How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for a position in United States Congress Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

[GH85Carrera]

HOW OLD GUYS PICK UP WOMEN:

I am getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore.

Some would even say I'm a little frayed around the edges....

But, I have a nice car, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually traveling from place to place and enjoying life. I met a nice looking girl in a park the other evening…
There was an instant spark between us.

All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet. As we lay there making love, I thought .....

"Wow, these Taser guns are really worth the money!!"

[dafischer]

I know you all will appreciate this definition. The best description of Obamacare so far:

Remember when Nancy Pelosi said:

“We have to pass it, to find out what's in it."

A physician called into a radio show and said:

"That's the definition of a stool sample.

[charlesbahn]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
You have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green ...'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

[GH85Carrera]

Nope, he would answer:

"Yellow, this is Bob."

[dafischer]

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."

[john70t]

(As told by an older gentleman)

"Yeah, I used to run with the Itis brothers back when I was a younger man.
We did everything together.
Nearly got thrown in jail a couple times.
Turns out, they was a bunch of no good crooks.
Damn Aurthur still hangs around and I can't get rid of him."

[charlesbahn]

[masraum]

heard this one at a bar last night. It's a toast.

Here's to nipples!
Without them boobs would have no point.

Here's one that a buddy told at a bar one night. The funny thing is he shouted it out just as the music finished so everyone heard it.

Here's to honor!
Don't come in her
Come on her.

(tried to keep it a bit cleaner with the spelling)

[Porsche-O-Phile]

Reminds me of this one:

She offered her honor
I honored her offer
And all through the night
I was on her and off her.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

So this dyslexic walks into a bra...

[widebody911]

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.

[widebody911]

There is one good thing you can say about pedophiles: they always drive slow through school zones...

[GH85Carrera]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

[GH85Carrera]

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.
Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No 5hit?'

[GH85Carrera]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

[Bill Douglas]

Bob heard his mobile phone ring and saw he had a text message:..


Hi Bob

This is Alan next door.
I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled
with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the
courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text as I
can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not
around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after
you've left for work.

I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I've promised her that it
won't happen again.

Regards, Alan.


Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom,
grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head,
killing her instantly.
He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down
on the sofa.. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and
saw he had another message:-


Hi Bob,

This is Alan next door again.

Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out
anyway, but as I'm sure you noticed, my predictive text changed 'WiFi'
to 'Wife'.

Hope you saw the funny side of that.

Regards, Alan.

[Bill Douglas]

Bob heard his mobile phone ring and saw he had a text message:..


Hi Bob

This is Alan next door.
I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled
with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the
courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text as I
can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not
around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after
you've left for work.

I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I've promised her that it
won't happen again.

Regards, Alan.


Bob, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom,
grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head,
killing her instantly.
He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down
on the sofa.. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and
saw he had another message:-


Hi Bob,

This is Alan next door again.

Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out
anyway, but as I'm sure you noticed, my predictive text changed 'WiFi'
to 'Wife'.

Hope you saw the funny side of that.

Regards, Alan.

[GH85Carrera]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
'Same for me,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right.. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man. Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody
emu?' The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

[dafischer]

Late in the night he regained consciousness.

He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.


She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."


Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"