How about a joke thread?

[Racerbvd]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,
and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong
and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist
who insists you tell her what is wrong with you
in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this,
and I love the way this old guy handled it.



An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room
and approached the desk....

The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for
today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said,
"You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room
and say things like that."

" Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment
in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear
or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full
of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes
and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,
knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose.

[Racerbvd]

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him."I don't
know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have
no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what
I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the
first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over, he
dove in and surfaced with nothing. S uch was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be
in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented
OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, man, I
can handle this!"

The devil smiled and said . . . . . .
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*





OK, Monica, you're free to go.

[Racerbvd]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain ***** in our garden!"

[charlesbahn]

Medical terms:
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

[Racerbvd]

Wal-Mart stores announced a total recall of all "Mr. Met"
Halloween costumes; effective immediately.
Wal-Mart spokesperson Phil Adelphia states the reason for the recall as:
"They pose a tremendous choking hazard."

[charlesbahn]

[75Carrera]

Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

"Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"

Then POOF! .. she was gone!

After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"

Henry yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"

[RickM]

An ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation"
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."

[RickM]

'The Obedient Wife'


There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,
and was a real miser when it came to his money.



Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take
all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to
the afterlife with me.'



And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he
died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.



Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said,



'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in
the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it
away. So her friend said,



'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there
with your husband.'



The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with
him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account,
and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

[75Carrera]

Confessions: The village priest had been loosing some of his chickens so, to
find out he had all the men in the Village line up for confession.
When the first man entered the confessional and sat down the priest quickly
asked, "have you been stealing my chickens?"
"I'm no steal you chicken".
The padre went through the population one by one and the answers were all
the same. Then the priest spotted Guido standing off to the side and ordered
him into the confessional.
"Guido, you been steal my chicken?"
Guido answered. " I can no hear you".
Same question only louder from the padre.
Same answer from Guido. This went on 5 times before the padre ordered Guido
to sit in the padre's place and he went into the other side.
As soon as the padre sat down Guido asked,"Father, you been screw my wife?"
The padre answered. "You are right, Guido, you can no hear nothing in this
box".

[sammyg2]

Boudroux and Thibidoux score two tickets to the LSU game
Boudroux looks at Thibidoux and say's hey man, how we gonna get to the game? We ain't got no car.
Thibidoux say's no problem man... I bought a camel just the other day.
When they finally get to the game Thibidoux says to Boudroux.. How we gonna know which camel is ours?
How many camels you think are gonna be at da game Thibidoux?
After the game when they are leaving, they find a whole row of camels. Boudroux ask's Thibidoux, now how we gonna Know which one is ours!?!
Thibidoux lifts up the tail of the first one and puts it down. He goes to the second one, lifts up the tail and puts it down. After about 20 camels or so, Boudroux asks what Thibidoux is doing. Thibidoux says.. man the whole way here, I kept hearing people say, Hey look at those two a$$ holes on that camel!

[LeRoux Strydom]

Dr. Ing. Ferdinand Porsche dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival at the pearly gates, he is greeted by St Peter who says: " Dr. Porsche, as a result of your significant contribution to the development of the automobile, you have a free wish."

Dr. Porsche replies that he wishes to have a 10 minute audience with God. St Peter brings him into the throne chamber and introduces him to God.

Dr. Porsche asks God: "God, when you designed the woman, what were you thinking?"

God says: " Why do you say this, Ferdinand?"

Dr. Porsche replies: "Well, there are several design flaws on a woman, things that I would never have tolerated in my design of the famous Porsche 911. I have noted the following flaws in women:

• The front is not aerodynamic at all,
• the noise level is permanently too high,
• for 5 - 6 days per month, she is completely off the rails,
• the rear-end often sags with age,
• she constantly required re-painting and re-styling,
• the exhaust is much too close to the inlet,
• the headlights are often too small,
• the consumption is often too high,
• lastly, the cost of maintenance is completely out of proportion to the usefullness.

God considers all this, then replies: "Ferdinand, Ferdinand, Ferdinand.... This may well be true, but at least statistics have shown that more men use my design than yours!"

[charlesbahn]

Scientific terms

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"...
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS
FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bull****.

[Racerbvd]

Immigration Poll



A recent poll was taken in California, asking if people thought illegal immigration was a serious problem.
The results showed that 29 percent said, "Yes, there is a serious problem."
But 71 percent said, "No es una problema seriosa."

[LeRoux Strydom]

The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,00 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points would be.The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.

He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam".

[imcarthur]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're >going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by imcarthur

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Originally Posted by imcarthur

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

In an interview:
"When I'm right with myself, I don't worry about what I said yesterday - it was all true."
- Glenn Campbell

[billyboy]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...


Broiled Missionary: $10.00 -
Fried Explorer: $15.00 -
Grilled Republican: $100.00 -
Baked Democrat: $100.00..

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,

'Why such a price difference for the Politicians?'

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?

They're so full of s**t, it takes all morning."

[Racerbvd]

So this guy dies and....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "Why do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow,that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough .."

[75Carrera]

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Porsche, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges you’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bull-shi**in' me!"

The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . You started it!"