How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
By John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's
Get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels
in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and
"The barbie is canceled." So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the
final escalation level.

[GH85Carrera]

Bad News About Grandpa

An elderly man had a massive heart attack and the family drove him to the emergency room.

After a while the ER doctor appeared wearing a long face.

"I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife,

"We've never had a democrat in the family before!"

[Hawkeye's-911T]

A hooded robber burst into a Kansas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Kansas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing

the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber

instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak

Then, one old farmer named Bill from Missouri tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

[GH85Carrera]

My boss phoned me today.



He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"



I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."



"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.



I said, "Of course, what is it?"



He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm in the foursome behind you."

[dhoward]

"We don't serve neutrinos faster than light here" says the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar.

[GH85Carrera]

Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. There is a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey, and crystal. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side!"

[GH85Carrera]

LIQUIDITY
Definition:

Liquidity is when you look at
your retirement funds
and wet your pants!

[GH85Carrera]

A good old Alabama boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,

"What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat",pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand . He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?" His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?" His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Alabama a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your rear end....

[GH85Carrera]

Feeling it was time for a shakeup, a new CEO was hired. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy.”

[dafischer]

I’ve always been a student of history. But I didn’t know this. .


CONDOM HISTORY
Interesting piece of history!
In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.



In 1873 , the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

[Racerbvd]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she
observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go
away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever
get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed
the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise
coming from, of all places, the living room.
She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

[GH85Carrera]

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.' I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite

[Rusty Heap]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an horrible car accident.

He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch.

Heart-warming stories like this just makes one want to cry.

[GH85Carrera]

As we are all getting older, I would like to inform my friends on new acronyms so we can understand each other when texting.

ATD- at the doctor
BFF- best friend fell
BTW- bring the wheelchair
BYOT-bring your own teeth
FWIW- forgot where i was
LMDO- laughing my dentures out
ROFLACGU- rolling on the floor laughing and cant get up
TTML- talk to me louder
T4M- time 4 meds
PMA- peed myself again
SHTTF- shouldn't have trusted that fart

[redstrosekNic]

You know why when geese fly in a "V" formation, one side of the "V" is longer than the other?







There are more geese on that side...

[GH85Carrera]

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a
personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my
pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed
for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the
keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose
them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors
of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The
parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had
left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most
difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. (I always call her "Honey" in
times like these.) "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I
heard Diane's voice. "Ken" she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not
stolen your car!"

[Racerbvd]

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas .
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the
preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd
rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than
let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the
attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.

[pwd72s]

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

[GH85Carrera]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl The authorities think he may have been pushed.

[craigster59]

A Catholic boy is seriously injured after being hit by a car outside a church. A man runs to him and says, " Would you like me to get a priest, my son?" the boy replies, " Can't you see I'm f***ing dying? Sex is the last thing on my mind."