How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.

My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”

[GH85Carrera]

At a wedding ceremony the pastor asked 'if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace'.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She stood up and started walking slowly towards the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride threw the bouquet and burst out crying. Then slowly the groom's mother fainted. The Best Men started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward?
What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."

[charlesbahn]

A thief
> in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
>
>
After
careful

> planning, he
>
> got past
>
> security,
>
> stole the
>
> paintings and
>
> made it safely to his van.
>
> However, he
> was captured
>
> only two
> blocks away
>
> when his van
> ran out of
> gas.
>

When
> asked how he

> could

> mastermind

such a crime
>
and then make
>
such an
>
obvious error,


he replied,

"Monsieur,

> that is the

> reason I stole
>
> the
> paintings.”
>
>
> "I
> had no Monet
>
>
> to
>
> buy Degas
>
>
>
> to
>
> make the Van
>
> Gogh.”
>

> See
if you have


>De
> Gaulle to

send this on to someone else.

>
> sent it to you
> because I
> figured I had
> nothing

> Toulouse.

[GH85Carrera]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

[GH85Carrera]

THE ORIGIN OF THE OLYMPICS

I am sure you won't find this on Snopes....so just take my word for it.

2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending a great athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name. In those days the athletes performed naked (believe it or not).

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed:

"Oh! Limp pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics".

Just thought I'd share this new-found knowledge with you.

[StevoRocket]

Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."
"Incorrect", said Nicola, in her best trying-not-to-sound-too-patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"
'I'm afraid not', explained Nicola, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Nicola searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Nicola, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

[GH85Carrera]

When I was young in the1970s, I decided I wanted to a be doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.


One of the questions asked us was to rearrange the letters


PNEIS


into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

[E38Driver]

This is not a PARF joke!!!!!!



Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.

She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
I will definitely win the election.

Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"...

[GH85Carrera]

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl in Houston on February 5th. They are box seats that include airfare and hotel accommodations.

He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's February 5, 2017 at St Peter's Church in New York City at 5 p.m.

Her name is Kim. She will be the one in the white dress.

[dafischer]

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.

[MBAtarga]

spammer wiohnt reported

[JJ 911SC]

Originally Posted by MBAtarga

spammer wiohnt reported

Apparently he is OK...

Originally Posted by 9dreizig

59,000 views and over 600 replies.. if you have to ask, you may never know... but you did find OTD with only 4 posts.. so maybe there's hope

Originally Posted by JJ 911SC

He is a Spammer that will be removed shortly.

Originally Posted by Joe Bob

Yeah I reported all four of the posts. The admin says no foul and they will remain. Go figure.....

Originally Posted by Amail

Report it again - it's typical spambot practice to just regurgitate something posted way back. In this case, it's

Originally Posted by Joe Bob

Nah, I'm done...the admin emailed me said no problem he sees...

[yetibone]

Copied from a felow on the Smokstak:


Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10..'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

[MBAtarga]

Originally Posted by JJ 911SC

Apparently he is OK...

Not sure if you are being sarcastic - since your response is not in green font.
He's not okay. There are about 4 embedded links in his "joke" pointing to URLs.

[JJ 911SC]

Originally Posted by MBAtarga

Not sure if you are being sarcastic - since your response is not in green font.
He's not okay. There are about 4 embedded links in his "joke" pointing to URLs.

I don't think it needed to be green to get the gist of it... Plus the "green" is hard to read.

Back to the thread:

2 Mods walk into a bar...

[oldE]

Originally Posted by JJ 911SC

2 Mods walk into a bar...

They were off their Rockers!

(Sorry. Bad pun from the music scene in the UK 50 years ago!)
Best
Les

[968rz]

Originally Posted by JJ 911SC

2 Mods walk into a bar...

The third one ducks.

[oldE]

"The third one ducks"
Were it ducking the Pelicans?

Best
Les

[JJ 911SC]

He is gone...

Originally Posted by 9dreizig

59,000 views and over 600 replies.. if you have to ask, you may never know... but you did find OTD with only 4 posts.. so maybe there's hope

Originally Posted by JJ 911SC

He is a Spammer that will be removed shortly.

Originally Posted by Joe Bob

Yeah I reported all four of the posts. The admin says no foul and they will remain. Go figure.....

Originally Posted by Amail

Report it again - it's typical spambot practice to just regurgitate something posted way back. In this case, it's

Originally Posted by Joe Bob

Nah, I'm done...the admin emailed me said no problem he sees...

Originally Posted by MBAtarga

spammer wiohnt reported

Originally Posted by JJ 911SC

Apparently he is OK...

[dafischer]

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower In the survey, 86% of Detroit's inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Sort of brings tears to your eyes.