How about a joke thread?

[75Carrera]

A 6 year old boy and his father are strolling down the street where they live. As they round the corner they come upon two dogs. The larger dog has mounted the smaller one.
The small boy, looking confused, turns to his father and asked; "Daddy, what are those dogs doing?"
The father was struck for how he might explain this to the 6 year old. Finally he smiles and says; "Well son, the dog in the back there has obviously hurt his front paws and his little friend is helping to get back home."
The boy thinks a minute, weighing his fathers words of wisdom. Then he says; "Dogs are a lot like people aren't they daddy?"
"Why do you say that, son?" the father inquires.
The boy grins and says; "Well dad, you try to help out a friend and he screws you right in the a$$!"

[Jeff Higgins]

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[pwd72s]

LOL Jeff...that's a great one! Passed it on to Cindy's cousin, a preacher.

[75Carrera]

JUST A TAP

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."






--

[teenerted1]

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter:

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice

[imcarthur]

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan. One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'

The Fairy Godmother replied, 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good and wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?

Cinderella was overjoyed. 'I wish I was extremely wealthy', she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and
ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.

'Oh thank you Fairy Godmother,' said Cinderella.

'Is there anything else you might wish for', asked the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had.' At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.

The Fairy Godmother said, 'You have one wish remaining, what shall you have?'

Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, 'I wish you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man.'

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke 'Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life,' and with that she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered, 'Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?

[Hendog]

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?

Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

[imcarthur]

Sex Survey

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best about "Oral Sex":

a.. 3% liked the warmth.

b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c.. 93% appreciated the silence.

[Hendog]

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

[pwd72s]

Subject: Geography of a Woman......And a Man

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America; well
developed and open to trade, especially for someone
with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India; very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France; gently
aging but still warm, and a desirable place to
visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain;
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost
the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very
wide, and borders are now unpatrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with
a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....only
those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for
spiritual knowledge visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iraq, ruled by a dick.

[David]

Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your
advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time
now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't
know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive, although I can hear a car driving off, as if she
has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and
she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again
and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Porsche next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Porsche, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?

Thanks, Bob

[nick911rs]

LOVE THE IRISH

At a U2 concert in Ireland Bono asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence... "Fookin stop doing it then!"

[LeeH]

I have a friend who is an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac.


He lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

[imcarthur]

A guy walks into the welfare office in Detroit, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas ! holiday trips. You will also have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull-*****tin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[75Carrera]

A man goes to visit his old college buddy who's also his doctor to tell him of his decission to divorce his wife of 15 years.
"Why would you do that, I've known you both for so many years and everyone sees you as the perfect couple" the Dr. asks.
The man slumps and says, "that's just it. Everything isn't perfect! No matter how hard we've tried we've never achieved sexually gratification TOGETHER."
"And THAT'S a reason to quit such an ideal marraige after all these years?" the Dr. inquires.
"Life is short and it really bothers us both. It's either her and not me or me and not her or her and her and maybe me... you get the idea."
The Dr. ponders the tale his friend had just revealed to him. "I may be able to help if you'll follow my directions TO THE LETTER" the Dr tells his disrought friend.
I'll try but I doubt anything will help."
The Dr. leans in and says, "On your way home pick up the following items and follow these steps:
Stop at the maul and pick up a good bottle of your favorite wine, a big bunch of her favorite flowers, a Frank Sanatra CD and a starter's pistol. Have your wife send the kids out for the evening and ask her to prepare a light sumpious meal.
When you get home present her with the flowers and enjoy the meal with the bottle of wine together. After dinner put the Sanatra CD on and dance with her until she's caught up in the spell. Carry her up the stairs and lay her on your bed and make love to her. Nothing new, just your usual sex act. When you start to feel your own orgazum rising reach for the starter's pistol (placed on the night stand but out of her sight). As your climax begins reach over for the pistol, raise it over your head and fire it three times as you reach your climax. This will shock her into orgazum and she'll be cured to wait for you everytime after that."
"Really? THAT will actually work?" He asks.
"Everytime" the Dr. declares.
The next day the man is back in his friend's office and very, very upset.
"Hold on, buddy!" the Dr. yells, "What happened?"
The man slowly starts to explain...
"I did EXACTLY what you instructed. I picked up everything at the maul and called her to be ready and to send the kids out to the movies. She was excited to know what I was up to. She prepared a great meal and we drank two bottles of our favorite wine. She loved the flowers and the Sanatra CD really got her in the mood. I caried her up the stairs and laid her on our big bed. I kissed and undressed her and we began our normal sex act. It was really great!
As I felt my climax approaching I reached over for the starter's pistol (without her noticing). As I got right to the brink I raised the pistol, fired three times over my head and...."
"And WHAT?" the anxious Dr. asks.



" She pi$$ed in my face and almost bit my di*k off!!!"

[Craig 930 RS]

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and
out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow
a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma
attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the
station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar
if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could
die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''

[teenerted1]

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"? The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner answers, "Nah, go ahead”. Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a decomposed dead rat in the chili. The sight is shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too".

[imcarthur]

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:!

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!

[imcarthur]

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

[pwd72s]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained ..

"Well, Doc, it's like this --- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."