How about a joke thread?

[75Carrera]

SHORT AND SWEET

50 Years ago.....
100 white men chasing one black man across a field were called:
The Ku Klux Klan.

Today..... It's called the PGA Tour.

[75Carrera]

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.
One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid sh** and act like an A$$H**E.

So, He sent me."

[wludavid]

I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on a ledge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

"Well, there's so much to live for." "Like what?" "Well, are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist." "Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God." "Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1789 or Reformed Baptist Church of God, 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said, "Die, heretic scum!!" And pushed him off the bridge.

[Craig 930 RS]

A Frenchman, an Englishmanand a New Yorker were
exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce
tribe.

As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief
comes to them and says,"The bad news is that now that
we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then
use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that
you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "Itake ze poison." The chief gives
him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive La France!"
and drinks it down.

The Englishman says,"A pistol for me, please." The
chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head,
says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says,"Gimme a fork." The chief is
puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New
Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all
over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There's blood gushing out all over and it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you
doing?"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much
for your canoe, a--hole!"

[pwd72s]

Redneck Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart?

cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?

cuz ya sure are special.


3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.

I can't hold it in.


4) Do you have a library card?

cuz I'd like to sign you out.


5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?

cuz I can see myself in em.


6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel,

I'd store my nuts in yer hole.


7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,

but beauty's only a light switch away.


8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"

Woman - "WHAT?"

Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I! know I' m not no Fred Flintstone,

but I bet I can make yer " bed-rock."


10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?

I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.


12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,

we kin sleep til afternoon.


and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,.......................every time I

think of it my nuts tighten up.

[oldE]

14) Nice a$$! Get in the truck.


Les

[imcarthur]

The Flight Crew

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer Call It TheCock Pit."

"It's The Box Office."

[75Carrera]

THE JOYS OF AGING



An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind.?



A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"



"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."?



"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!"??



The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!".

[pwd72s]

That's why I'm posting it on the jokes thread.

The Ducks, Lab and Navigator

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are froze n.

These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away y after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird s hot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really con fused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! ! The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

[cstreit]

Dear Mrs. Smith,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours
sincerely,


Charles Brown
Store Manager

[Craig 930 RS]

Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to
be passing the beer and liquor section.

One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other
nun answered that would be good, but that she would be
queasy about purchasing it.

The first nun said that she would handle it and picked
up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun
said, "The beer is used for washing our hair."

The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with
the beer saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."

[LeRoux Strydom]

In the Irish hamlet of Carrick-on-Suir, where drunk driving is considered a sport, it was nearly midnight and closing time at the local tavern.

Lodged deep in the shadows of the car park, a policeman in a patrol car observed a man leaving the bar in such disrepair he could barely walk. He stumbled around the park, trying his keys on several cars before finding his own and falling into the driver's seat.

As he lay sprawled across the seat, other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he righted himself and started the car. There followed a switching on and off of wipers (on a fine dry night), flicking of indicators and tooting of the hooter before he found the lights switch.

The vehicle lurched forward a metre, reversed, then stalled. The last patrons emerged, ignored the drunk and left.

At last he managed to edge out of the car park and motor slowly down the lane. The cop rumbled after him, flashed his lights and pulled the man over.

But the Breathalyser test showed no evidence of alcohol consumption at all.

"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the station, sir, this Breathalyser equipment must be broken," said the nonplussed patrolman.

"Oh, that won't be necessary," replied the man cheerfully. "Tonight I was the designated decoy."

[LeRoux Strydom]

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to an attractive woman.

He smiles and nods at her then casually glances at his watch. She takes the opening: "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q gave me this special watch and I was just testing it."

Intrigued, she says: "Oh? And what's so special about it?"

"It communicates telepathically with me," he explains.

"And what's it telling you now?"

"That you're not wearing panties..."

She giggles and says: "Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps the watch: "Bloody thing must be an hour fast."

[StevoRocket]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.


The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound
right testicle, Turner Brown."


The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.


The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"


In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"


The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

[teenerted1]

THIS REALLY TOUCHED MY HEART AND I AM SURE IT WILL TOUCH YOURS ALSO .............

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"


Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.


"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.


"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard."

[75Carrera]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa,
taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep $hit now!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike,
a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had
me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it
for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he
hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the
old poodle says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull$hit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[75Carrera]

Only in America....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way
to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then
chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and
buns in packages of eight.

Only in America....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America.....do they have drive-up ATM machines with
Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush
hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food ?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[pwd72s]

Back in Kentucky, you didn't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge--and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' about the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest bird she had ever seen!

"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw straightens up and says, "Git my gun, Maw."

She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"

[cstreit]

Two women friends went out for a girl's night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.

So, they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with it. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,

"These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing", said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card > stuck between her butt cheeks that said: "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

[75Carrera]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
the class was squirming around,scratching his crotch,
and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was
quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her
what he should do about it.

He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was
a commotion at the back of the room. She went
back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his unit hanging out.
I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could
stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."