How about a joke thread?

[Dottore]

Ok.

This blonde is driving her Porsche and gets stopped for speeding by a blonde female Highway Patrol officer.

The cop comes over to the Porsche and asks to see the licence of the blonde in the Porsche.

Blonde driver fumbles around in her purse for a while and finally asks: "What's this licence thingey look like? I mean, like, I know I have one, but what's it look like."

The blonde cop replies: "Why it's small and rectangular - and it has your picture on it."

A short while later the blonde driver squeals with delight "Here it is. I found it." And hands the blonde cop her pocket mirror.

The blonde cop studies this for a moment, hands it back to the blonde driver and says....

[wait for it]






...."You're good to go honey. My bad. I didn't realize that you're also with the Highway Patrol."

[MJHanna]

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous
staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is
one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood
the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the
meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising
slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written
for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight
variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a
'Top 10 List'. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week
went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, the quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your pee pee. This is your pee pee on drugs.

[teenerted1]

#11 Viagra, Just Do It!

[Mule]

A businessman was at his desk working on a proposal and asked his secretary for help with some math. "If I gave you $20,000.00 minus 14%, how much would you take off." Being college educated she thought for just a second and replied "everything but my earrings."

[pwd72s]

A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the Amarillo
Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient:
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the
manager." Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly
back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no
success. Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed
the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred
replied, "The balcony........."

[Mo_Gearhead]

35 pages of jokes, whew...didn't read them all, hope this isn't a repeat.

Single fellow makes his fortune in the stock market in the USA. Dreams of owning a large ranch in the Outback. HooKs up with realtor, purchases huge land holding, packs and flies off to Australia.

Settling in after a few weeks, several hundred acres, long drive just to get to the main road, he's not even sure where his nearest neighbor lives? Standing on the front porch one A.M. with his coffee, he sees a approaching dust cloud, a vehicle coming down his long drive. Eventually a truck pulls up and skids to a stop.

Middle aged man hops out, big smile, introduces himself as the neighbor from "over that ridge another 12 miles or so". Some small talk, backgrounds, discussion of how secluded they are out here, etc., finally the man says he needs to leave, but then turns at the steps;

"Say young fella, I'm havin' a party this Friday night. Wanta come over?"

The guy says, "Sure, that would be great."

"Now, I'm not real familiar with Americans, there will be some drinkin' ...you don't mind drinkin' do ya?"

"Oh no, love my beer!"

"And cards ...you ain't opposed to gamblin' are ya?"

"Wow, no, I love playing poker."

"And ...well there will be some sex also, that OK?"

The newcomer, having not seen another human in weeks was ecstatic.
"Not at all!"

"Great I'll see you on Friday" The guy opens his truck door and the younger guy says, " Wait, I'm new to Australia and your customs...what should I wear to this type of party?"

"Wear? Hell, son, wear anything you please ...it's just gonna be you and me!

[imcarthur]

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?
(USA ) A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ?
(Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver.
(Italy )
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North.. oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?
(USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (Germany )
A: No, we don't stink.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent. They roam the city streets eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. Spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking will scare them off.

[Mule]

An old couple go to the holy land. They are married over 50 years and she has been an incessant b!tch the entire time.

While on the trip she dies.

The undertaker tell the grieving husband, "for $150 we can bury her here in the holy land or for $5000 we can ship her back home."

After some thought the old man says, "I'll pay the $5000 and ship her back home."

The undertaker asks, "why would you spend $5000 to ship her back home when for only $150 you can bury her in the holy land. What could be better than that?"

He responds, "well, a long time ago you folks buried a guy here & 3 days later he rose from the dead. I can't afford to take that chance!"

[Aerkuld]

imcarthur - are you sure that's right? Surely it should be more like this...

"Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die eh.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?
(USA ) A: Depends on how much you've been drinking eh.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water eh.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ?
(Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes eh.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver.
(Italy )
A: Let's not touch this one eh.

..."

You get the picture. Eh?

[imcarthur]

THE PHONE CALL

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I were still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balding than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just laughed and said she was sure I could "rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby gray haired older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she laughed, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to get lost...

[imcarthur]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at sex."

The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.The husband asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on."

So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in **his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming,"You got dem on da wrong feet! Man,
you got dem on da wrong feet!"....

[cstreit]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

[cstreit]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, in Ingonish a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties.

We're sorry sir, but we have some information about your wife said one Mountie.

Tell me! Did you find her?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, "Give me the bad news first."

The Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay.

" Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's
the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-Five pound snow crabs and 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The Mountie said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[TerryBPP]

A woman is walking down the street when a funeral per session passes by. In the line are are 2 hearst's, a woman holding 2 pitbulls and 100 women behind her.

The curious woman walks up to the woman with the pitbulls and asks "Why are you taking these pitbulls to a funeral". The woman with dogs replies "they were my husbands dogs. This is his funeral."

The curious woman asks what happened to your husband. The lady with the dogs replies "the pitbulls turned on him and killed him."

Then the curious woman asks "Whos in the 2nd hearst?" The lady replies, "oh, thats my mother in law, she was also mauled by the dogs try to defend her son".

The curious lady with a wicked smile says "Hey, can I borrow your dogs?"

The lady points to the 100 plus women behind her and says "get in line."

[TerryBPP]

A blond walks into a appliance store and asks the clerk if she can by that TV in the store front window. The clerk replies "I don't sell TV's to blonds."

So the lady goes home and dies her hair black and goes back to the store. She asks if she can buy the TV in the window. The clerk replies "I don't sell TV's to blonds."

Dumbfounded the blond asks the clerk how he knew she was a blond. He says, " thats a microwave."

[pwd72s]

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."




"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly

intelligent, thoroughly educated bird "





"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"



"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a
little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."



"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"





"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic:
politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.





I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."





The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."



"Psst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"





The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.





One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."



"What are you talking about?" asks the man.


"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."





"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"



"Well, then the postman came into the house, lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.



"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"



"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"



"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

[LeRoux Strydom]

Welsh man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Welsh man shouts "Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn cachi yn y dwr"
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow *****.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, I don't understand you".

The Welsh man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

[LeRoux Strydom]

Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And Bill comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'


'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.'

[Isabo]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."


A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest
woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh ...
immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at
him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
She replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful to his
wife and says, "My God, are you the Stripper from my bachelor party that I
laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a
spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he
invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired
to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she
thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally
ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short
pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for
the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it,
but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bedsheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and
asked again, You finish?"
Barely able to speak the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "
No, I Norwegian."

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a
bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid.
As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course
of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she
wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short
of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he
orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will
sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only
too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy
comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid
thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some
more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia. - "Melbourne", he tells her.
"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies.
"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I - what
Street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies.
"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering. "What
Number?" "Number 20", he replies.
She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this........", she
screams, "but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"
The original of that one can be found in Boccacio's Decameron! The old
jokes just keep going around.

A Roman emperour is inspecting the latest batch of captured prisoners who
are about to be selected for the arena or the slave market. He sees one who
is his double. The emperour calls to him: "you slave, was your mother ever
in Rome?"
The slave replies: "No, but my father was!"

[imcarthur]

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'

This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'

The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500.

The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.