How about a joke thread?

[johnco]

Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his frien Thibodeaux.
Thibodeaux said, "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere?
Well man, it's completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything
I know an can't get rid of dem."

Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors."

Thibodeaux say, "What's a bull constriptor?"
Boudreaux explains, "Man, dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once."

Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Klibert's Reptile Farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and just sat dere and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin ' happening. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hiself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around.

So Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake.Dem rats is still runnin' al around and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long."

Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra."

Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?"

Boudreaux say,"I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a 'reptile dysfunction'!!!!!!!!!!"

[pwd72s]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

[pwd72s]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help.. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing..
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[widgeon13]

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

[pwd72s]

I wheeled in to the office and being a modest man, when I checked into my motel, I said to the lady at the desk:



"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."



To which she replied,



"No, it's regular porn, you sick puke."

[GH85Carrera]

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:

1. Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.
2. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3. Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
4. Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
5. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
6. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
7. Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
8. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
9. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
10. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
11. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
12 Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
13. Airplanes expect to be tied down.
14. Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
15. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
16. However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it is not good.

[Steve Carlton]

An elderly Scotsman died of old age. His grandson calls the local paper to place the obituary. "How would you like it to read?" asks the girl on the line.

"Well, let's see... Angus McGinnis, lived in Sheepshead. Dead."

"That's fine. Y'know, we're having a special on ads that size this week. Three words for free. Would you like to add anything?"

"Oh, well. Let me check with the clan and I'll get right back to ya." The grandson calls back about an hour later. "Have you got the new ad?" the girl asks.

"Yes, I do. Angus McGinnis, lived in Sheepshead. Dead. Volvo for sale."

[cashflyer]

Photos from the 2010 International Submarine Race:

[cashflyer]

Irish Understanding of Life, Death and Heaven
How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

' If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!' I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, 'Then how can I get into Heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out "YUV GOTTA BE FooKN' DEAD!"
__________________________________________________ _________________

The Top Ten Signs That You're Being Stalked By A Leprechaun


Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.

Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.

Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.

Your lawn gnome has an erection - and you don't own a lawn gnome.

Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're magically delicious!"

When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy."

Voice in the shower asks, "Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?"

Pink hearts, yellow moons, and blue diamonds are scratched on your car at knee-level.

Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's.

Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.

[kach22i]

A real book?
Chuck's Weird World: April 2009

[idontknow]

Originally Posted by kach22i

A real book?
Chuck's Weird World: April 2009

Yes it is

[charlesbahn]

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he pointed out the location.


The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pant's pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . on any land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"


The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.


With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer and it seemed likely that he would be gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs . . .

"Your badge.. Show him your BADGE!"

[shbop]

An old man is sitting at the bar drinking heavily when he realizes he's out of money. He motions at the bartender and says, "if I show you something really incredible, would you give me just one more drink?" The bartender scoffs and says, "old man you've had quite enough for one night, go home." The old man begs him to reconsider and reaching into his coat pocket pulls out a baby grand piano. After placing it on the bar, he reaches into the other pocket, pulls out a frog wearing tails, and sets him down on the bar. The frog hops over to the piano, flips back his tails and is seated at the piano. To every one's absolute disbelief, the frog starts playing the most beautiful song any of them had ever heard. The bartender amazed, poured the old man a shot, which he immediately downed. He then asked for another. The bar-keep replied as he did the first time, and told the old man that while his act was incredible, he had had quite enough and should go home. The old man said; "if I show you something even more incredible than that, would you give me one more drink?" A crowd gathered around the old man as he reached yet again and pulled out the piano and the frog. As the frog hopped over and took his seat, the old man reached into his other pocket and pulled out a beautiful white mouse named Millie. As the frog started to play, the little mouse walked over, leaned on the piano, and started to sing in the most beautiful voice. A man in the audience shouted, "my god man, you've got a million dollar act. Why would you drink your life away you old fool?" Just then another patron offered the old man half a million for the mouse. The old man paused and then replied, "OK, deal." He reached into his pocket and handed over the mouse. "Drinks all around!", he yelled. The bar tender came over and said, "you foolish old drunk, you just broke up a million dollar act. The old man looked up with a smile and said, "not a chance, my frog's a ventriloquist."

[JavaBrewer]

For anyone who travels for work or fun -

[pete3799]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.


So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.....Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried , the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.

[lm6y]

Non alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. It may taste the same, but it just isn't ****ing right.

[strupgolf]

Originally Posted by pete3799

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.


So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'
The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.....Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried , the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.

Bad, really bad, did I say BADDDDDDDDDDD.

[teenerted1]

A policeman is out on patrol along “Lover’s Lane” one night, and he sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.



The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes officer?”



The cop says, “What are you doing?”



The young man says, “Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine.”



Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop asks, “And her, what is she doing?”



The young man shrugs. “Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.”



Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night on Lover’s Lane... and nothing obscene is happening! The cop asks, “What's your age, young man?”



The young man says, “I'm 21, sir.”



The cop asks, “And her ... what's her age?”



The young man looks at his watch and replies, “She’ll be 18 in eleven minutes.”

[pwd72s]

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be
your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'' Look at
these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.'

[pwd72s]

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops Off at a brothel outside of Reno, Nevada.

He walks up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,

I want your ugliest woman and a burnt pork chop!!

The Madam is astonished.......
'But sir, for that kind of money you Could have one of my finest ladies And a lovely three-course meal.

The trucker replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . I'm homesick.