How about a joke thread?

[charlesbahn]

Airlines running operating systems
Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.

Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.

NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can't even get aboard.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they're building.

CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don't need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don't fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don't go anywhere. But that's okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

[cmccuist]

Originally Posted by charlesbahn

Airlines running operating systems
Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

Vista: You never get through airport security. Consequently, you never get to your destination.

[pwd72s]

My grandmother died in 1945, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.

The long walks we used to take to the store on Crawford Road, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk...

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel
in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

"And always remember this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands." "How come, Grandma?" I asked her.

She answered in her soft Irish voice. "Makes your dick look bigger."

[Rob Channell]

Originally Posted by cmccuist

Vista: You never get through airport security. Consequently, you never get to your destination.

Don't forget Vista's missing drivers....

[Mule]

A young guy from Pennsylvania moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything
under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Columbus , Ohio ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came to see him. "How many customers
bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell him?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said 'down
the coast,' so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said
he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss says, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK? Is that right?"

The kid answers, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and
I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot; you should go fishing."

[911Rob]

a Halloween Joke: (sensored somewhat for the board)
These two east indian travellers have just arrived in Montreal and while collecting their bags at the airport they run into a man all dressed up in a costume. The man is wearing a pink tu-tu looking outfit and is attracting alot of attention. The two travellers ask the man what he is up to. The man explains that he is on his way to a Halloween party and just picking up a friend at the airport. It is a costume party and the theme is to dress like a "mood"; he is dressed up as "Happy".

The man then invites the two travellers to join the party after a brief conversation and gives the men the address and particulars.

A short while later the two men go about getting their own costumes in order. The one man strips down totally naked and places a custard over his penis; the other strips down totally naked and places a pear over his penis.

When they arrive at the party, the man dressed as "Happy" is totally embarrassed and asked the two east indian travellers what in the world they are doing dressed like that. The man with the pear on his dick replies that they are dressed in a "Mood"......... (spoken with an east indian accent, the reply is......)

My Friend here is "Fv*king dis custed" and I am "deep in dis pear"

Ha, ha!
disgusted / despair

[johndglynn]

I went to the zoo the other day - it had one dog in it. It was a ****zu.

[imcarthur]

There was a 70 year old man called Sam, and he had a girlfriend, Edna, who was 80 years old. They only saw each other on Saturdays. He would go to Edna's house every Saturday, without fail. They would sit down next to each other and Edna would hold Ian''s XXXXX, then Ian would go home after so long.

One week Sam never turned up, but Edna thought nothing of it. Three more weeks went by, and again Sam never turned up. By this time Edna was very concerned about him. She phoned him up and asked, "Where have you been the last four Saturdays?"

Sam replied, "I have been round at Margret's house."

Shocked Edna shouted, "MARGRET? She is 98 years old, what the hell has she got that I haven't?"

Sam answered, "Parkinson's desease!"

----------------------------------------------
What do you get when you give a 15 year old Viagra?

A 16 year old with carpal tunnel syndrome.

------------------------------------------------

What's the best part about oral sex for a man?

The ten minutes of silence.

------------------------------------------------

Why did God invent women?

Because sheep can't cook.

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[Mule]

Britney Spears Vibrator

Dear Miss Spears,

Thank you for your recent order from our sex toys website.
You've requested the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display.
Please select another item. That's our fire extinguisher.

Thank you.

[RANDY P]

Health Care

Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in
another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, put her in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work.

[75Carrera]

Originally Posted by RANDY P

Health Care

Japanese doctor says, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says, 'That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in
another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor says, 'In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks.'

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, 'You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, put her in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work.

Why is it the funniest stories are the true ones! LOL

[David]

If the Indians had eaten cats instead of turkeys, we'd all be eating ******* for Thanksgiving.

[Racerbvd]

Old People have problems you haven't considered yet!




An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even
called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[strupgolf]

"One day Ima go to new york to a bigga hotel. I go down to eat some breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two piss toast. She branga me only onea piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say, you no understand. I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better no piss on the plate, you sonna ma *****. I dont even know the lady and she calla me a sonma ma *****. Later, I go to eat soma lunch at Drake Restaurant, the waitress bringa me a spoon, ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tellsa me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you not understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma *****. I dont even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma *****. So I go back to my room inna hotel, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager ana tell him I wann sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet. So I say you no understand, I wann sheet on the bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna ma *****. I dont even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma *****. I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say peace to you. I say piss onna you too, you sonna ma *****. I go back to Italy".

[KS120196]

Herr Porsche, der berühmte Autoentwickler, stirbt und kommt in den Himmel.

Petrus empfängt ihn und sagt: „Ferdinand Porsche, wegen deines großen Verdienstes für die Entwicklung des Autos hast du einen Wunsch frei.“

Ferdinand Porsche denkt kurz nach und sagt: „Gut, lass mich eine Stunde mit Gott sprechen.“

Petrus nickt, bringt ihn zum Thronsaal und stellt ihn Gott vor.

Porsche fragt Gott: „Lieber Gott, bei deinem Entwurf „die Frau“, wo warst du da mit deinen Gedanken, als du Sie erfunden hast?"

Gott: „Wie meinst du das?“

Porsche: „Na ja, dein Entwurf hat viele Fehler.
Sieh mal:
1. Die Vorderseite ist nicht aerodynamisch.
2. Sie macht viel zu viel Lärm.
3. Die Wartungskosten liegen extrem hoch.
4. Sie ist 5 bis 6 Tage im Monat vollkommen nutzlos.
5. Die Rückseite hängt zu lose.
6. Sie muss konstant neu gepinselt und beigearbeitet werden.
7. Der Auspuff ist zu nahe am Einlass.
8. Die Scheinwerfer sind oft zu klein.
9. Der Kraftstoffverbrauch liegt viel zu hoch.

Gott denkt kurz nach und antwortet: „Ferdinand, Ferdinand, das mag wohl so sein, aber laut Statistik bewegen sich mehr Männer in meiner Erfindung als in deiner.“

[Don Plumley]

Free translation (gisting) is great. Ha!

[Lil Black Car]

Ha, Ha. Das ist fast komisch. Fast. und, leider, zu wahr.

[charlesbahn]

Was posted before in English
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/off-topic-discussions/155440-how-about-joke-thread-post3512723.html?highlight=aerodynamic#post3512723

[Racerbvd]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin ' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

[Racerbvd]

Poor Skippy!



A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine me al.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later , she was beginnin g to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yel led, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
< BR>Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she ****s on you!"