How about a joke thread?

[RoninLB]

A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive Islamic Jihadist. Attached is a copy of a letter they received back:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held in one of the worst regime prisons in Iraq.

This administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards
of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) - but look on the bright side...no increase in the toilet paper bill.
He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others."
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative, so not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil, nail clippers or ten inch knives. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Koran. Oh - and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is
fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better.
Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?

Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.

Cordially...Your Buddy,
Donny Rumsfeld

[oldE]

A fellow comes back into the party after going outside for a quiet moment of medicinal herb. When he gets back in, his friends ask him why he is laughing so much.
"Oh Man!", he crows. "Some people just can't handle the stuff you know? I was just out by my car. And Rickey and my old lady were in the back? And he's so stoned, he thinks he's ME!"
Les

[lowyder993s]

Old one:

Two guys fishing...1st says "what brings you here?"
"I'm on my honeymoon."
"Shouldn't you be back at the cabin, doin' what newlyweds do?"
"Can't, she's got gonnarhea."
"There's another option."
"Can't, she's got pyarrea."
There's one last spot."
"Can't, she's got diarrea."
"Well, why did you marry her?"
"She's got worms and I like to fish."


Thank you, thank you; try the salmon.

[oldE]

A lot of my American friends ask me why Canadian money is all different colors. I tell them its because our beer has got alcohol in it!
Les

[lowyder993s]

1 Palestinian father to the other:

"How's your son?"
"He's a martyr."
"How's your son?" said the second
"He's a martyr, too" said the first.
"My, they blow up fast , don't they?" said the second.

[Joe Bob]

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar....and that was the FIRST GUY......


Speeling is not mah furst subjeect....

[oldE]

Ya know, Mike, that would have been even funnier if you'd checked your spelling! Keep 'em coming!
Les

[Isabo]

I know nothing about sports and American football in particular but this made me laugh...
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KABLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

[Isabo]

I poached these from the computer at work:
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink.

Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it goin'?"

Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him,

looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen! I screw anybody, any

time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me.

I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too!

What firm are you with"?

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and
very proud
of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and
desired to
make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to
the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk)
to make the
proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the
undertaker
that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A
VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN" Not long after, the old maid
died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the
undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had
requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had
selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He
thought long
and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request,
considering the
very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days,
he agonized over
the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed
him to come
up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The
virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read
as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"

G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave. Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a >whorehouse,"
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?" Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a >whorehouse smells like."

What has 4 legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull!

[84porsche]

"The Proof"

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into
an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting some?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think
about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in
it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels
better: your ear or your finger?"

[oldE]

A guy is driving along a country road when his car sputters to a stop alongside a pasture. As he is checking under the hood in an attempt to track down the source of the problem, he hears a voice say,"I think its the fuel pump." Looking up, he sees the only living thing inside a hundred yards is a brown cow, with a spot over one eye. He freaks out and dashes down the road to the farm house where he blurts out his tale of the talking cow to the farmer.
"A brown cow with a spot over one eye?" he asks.
"Yes! Thats the one!"
"Aw, thats Bessie. Don't pay no mind to her. She don't know ***** about cars."

[RoninLB]

Marine Corps Emblem. This came from a Marine in Iraq.

WE STOLE THE EAGLE FROM THE AIR FORCE, THE ANCHOR FROM THE NAVY AND THE ROPE FROM THE ARMY. ON THE SEVENTH DAY WHILE GOD RESTED, WE OVERRAN HIS PERIMETER, STOLE THE GLOBE AND WE'VE BEEN RUNNING THE WHOLE SHOW EVER SINCE.

[djmcmath]

Also from the Marines -- "We've been doing so much with so little for so long, we can do anything with nothing forever!"

[magilla]

Ron, that has actually been around for a looong time. Unless some of Archibald Henderson's buddies are still fighting in Iraq, no Marine there wrote that.

Semper Fi

[RoninLB]

Originally posted by magilla
Ron, that has actually been around for a looong time. Unless some of Archibald Henderson's buddies are still fighting in Iraq, no Marine there wrote that.

Semper Fi

ok.. I get so pissed off at the political beating they take from the suits.. although I heard hard second hand info that the Afg froces are doing fine doing their job because the suits are leaving them alone.

[RoninLB]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

[pwd72s]

Isabo? Now I know you're in Milan! The Detroit Lions have a pretty good quarterback in Joey Harrington...boy, do they ever need help in other positions...

[Isabo]

Well I did say I understood nothing about sport

[pwd72s]

That's okay...I don't understand soccer or cricket...

[Isabo]

Cricket doesn't count.
I understand cricket (Benefit of an English education)
You sit in a deckchair on a sunny day eating a huge portion strawberries and cream, chilled champagne at hand while a bunch of guys in white take turns standing still and running around. When the strawberries and champagne are finished or it rains, the game is over