How about a joke thread?

[Hawkeye's-911T]

An English man stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Andalucía.

While sipping his Cervesa, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served
at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have
excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles, from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!'

The man said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor.
There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you
come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one
and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the
waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw
you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor, sometimes the bull wins.’

[GH85Carrera]

Joe, looking to hire a new employee, interviews Fred. Getting right to the point, Joe asks,

"Fred, what to you consider your greatest weakness?"



"Honesty," Fred said.



"That's strange," Joe replied. "I don't think of honesty as a weakness."



"I don't give a 5hit what you think."

[GH85Carrera]

When you are over sixty who cares?

This jerk looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."

[Porsche-poor]

> ITS JUST ME AN' LEROY
>
> A guy stopped at a local gas station, and after filling his
> tank, he paid the bill and
>
> bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola
> and watched a couple of
>
> men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two
> or three feet deep
>
> and then move on. The other man came along behind him and
> filled in the hole. While
>
> one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind
> filling in the hole.
>
> The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and
> went on down the road.
>
> "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a
> trash container and headed
>
> down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to
> the men.
>
> "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"
>
> "Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our
> job," one of the men said.
>
> "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up.
> You're not accomplishing
>
> anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
>
> "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning
> on his shovel and wiping
>
> his brow. "Normally there's three of us: Me, Elmer and Leroy.
> I dig the hole, Elmer
>
> sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.
>
> You see with the government sequestering, they are not buying
> any more trees so
>
> Elmer's job's been cut ... so now it's just me an' Leroy.
>

[Rusty Heap]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.




'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'



You're gonna LOVE me for this....



The third piggy says -


'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Maybe a repeat......

A couple were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table,
but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress, thinking this was a bit risque behaviour that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, madam , but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said,
"No, he didn't. He just walked in the door.

[GH85Carrera]

Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.

The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Bob asked.

I've been transferred to Chicago, there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business and enroll your kids in a nice private school.

It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[GH85Carrera]

Amazing, simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You need only two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

[Baz]

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Language warning for those with sensitivities in that direction.



Cheers
JB

[Bill Douglas]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says ''It's dark in here''
The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again!''

[GH85Carrera]

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A Roam'n Catholic

[dafischer]

Husband takes the wife to a dance club. There's a
guy on the dance floor going crazy -
break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says:
“See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed
to me and I turned him down.”

Husband says:

“Looks like he's still f-*~n’celebrating!!!”

[SouthCoastPhil]

LOL! Good one, dafischer!

[Baz]

[intakexhaust]

Ammo is getting scarce...

Last night a man in his 70's lucked out and was able to buy several boxes of ammo at the sporting goods store. On the way home he stopped at the 7-Eleven gas station where this drop-dead gorgeous younger blonde was filling up her car at the pump next to his. She glanced at the ammo boxes in the back of his Jeep and said in a very seductive voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old timer. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

The old guy thought a few seconds and asked, "What kinda ammo ya got?"

[GH85Carrera]

Not really a joke but here it is anyway:

See if you can pass the Redneck Readin' Test...

M R Ducks

M R Not

M R Too

C M Wangs

L I B...M R Ducks

M R Mice

M R Not

S A R...C M E D B D Feet?

L I B...M R Mice!

M R Puppies

M R Not

O S A R...C M P N?

L I B...M R Puppies.

M R Farmers.

M R Not!

O S A R...C M M T Pockets?

L I B...M R Farmers.

=== Translation Follows ===

M R Ducks = Them Are Ducks
M R Not = Them Are Not
M R Too = Them Are Too
C M Wangs = See Them Wings
L I B...M R Ducks = Well I Be - Them Are Ducks

M R Mice = Them Are Mice
M R Not = Them Are Not
S A R...C M E D B D Feet? = Yes They Are - See Them Iddy Biddy Feet ?
L I B...M R Mice! = Well I Be - Them Are Mice

M R Puppies = Them Are Puppies
M R Not = Them Are Not
O S A R...C M P N? - Oh Yes They Are - See Them Peeing?
L I B...M R Puppies. = Well I Be - Them Are Puppies

M R Farmers = Them Are Farmers
M R Not = Them Are Not
O S A R...C M M T Pockets? = Oh Yes They Are - See Them Empty Pockets ?
L I B...M R Farmers = Well I Be - Them Are Farmers

[dewolf]

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her
eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I
saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just
on standby.

[john70t]

Guy gets pulled over for speeding.
Officer: "License and registration please"
Driver: "You'll never believe it! I just robbed a drug dealer and I got a million dollars and a dead hooker in the trunk. There's at least three pounds of coke in there too. Shucks, before you pulled me over I was doing at least a buck-eighty".

Uh-oh thinks the Cop.
Puts the guy in cuffs and calls in back-up.

Supervisor: "Open the trunk NOW".
Driver: "See? There's nothing there. Your officer is sure acting strange today. Next thing you know, he'll tell you I was speeding too".

[GH85Carrera]

Poker Face


Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les's wife followed and asked,

'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you 200.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2PM Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les's house at 2PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of 200,

They went to the bedroom, and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Les came home from golf at 6pm. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered ‘Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you 200?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, ‘Well, yes, in fact he did give me 200.’

Les, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,

'He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed 200 from me.

‘He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a real poker player ...