How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

A blind man was flying in a small plane with his brother, the pilot, when his brother suddenly clutched his chest and died.

After finally finding the radio, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport.

"You've got to help me! I'm totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead, and we are flying upside down!"

The air traffic controller answered "I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know that you are flying upside down?"

"Because I have crap running up my neck!!!"

[Joe Bob]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'






*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off..






FEMALE PROCEDURE:




What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card..
5.. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up..
6.. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7... Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8... Insert card.
9.. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt..
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside..
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse car back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
.
23. Give the finger to the person honking behind you.


24.. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[teenerted1]

a husband was sitting in a lawn chair drinking a beer while his wife was mowing the lawn.

as a couple old ladies walked by, on of them remarked.
"you are sitting there while your wife mows the lawn? you should be hung!"

to which the man responds,
"I am!"

[Joe Bob]

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother...

5. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

9. My feelings for you, no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[drew1]

I was in Walgrens & couldn.t find the cough medicene that I was looking for. I saw this lady wearing a Walgren badge so I asked, "Could you tell me where the cough syrup is?"

She answered, "We're out of it, must be something going around. Wait, I think I can get you something to help."

She left and came back from another isle with 2 bottles saying, "Take 2 spoonfuls every hour."

After reading some of the print I said, "Ma'am, wait. This says 'laxative'. I need something to help me stop coughing."

Her reply was, "If you follow the dosage I recomended, you'll be afraid to cough."

[imcarthur]

The way to peace

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

Ian (Sent to me by a Jewish doctor from Boca . . .)

[wdfifteen]

A guy walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman at the counter said she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, and they were the only employees.

Sheasked if she could help him. The guys said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The guy then agreed and began by saying .......

'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a .... Permanent Erection.
It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said ...... 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said. "The best we can do is:

1/3 ownership in the store .......
A company pickup truck ........
Five home cooked dinners a week .......
And $3,000 a month in living expenses.

[porsche930dude]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like
to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"
The lady reached into
her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you
had a prescription

[pwd72s]

Entering Heaven







All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination



to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk



who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.



The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a



good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She



claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry



and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was



into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the



balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the



rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his



fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was



broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I



found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the



balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this



point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and



died.? The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.



The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the



roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled



over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the



balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out



on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit



some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge



chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed



and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle



as he directs the man to the next room.



He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He



apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as



the fellow in here just before you."



"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'



in this cedar chest....."

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Caveats: The 2/3rds of a joke rule applies to the following & you may experience an uncontrollable urge to wretch.

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal. His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Now, hopefully, I am not the SOB who came along & screwed up a perfectly good day.

Cheers
JB

[E38Driver]

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the back yard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove
it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more
you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower
around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the
way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind
the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of
an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front
side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that
Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I
was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of chit lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned
back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like
there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together
it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I
can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences.....but Dad always had those piece of chit chargers made by
International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in
it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh
God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the
rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller
cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take
me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in
the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and
then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was
on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure
and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to
make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do

[GH85Carrera]

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" She asked.


"165" I said.

The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 210.

The nurse asked, "Your Height?"


"6 foot 2", I said.


The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 10"

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a witch.

[GDNF2ET]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License
and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says:

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[GH85Carrera]

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
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Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen.
Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
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Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
Screw that" says Mick" have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
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Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same, but the ironing is building up!
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Spent $40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
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What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
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Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
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A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.
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Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
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I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[GH85Carrera]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes, because Southwest always pulls out on time. And ask her to explain that to you."

[teenerted1]

. THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY


After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can(COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'

( you'll love this...)




At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia and ALL of Washington DC. montana,oregon,texas,california,Idaho

[john70t]

(this is bad moderators)

Q: What did the southern "gentleman-type" say to the northern "gangster-type" to make him run away and get all his friends?
A: Wheez a gonna have a hodown in the gym tonight.

[john70t]

Q: What's brown and sticky and you sometimes find it on the ground in the woods?
A: A stick.

[GH85Carrera]

Women sometimes do not understand men think!

At the regular Sunday morning service, Rev. Roberto announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular. Colin, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims "If Rev Roberto stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Daniel, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If Rev Roberto will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!" More sighs and loud applause....

Mary age 68, stands and announces with a smile, "If Rev Roberto stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence. Rev Roberto blushing, asks her: "Mary, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?" Mary's 70-year old husband, Mike, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: "Screw him!"

[GH85Carrera]

I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. Men never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.