How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year.
I couldn't believe it, the first time ever ... after all these years.
I never thought he'd be willing to share his "guy time" with me and being the thoughtful man that he is he even gave me an opening day present. He calls it "The First Timers Lucky Hat."
I'm so fortunate to be married to this wonderful man.
I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat, and we can hardly wait until "opening day!"

[Laneco]

Whitetail antlers go the other way, these are actually on the hat backwards. Whoever made her hat didn't know any more about deer hunting than she does.

(sorry - killjoy).

angela

[GH85Carrera]

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...

[Racerbvd]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and
tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy
little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over
you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my
fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see
you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've
never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're
soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy
tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind
of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well,
what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold,
you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a
POLITICIAN.

[GH85Carrera]

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
Well, I have done something about it: a couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and am not really sure where I got this one.

[GH85Carrera]

Shot my first turkey yesterday, scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section…
It was awesome!
Gettin' old is so much fun....

[tevake]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were
having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, " My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ' Father '."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, " My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ' Your Eminence '. "

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him
" Your Holiness. "

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, " Well....? ".


She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,


SLIM TALL 38 DDD BREASTS
24" WAIST and 36" HIPS.







When she walks into a room, people say,

" Oh My God ".

[dafischer]

Best to everyone - stay safe & well!

If you're out before the holidays. be safe always. Please take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by jerks who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and stuff like that. Therefore beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

[fred cook]

How do you starve an Obama supporter?

Hide his food stamps under his work boots!

[angeLonEarth]

Originally Posted by dafischer

Best to everyone - stay safe & well!

If you're out before the holidays. be safe always. Please take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by jerks who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and stuff like that. Therefore beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

hahaha.. damn those non drinkers!!!

[pwd72s]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking


Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sheet inside!"

[angeLonEarth]

We're having turkey for Xmas.

He's going to be sitting next to me!

[angeLonEarth]

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.




I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "you're obviously not
listening to what I'm saying."

[dafischer]

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to
communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips.

After several nights of fumbling round and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you
want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast once. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over
and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis one hundred and twenty seven times.

[ShakinJoe]

Bump...I will post joke after I read all these!

[Racerbvd]

An uplifting Story FOR CHRISTMAS


There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf .

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy.

My balls itch.





Stories like this just makes one want to cry, how heart-warming.

[Racerbvd]

CHET... THE CHRISTMAS PARROT




One day a husband decided to go to a pet store and get his wife a bird for Christmas. He knew she loved animals, birds in particular, and decided this would be the perfect gift for her.

He goes to the pet store and asks the manager if he has anything special in the way of birds. The manager tells him that in fact he does, it's a bird named Chet who sings.

The guy is very interested and asks to see Chet. The manager brings him over to a beautiful bird and tells the husband that this is Chet. The husband asks what is so special about him and the manager tells him that Chet can sing, and that he'll show him.

The manager then takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and lights it a few inches underneath Chet's right foot. Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."

The husband says that it was great and asks, "Does Chet sing anything else?"

So the manager then lights his lighter under Chet's left foot, and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..." The husband is very impressed, sure that his wife will absolutely love this bird, so he buys Chet.

He brings the bird home and presents it to his wife as a Christmas gift. She is very happy and says the bird is beautiful. The husband tells her that the bird can sing, and he takes his lighter and lights it beneath Chet's right foot, and Chet begins to sing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way..."

The wife is thrilled and asks if he can do anything else. The husband then lights the lighter under Chet's left foot and Chet begins to sing, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know..."

The wife is overwhelmed and asks, "What would happen if you put the lighter under both of his feet at the same time?"

The husband says that he doesn't know, but they could try it. So the husband puts the lighter under both of the birds feet and the bird begins to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[Racerbvd]

Elton John and David Furnish wanted a baby.



They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely.
A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David.
"All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content.
This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his ass...."

[GH85Carrera]

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.

'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’ ‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called, "sexual intercourse", it's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.'

[Racerbvd]

My Favorite Animal


Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.


My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.


I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...