How about a joke thread?

[dewolf]

Barack Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first.
“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent,
There is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”
David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:
“What will England be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.
“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”
David replies,
“Buggered if I know! It's in Arabic!”

[aap1966]

Helium walks into a bar, and asks for a beer. The barman replies "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here"
He doesn't react.


Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar.
And doesn't.


Heisenberg's wife left him. He was lousy in bed. When he found momentum, he couldn't find the position. When he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum.

[fastfredracing]

An older gentleman goes in to the doctor for his yearly checkup . He takes his wife with him. The doctor looks him over, and tells the gentleman that he will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample.
The older gent, hard of hearing , asks his wife " what did the doctor say?".
She replies, " he needs a pair of your dirty trousers"

[GH85Carrera]

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

[craigster59]

After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Seńor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[Laneco]

Originally Posted by aap1966

Helium walks into a bar, and asks for a beer. The barman replies "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here"
He doesn't react.


Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar.
And doesn't.


Heisenberg's wife left him. He was lousy in bed. When he found momentum, he couldn't find the position. When he found the position, he couldn't find the momentum.

OK, I found this HILARIOUS! I am SUCH a geek!

angela

[GH85Carrera]

THE WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

[Joe Bob]

[GH85Carrera]

A recent study has found that women, who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it . . .

[GH85Carrera]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.

For example....
The wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the sheets she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the sheets as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi, sweetheart", he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say, Hi?"

[dafischer]

The attractive middle aged divorcee is doing her shopping. At the checkout counter, she can't help but notice the muscular, good looking, but none too bright bag boy. When she's done checking out, she asks for the boy to help her to her car with the bags. Walking across the parking lot with him, she begins to feel a bit randy. She sidles up next to him and says in a husky voice "I've got an itchy pussy."
He replies "You'll have to point it out to me ma'am, all them Japanese cars look alike."

[GH85Carrera]

Edited - Z-man

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Geez Glen - I'm surprised that didn't get 'zinged' by now - it's 1:02 pdt here - must be OK!!

[GH85Carrera]

Reminds me of a story I like to tell about my early days in the pharmacy.
A young man comes in to the store and sheepishly asks if we carry condoms. "Yessir, I have them three for $3.95."
"Is that with tax?" the young man asked.
"No young fella, they stay on by themselves"

[GWN7]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[GH85Carrera]

Two Irish nuns are sitting at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.





"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.




The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross.".




Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"




Sister Immaculata turns to Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

[GH85Carrera]

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods
He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Dawson knocked gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sve
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.

Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.

She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."

[GH85Carrera]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ...
He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno "

[GH85Carrera]

Today, someone asked me ".....and now that you're older and retired, do you still have a job?"



I replied, "Yes, I am my wife's sexual adviser."



Somewhat shocked, he said, "I beg your pardon, what do you mean by that?"



"Very simple. My wife said that when she needs or wants my Freaking advice, she'll ask me for it."


.

[KevinTodd]

Q: What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

A: Beer nuts are $1.79. Deer nuts are just under a buck.