How about a joke thread?

[imcarthur]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the USRSF.

US Redneck Special Forces.

These Alabama, North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Georgia, Texas, and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over in about a week.

[imcarthur]

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes!"

[imcarthur]

Current Political Correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore ....


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" --- She is "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" --- She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" ---She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" ---- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" --- She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" --- She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" ---She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" --- She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" – She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" – He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

[imcarthur]

8 years after Clinton left Washington, DC

[pwd72s]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of
whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old
mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust
from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon. He
had a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other hand. He
looked at the old man and laughed.

Then he said, "Hey old man have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at him and said, "Nope, never had a hankering to
dance."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old
fool you're gonna dance now," and he started shooting at the old man's
feet. The old man was hopping around and everybody was laughing. He
fired his last bullet, holstered his gun and turned around to go back in
the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, got his shotgun and pulled the
hammer back making a loud click. The gunslinger heard this, then
everything got quiet. He turned around and was looking at the old
prospector aiming both barrels right at him. The old man asked him,
"Did you ever kiss a mule right on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard, then said, "No, but I've always wanted
to!"

[imcarthur]

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on.

"So, she did and said, "these are too big, I can't wear them".

So I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So on, his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on. "

"So she does and says, "these are too large, they don't fit me"

So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "here you try on mine."

So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants.

“ So Jill says," exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

[Icemaster]

Bill Clinton started jogging near his
new home in Chappaqua.


But on each run he happened to jog
past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.



With some apprehension he would brace
himself as he approached her for what
was most certainly to follow.


"Fifty dollars!" she would cry
out from the curb.




"No, Five dollars!"
fired back Clinton .


This ritual between Bill and the
hooker continued for days.


He'd run by and she'd yell,
"Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back,
"Five dollars!"


One day however,
Hillary decided that she
wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!


As the jogging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would
bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really
been doing on all his past outings.


He realized he should have a
darn good explanation;
for the junior Senator.


As they jogged into the turn that would
take them past the corner,

Bill became even more apprehensive
than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk,
the hooker yelled...



See what you get for five bucks!?"

[imcarthur]

Subject: Genders...

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

[pwd72s]

DEBUTANTE BALL


A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: NO JEWS PLEASE!"


At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's Mother heard a polite rap at the door.
She opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling black officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[cstreit]

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend,
Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa


************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa


************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd l ike for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa


************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set
you up with a Barbie.
Santa



************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the ****s and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of Scotch.
Santa



************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa



************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa



************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa



************************************************** **
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

[pwd72s]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger
printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door and she was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him."

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Naturally......I assumed you had stolen the car."

[cstreit]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle, Cuddles, along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up! The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

[widebody911]

Simply select your answers copy and paste them together and you'll have your complete CL ad ready to post.


Use the following formula to determine what number you should enter in the 'Your Age' box, where X = your actual age:

X / 1.25 - 3 = Craigslist Age

Please finish the following sentence:

- Though I no longer need the protection that I once needed in prehistoric times, and though I'm 5'2" in heels, I demand that my date be:

a) 6.5 feet tall
b) 8 feet tall
c) 10 feet tall


Please select all appropriate answers to finish the following sentences:

My favorite euphemism for fat is:

a) Curvy
b) Thick
c) Voluptuous
d) Marilyn Monroe-esque


I love to -

a) laugh
b) be happy
3) have fun

(Actually, this one is so stupid, one answer is enough to show your prospective date you're not a depressed downer. Let's move on.)



Please choose a deceptive phrase to mask your gold-digging intentions or if she’s hooker:

a) I love fine dining
b) You must be generous
c) You know how to treat a lady.


Please choose one from the following list of overused personal ad phrases:

a) Your pic gets mine
b) Looking for my partner in crime
c) I like to hike....

Please answer the following True/False questions:


Because I'm unable to spend less money than I make, I occasionally post ads in 'Erotic Services', especially around rent time.

a) True
b) True

Despite the fact that I am a cocktail waitress at TGI Fridays who qualifies for the earned income tax credit, I will only date rich, Wall Street finance guys.

a) True
b) True

I am average looking at best, but because I was in the right place at the right time with a drunk, horny and desperate hot guy, I now believe I deserve a comparably hot stud to marry me. This '10' will also never cheat on me, complain that I keep gaining weight or ask for sex.

a) True
b) True


My date should have a body fat % of 10 or less, despite the fact that I'm a snug size 20.

a) True
b) True


I will only consider dating guys who are hot and tall enough and with enough game to never have to settle for sex with just one girl, yet I will complain incessantly about how I'm tired of players.

a) True
b) True


I will include the phrase 'NO PSYCHOS' in my ad because I believe the ones I'm talking about will say to themselves 'I'm a psycho and therefore I will not answer her ad.'

a) True
b) True


My definition of a 'real man' is one who is attracted to fat women.

a) True
b) True

My potential mate should be a muscle-bound he-man, with a full head of hair, despite the fact that the testosterone increase that accompanies weight-lifting, inevitably leads to a receding hairline.

a) True
b) True

I live at home with my parents in the Los Altos Hills, but you have to live in a penthouse loft condo in San Francisco and when we get there, I will find some way to criticize your place.

a) True
b) True

I will not date any man who doesn't appreciate every single talentless, clone hipster band that I do.

a) True
b) True

[Dan in Pasadena]

Whew...brutal............but hilarious and almost certainly true!

[cstreit]

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

[imcarthur]

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[Craig 930 RS]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and
says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.

"The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[rotorhead]

Originally posted by singpilot
Can't wait for the Arab / Camel version of this.

Why are Camels called "Ships of the Desert".




..... caus ethey ar efull of Arab SeaMen

[Don Wohlfarth]

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

[rotorhead]

Yeah something similar happened to me.....

I was waiting in the airport ticket counter queue behind a large breasted young lady. When I finally got to the counter I asked for "Two Pickets to Tittsburg" instead of saying Two Tickets to Pittsburg".

The chap behind the ticket counter just laughed and said it was called a Freudian Slip. He explained that just that morning he had made a Fruedian Slip himself. He was sitting at the breakfast table reading the paper and mean't to ask his wife to pass the sugar but what came out was "you stupid F***ing B*tch you've ruined my life"