How about a joke thread?

[RoninLB]

LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT MARINE CORPS BASIC TRAINING

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell
them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, and stuff, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is
like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don' t even load your own cartridges. They come in little metal boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail

[pwd72s]

GO MARINES

News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader.

The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end. "The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead, dying or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you liberal *******s call ME the aggressor?!?"

[Isabo]

Ted Kennedy has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. I don't know what to do here, " says the devil. "You are on my list but have no room for you." "You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do." "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Ted thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" Ted said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Ted. The devil opened a third door. In it, Ted saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Ted looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said........... "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

[Isabo]

Mary and Joseph went to this party in Nazareth, well Joseph had little to much wine that night and got a little drunk. Paul helped Mary throw Joseph up onto the Donkey and go home. The next morning Joseph woke up with this huge huge huge headache. Mary asked "Joseph would you like an Alka Seltzer?" "Yes Please Dear" he responded. Mary then said "Jesus, go get your father a glass of water" Joseph then abrutly said "No Mary, Please, keep the kid away from the water"

[porsche356a]

Jesus walks into a hotel in Bethlehem, slaps three nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

[djmcmath]

Originally posted by porsche356a
Jesus walks into a hotel in Bethlehem, slaps three nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

(slaps forehead) Ow!

[RoninLB]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions.

First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence.....and then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

[Isabo]

Two carabinieri (Italian police unit, equivalent to Irish or Polish jokes in Italy) are on holiday in Egypt. While on a cruise on the Nile they see a crocodile. One says to the other "I didn't know Lacoste did rivers!"

[ronin]

[johnco]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss
them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching
one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut
fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only
pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours
of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they
were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could
get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then
proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
blowhard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and
daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was
nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for
something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and
said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going
to be when he grows older?"
The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

[djmcmath]

A mother was giving her 3 year old son a bath. He looked at his testicles and inquired, "Mommy, are those my brains?"

"Not yet, dear," she replied.

[cmccuist]

A little boy bursts in on his mother who is taking a bath. She tries to cover up, but it's too late. He points and says "mommy, what's that?" Thinking quickly she says, "that's my sponge."

The little boy thinks for a minute and says, "that makes sense, the other day I saw the maid washing daddy's face with hers."

[pwd72s]

The Top Forty Things You Will Never Hear A Southern Boy (Redneck) Say

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate!
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And, Number ONE is:
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

[oldE]

The new teacher at a (very) rural one-room school was getting the children to print their names and some other information on a piece of paper on the first day. As she was reading over the names, she stopped, got an unhappy look on her face and addressed the class:
"This is not appropriate for school. Who wrote 'Wagonwheel Jones' for their name?"
The elder Jones boy raised his hand and said,"That would be me, Maam."
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Wagonwheel, Maam. I was born at home an' my Ma named me for the first thing she saw when she looked outside after I was born"
"I will not be mocked with these rustic stereotypes. Either tell me your name or go home right now and don't come back until you have a note from your parent telling me what your name is."
"But Maam!" protested the boy.
"Out. And not another word!"
As he rises from his seat to go, he turns to his little brother. "Come on Hen****. She's not gonna believe you either."

[kach22i]

I did not read all of your jokes, I will get to it later. If someone posted this already- sorry I just heard it myself.

Q: When is it time to go to bed at Michael Jackson's house?

A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

[mikester]

A Sailor and a Pirate are sitting at a bar next to eachother.

The Pirate has a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch over one eye. The sailor, noticing all of this asks the pirate about his leg.

The Pirate replies "It was rough seas, I fell overboard and a shark bit off me leg."

Then the Sailor asks about the hook for a hand...

The Pirate replies "We were boarding another vessel and I was in a sword fight with the other vessel's capt'n and he cut off me hand."

The sailor asks about the eye patch...

The Pirate replies "A seagul shat in my eye one day when I was looking up at the sky."

The Sailor is confused, "How could seagull droppings put your eye completely out?"

The Pirate holds up his hook and replies "First day with the hook."

[COLDBASS]

Originally posted by Teutonics
These may be old but.....

NEVER SAY TO A COP:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son . . your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

You wouldnt be so tough if you didnt have that gun or that badge...

[pwd72s]

Subject: Food worries


Can't eat beef ..mad cow.


Can't eat chicken ...bird flu.


Can't eat eggs .Salmonella.


Can't eat pork ..trichinosis


Can't eat fish ..heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their flesh.


Can't eat fruits and veggies ..insecticides and herbicides.


Hmmmmmmmmm!

I believe that leaves Chocolate!

[pwd72s]

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

[pwd72s]

Fred went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if
you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Fred said,
and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor
has ever seen.

It couldn't have been the size of a peanut. Unable to control himself,
the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes
later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry, “said the doctor. "I really am....I don't know what
came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise
it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied