How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

[GH85Carrera]

I called the Jenny Craig company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb.
weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and
there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the
company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, I took off after her. Soon, huffing and
puffing, I gave up. The same girl shows up for the next four days
and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, I weighed myself and
am delighted to find I lost 10 lbs. as promised. I called the company
and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a
knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,
sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is wearing nothing but
Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you
catch me you can have me'. Well, I'm out the door after her like a
shot. This girl too is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no
such luck. For the next four days, the same routine happens. And
I'm gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to my delight
on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost
another 20 lbs., as promised. I decide to go for broke and call the
company to order the 7-day/50-pounds program. "Are you sure?" asks
the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous
program." "Absolutely," I replied, "I haven't felt this good in
years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it
I find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you,... you're mine." I lost 63 pounds that week.
Signed, Skinny

[bkreigsr]

If you find that life is always dealing you more than your share of melons...
.....you're probably dyslexic...

[GWN7]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[sammyg2]

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very good of you, your honor," the husband said.
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[GH85Carrera]

A caring husband sees that his wife is busy in the kitchen and offers to help.

He: “My dear, what can I do to help you?”

She: “Take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them, and put them in the big pot to cook.”




Somehow she was mad at him because he did not do it right. Looks perfect to me.

[GH85Carrera]

The reason baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs" and "Huggies," while undergarments for old people are called "Depends":

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad to get that straightened out.

[BE911SC]

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Billy says, "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest b i t c h, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the horrible response of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson . . . .

“And you, Nancy?" ..
“ I wanna be Billy’s b i t c h."

[GWN7]

Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good
As I was gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..





Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it?. !! ]

[GWN7]

Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good
As I was gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer..





Brings a lump to your throat doesn't it?. !! ]

[shbop]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see?



'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

"You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent."

[GH85Carrera]

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was COMMANDO. (going without underwear)

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

“Yes, I’m sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.

"It’s quite all right," she replied, "It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.

The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.

"I can also make it wink," she replied. The old man stared in amazement as the vagina winked at him.

"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat. He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, he asked, “You’re ****tin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?”


It's tough gettin old.



.

[GH85Carrera]

Complete and Finished

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.

In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was:

How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Here is his astute answer...

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED,
and when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!

He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old rum.

[GH85Carrera]

I Love you Sweetheart ! The effect of those FOUR little words
..

A group of a dozen women that had all been married for over 20 years were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

The women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are the replies:

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the f**k did you do now?

7. ?!?

8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??

[Rusty Heap]

I Just got off the phone with a good friend living near the Canadian border.

He said that since early this morning the snow is nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping and is hovering at about 10-15 degrees F. The north wind is expected to increase to near gale force to add extreme windchill.

His wife has done nothing all morning but sit with her nose to the kitchen window and just stare.










He says if the weather gets much worse,......................... he may have to let her in.

[GH85Carrera]

The guys at the barber shop asked me to name the actress I would like to be stuck with in an elevator.

I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

I'm old, I'm tired, and I have to pee a lot.

[Don Ro]

"He says if the weather gets much worse,......................... he may have to let her in."
~~~~~~~~~

Great!

[GH85Carrera]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a prostitute and I charge $20 for sex."
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

[GH85Carrera]

A man and his wife moved back home to Wisconsin from Arizona .
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 a year!!!
When they arrived in Wisconsin, they went to Sven's Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in Wisconsin to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona !!!
Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here is it on the screen, direct from Ole's Wisconsin Fire Insurance Company, it says:
Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00".

[GH85Carrera]

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son, I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it is 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump crap out of an aircraft."
"Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"