How about a joke thread?

[BE911SC]

During a commercial airline flight an experienced air force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The air force pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "...And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

[pwd72s]

Should children witness childbirth? Good question.


Here's your answer. Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the baby...Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi (her mommy) pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.


The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'

[pete3799]

Way back when....a farmer has the local doctor out to his farm to see to his wife who is in labor.
The doc scrubs up and tells the farmer to hold the lantern while he goes to work.
In short order out comes a baby.......Congrats, says the doc, it's a boy. Then out pops another.
Suddenly the farmer steps away and the room goes dark. Where'd you go with that lantern says the doc...........think the lights drawn'm says the farmer.

[dafischer]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.'

You are wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!!'

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

[GH85Carrera]

Someone recently asked me,
“What is your new job since you’ve retired?”

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor.”
Somewhat shocked, they said
“I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?”

“Very simple”, I replied.
“The wife has told me that, when she wants my
fukcing advice, she'll ask me for it.”

[GH85Carrera]

Resurrection Sermon, Sunday service w/children….
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.
During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial.
Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand.
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

[GH85Carrera]

Ammunition Is Getting Scarce
This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blond was filling up her car at the next pump.
She looked at the ammo in the back of my SUV and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy". "Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
I thought a few seconds and asked, "what kinda ammo ya got?"

[2porscheguy]

A redneck goes to his family doctor for a physical. The Dr. begins by examining his feet and finds a peculiar deformity in the man's toes..."What happened here?" he asks..."That's Tolio!" the redneck says.."Tolio? You mean Polio!" the Dr. says..."no, no...it's Tolio....what kind of a Dr. are you?...never heard of Tolio!?!"

The Dr. then moves on to the fellows knees and again finds a peculiarity..."What happened here?" the Dr. asks...."That's Kneesels!" the redneck says...."Kneesels? You mean Measels!" the Dr. says...."no, no! It's Kneesels.....you never heard of Kneesels either?!? Just what kinda Doc are ya?!?"

The Dr. then asks the redneck to remove his pants and underwear and then resumes the examination. Immediately he blurts out "What's this then?.....Small Cox!?!"

[2porscheguy]

A couple are out celebrating their 10th Anniversary and discussing how great things are going between them. The wife asks her husband if she has any things that need "improving" on her part?....of course he says "no, you are perfect the way you are honey...nothing needs improving!"

He, in turn asks her the same question.....she hesitates for a while...."Well, actually there are two things that you do that really drive me crazy! One...you're always picking your nose! And two, when we have sex, you never let me get on top!!!"

The husband chimes right in and says..."When my father passed away many years ago, I was by his side and just before he died, he told me:

"Son, keep your nose clean and don't F*CK UP!"

[GH85Carrera]

They found about 200 dead crows near Topeka, KS. and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, & he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, & only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. Kansas then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that all the lookout crows could say "Cah", but none could say "Truck."

[GH85Carrera]

Nuts in a Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and
the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When
the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you,
One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord.

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on
the bike passed him.

[GH85Carrera]

[GH85Carrera]

MORE ROMANCE!

Barb was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked..

"To get my teeth!"

[GH85Carrera]

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

[GH85Carrera]

A Church Story

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size and warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour that they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist, reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said….


Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we witewll not hab a thermon tewday

[GH85Carrera]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves." She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this 5hit but me."

[GH85Carrera]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until directed to do so.'

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years
before the Priest said to her,
'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said,
'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said,
'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine,
and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery,
the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office.
'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest,
'You've done nothing but complain ever since you got here.'

[flatbutt]

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

[GH85Carrera]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft
drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the
long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is
one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or
will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"



After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."