How about a joke thread?

[Joe Bob]

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda.

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen...Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play...all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside...you were doing chores!


And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!


See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

[GH85Carrera]

HOW DRY IS IT IN OKLAHOMA?

It's so dry in Oklahoma that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now THAT's Dry..............................

I was visiting online with a buddy out at Elk City and she said she'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

A friend in southwest Oklahoma told me the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

But just this week, here in Durant, a man said he saw a fire hydrant bribing a dog. In Lake Texoma, another friend caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Hey Joe Bob

Seriously, great rant.
I've e-mailed it to a few of my contemporaries & it was well received.

Cheers
JB

[john70t]

A reporter at the Olympics walks up to a tall, thin man dressed in a jumpsuit and says "you must be a pole-vaulter".

"I am German" he replies. "and how do you know my name?"

[pwd72s]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moley, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the otherside."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically

went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had
lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his
watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen
you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe

what happened to me this morning.



My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson ! "

[GH85Carrera]

Shampoo alert!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"!

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

It pays to read the warning labels my friends!

[Hawkeye's-911T]

I hope this isn't a re-post!

Cheers
JB

[GH85Carrera]

Two Cajuns were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.

Boudreaux said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”

“What's dat?” asks Thibodeaux.

“Send da lawn off to be mowed."

[GH85Carrera]

Walking into the bar, Duane said to Jack the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Jack. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Duane replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you chicken-chit."

[john70t]

Q: Why is American beer like sex in a canoe?

A: It's f'in close to water.

[MBAtarga]

Originally Posted by john70t

Q: Why is Coor's beer like sex in a canoe?

A: It's f'in close to water.

Edited for the version of the joke as I've heard.

[GH85Carrera]

No joke here.

Almost every man remembers the moment he drove away from home. The last bit of wisdom my dad gave me as I drove off to Oklahoma was the "joke" above. The only good beer in OK is at the liquor store.

[GH85Carrera]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. “Dad” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol’ Blue how to talk!”

“That’s amazing” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol’ Blue into that program?” “Just send him down here with $1,000” the young cowboy says. “I’ll get him in the course.” So his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester the money runs out. The boy calls home. “So how’s Ol’ Blue doing son?” his father asks. “Awesome Dad, he’s talking up a storm, but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results their starting to teach the animals how to read!”

“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?”
“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year his father is all excited. “Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning just before we were to leave for home Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal like he usually does. Then he turns to me and says, “So is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead down the road?” The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!” “I sure did Dad!” “That’s my boy!” The kid went on to law school and now serves as a Congressman in Washington D.C.

[GH85Carrera]

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece..
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

[GH85Carrera]

Two elderly people in a retirement home, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

[GH85Carrera]

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids

[craigster59]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his fly. The bartender says, "Hey, buddy, do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arrrr. And it's drivin' me nuts."

[widebody911]

Originally Posted by Joe Bob

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen...Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

This was great up until this point.

We didn't have video games. For us, a "FPS" game was BB-guns and slingshots in the back yard.

[Joe Bob]

You'll put yer eye out.....

[GH85Carrera]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
'Take the poison'