How about a joke thread?

[pwd72s]

A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"
__._,_.___

[t951]

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been having an affair. The usual signs: Phone rings, I answer, caller hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls, it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always look out for her taxi coming home, but she always comes walking up the driveway as I hear a car setting off...as if she had exited the car 'round the corner.

Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her?

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

[pwd72s]

Boy, if this ain't the truth!!!!


A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the North Dakota prairies without water.

His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work.....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the U.S.government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

[David]

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the Trainer in the gym, “I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?”



The Trainer replied, “Use the ATM machine outside the gym!”

[GH85Carrera]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws.. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

[GH85Carrera]

This guy is sitting at home alone when
he hears a knock on the front door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there;
he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is
married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a
picture of his wife. The sheriff says,

"I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your
wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, " I know, but she has a
great personality and is an excellent cook. "

[slw911SC]

Two silkworms were racing their Porsches and ended up in a tie.

[GH85Carrera]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate exam on the National Health Service, a guy decided to have his next test while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are more gentle and accommodating. He lay naked on his side on the bed, and the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

[Joe Bob]

Apparently I was wrong --

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one
point. The question was, “where do women mostly have curly hair”?
Apparently, the correct answer was Africa .

One of the other questions was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It
appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod
after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been
banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly
past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the
lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the
floods in Pakistan . I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

[GH85Carrera]

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

[dafischer]

Q: What's the difference between an epileptic oysterman and a hooker with diarrhea?

A: The oysterman shucks between fits.

[GH85Carrera]

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing
the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning.
This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined
manner of presentation by witty minds.

A good case for reference.


One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue
when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.
One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied,
"I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night,
the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125.
She demanded the rest of the money, stating,
"If you don't give me the other $125 I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons
ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit.

He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds,
but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property,
a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery,
which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.
The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented,
but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125,
one-half of the amount agreed upon.
The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property,
and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed
AND amused by the way his opponent had presented the case.
Naturally, his defense was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it.
He rose to the occasion!

'Your honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property,
that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction.
However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones,
sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him.
We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount,
and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property.
We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered,
"Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property.
However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property.
Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones,
pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him.
In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery,
but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy,
making the property much less desirable to others.
We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options:
"Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote out a check immediately.

[GH85Carrera]

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house, because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat . The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. that stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[Joe Bob]

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." We are impatient and maybe ! letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it, will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-*****.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. As most of us are married, we're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling..

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

How about recruiting women over 50 ....in menopause! You think men have attitudes! Bloody hell, you ain't seen nothing yet!

If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They'll have it secured the first night!

Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.

[teenerted1]

---An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his
annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was
hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know
you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the
old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.


Love you,
Vinnie

[dafischer]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[Joe Bob]

Two Plastic Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the golf course. On golf days, a lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know," said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[Joe Bob]

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea ."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... If you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... If there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . For support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
And another exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor: "You, Winston, are drunk ...." "And you, Nancy, are ugly.... But I shall be sober in the morning..." - Winston Churchill

[SouthCoastPhil]

JB,

EXCELLENT!!

Thank you.

[dafischer]

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'