "That's OK. If I had known you had more time, I would have taken off my panty hose."


Bada Bing!

[Hendog]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

[GH85Carrera]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

[Saintly]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into
a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt
to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong
with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked
woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you
sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you
tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if
you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what
are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, Ma'am,
I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking
to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping
de money to pay for dis ride?
Now, that's a REAL Businessman!

[GH85Carrera]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and


I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.


Man, she is one fine looking woman!'


The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.


His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:


'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,


The best I ever had!'


The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad


But the biker still says nothing.


The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,

'I'll tell you something else, boy,

Your grandma liked it!'


At this point the biker stands up,

Takes the drunk by the shoulders

Looks him square in the eyes and says....................



'Grandpa.......... Go home!'

[GH85Carrera]

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up, is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. ’Cuz I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, most kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties, is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
Phyllis Diller

[GH85Carrera]

Mother of all Jihadist Jokes...


Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .



"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Rusty Heap]

I went to a topless strip bar last night, and saw a fat chick doing a dance on a table top.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The she giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "



***




"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church, but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.




***




I got caught taking a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

[GH85Carrera]

There is a moral to this story...

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
Thee hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, 'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches That fish will jump for the fly...
And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish leaps for it....

That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
Enough activity on one river bank,
But I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly...
And that bear grabs for that fish...
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
This particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich,
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse, and the mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

NOW, The Moral Of The Story...
When a fly goes down three inches, some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

[GH85Carrera]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.? The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is the perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

[GH85Carrera]

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?
" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. "How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them *******s" - and he calmly returned to his seat.

[GH85Carrera]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people say 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people say 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"


She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D BREASTS

24"WAIST and

36"HIPS.






When she walks into a room, people say,
"Jesus Christ ! ".

[GH85Carrera]

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.



Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'


Don't ever underestimate old guys.

[imcarthur]

An oldie . . .

At this time of the year, when the roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

Ian

[GH85Carrera]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of Milk and if they have Avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of Milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of Milk?"
He replied, "They had Avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.
Especially Programmers.

[GH85Carrera]

A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER

I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.

Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out
of its ass!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

[GH85Carrera]

We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull.
We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possible a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days.
All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows!
He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!
I don't know what in heck was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.