How about a joke thread?

[pwd72s]

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to
warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class,

'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said,

'I think he said: 'Holy Crap! A talking chicken!''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Racerbvd]

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they
watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to
the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare
vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He
took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with
a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could
be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will
be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why,
nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship
golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every
day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to
Exotic deserts, free flowing beverages..
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all
Free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the
Decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as
much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or
sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran Flakes. We
could have been here ten years ago!'

[cstreit]

PARF ready I guess.

Advancements in Medicine:

French doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An American doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

[Racerbvd]

The Frog and Golf


A man goes out golfing.
He is on the second hole when
he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."


The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the club
away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing..
You must be a lucky frog?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with
him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!
Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know

what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed
the best game of golf in his life and asks

the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas .."



" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,

"OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table,
the man asks, "What do you think I
should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table.


The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog,

I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am

forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the

frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous girl.
"And that


is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."

[cstreit]

On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D. C., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views." Pelosi's aide then said, "Look. I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon." As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle.

And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person. Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.

Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed.

She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington, and in California. She simply is not to be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

[dhoward]

The Bagpiper and the Homeless Man

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace ,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

[Embraer]

Q: Why didn't John Denver take a shower before going flying?

A: He planned on washing on shore.

[cgarr]

The Life of Leroy

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says:

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I needs you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

[cstreit]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy..........

[Racerbvd]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first . '
'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your legs.'
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The nun fainted

[teenerted1]

How to Start Fights.......


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary? It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex? 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer? She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95 Instead; she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started......

************************************************** *******************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare; please 'He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow? 'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started......

************************************************** **********************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's onTV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started......

************************************************** **********************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our up coming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...
************************************************** **********************My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him? 'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since. 'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

************************************************** **********************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT! HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

************************************************** **********************
SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST…..


THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had some thing else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf ' Always something more important to me.. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When
you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[teenerted1]

Subject: Dilemma

A woman from Los Angeles , CA who was a tree hugger, a democrat, and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the ER to see a Doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."


GOD BLESS AMERICA

[pwd72s]

One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

" Vale Road ," answered the woman.

"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "just what the hell are you looking at?'"

"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

[imcarthur]

I think I have heard this one before but . . .

-------------------------------------

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.



The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) ->

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!'

-----------------

Sorry, but the jokes have been slim . . .

[craigster59]

Edited - language. -Z-man.

[imcarthur]

A Canadian lady, a libertarian, wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received back the following reply :-

National Defence Headquarters
M-Gen. George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON, Canada K1A 0K2

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan Officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .

You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself that. we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" programme, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new programme, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.

Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant care-takers.. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a sub-human form of 'property'. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the Burkha, over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.

Good luck and, God bless you.
Cordially,

Peter MacKay
Minister of National Defence

[billybek]

In political philosophy, Libertarianism is a position that advocates the maximization of individual liberty[1] and the minimization or even abolition of the state.[2][3] Libertarians embrace viewpoints across a political spectrum, ranging from pro-property to anti-property (sometimes phrased as "right" versus "left"), from minarchist to openly anarchist.

Not a joke but I know a few staunch libertarians and they ain't too liberal.... Not that there is anything wrong with that....

[shbop]

Apple does it again!





Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $4990 to $6990, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

sorry: photo didn't come through

[drew1]

In a paranormal phsycology class, the Clemson professor asked how many of the students believed in ghosts.

After seeing about 90 hands raised, he said, "Good."

He then asked how many had seen a ghost.

About 30 raised their hands.

When asked, "How many of you have touched a ghost", 10 or 12 raised their hands.

The professor asked, "How many of you have had sex with a ghost?"

Bubba, in the back was the only one with a hand raised.

The professor said, "Amazing, as many years as I've been teaching this class, I've had noone else who has had sex with a ghost."

Bubba replied, "I though you said Goat."

[Racerbvd]

Everyone is implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart.


But anybody who would build a city 10 feet below sea level in a hurricane
zone and fill it with Democrats is a damn genius . . . .