How about a joke thread?

[craigster59]

2 Mafiosos are walking down the street in Brooklyn. They see a head laying in the gutter. The first Mafioso says "Hey! Isn't that Joe?" the second guy says " Nah, Joe's a big guy."

[Hawkeye's-911T]

NO! It says SASKATCHEWAN!!!"

I heard the version TINY - Ticonderoga, New York

[id10t]

Originally Posted by Hawkeye's-911T

I heard the version TINY - Ticonderoga, New York

Or Wendy vs Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day

[dafischer]

Originally Posted by id10t

Or Wendy vs Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day

It's Welcome to Jamaica, Mon, have a Nice Day. The "Mon" is good for another inch.

[Baz]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who fuched up your hair?"

[Robert Coats]

Originally Posted by dafischer

It's Welcome to Jamaica, Mon, have a Nice Day. The "Mon" is good for another inch.

The Southern version is "Shorty" . e.g., "Shorty's Bar and Grill, Chattanooga, Tennessee"

[Hawkeye's-911T]

A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE ..


After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,


'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'


The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile,


'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'


The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.


He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.



With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.


Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.


Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .





"Sonofab1tsch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

[Joe Bob]

Feb 16, 2013 11:05pm | Facebook

[KevinTodd]

Q: How do you make a puppy stop humping your leg?

A: Pick him up and suck his d*ck!

[GH85Carrera]

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile,slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.


"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.


"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage

[Don Ro]

What Adam said to Eve after she started to diddle him for the first time:
.
"You better stand back, no telling how big this thing's gonna get."

[cornemuse]

Guy comes home from work & sees a huge commotion at his house. Goes in & finds his (blonde) wifes car at the bottom of the swimming pool. "Explain to me how in the h**l did you manage that???" he says. "Well," she says, "I made a right turn at the driveway, and when I got to the living room, I took a left."

[GH85Carrera]

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level. The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. I ran away from a angry mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers and a tall glass of bourbon" Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoors man!" "No," the guy replied, "I'm just a really sorry golfer".

[GH85Carrera]

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run" The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN". The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans. The third batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!" The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls." The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

[crustychief]

Man Rules
1. Men are not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. you're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. we need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we...

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings... peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight... but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

[GH85Carrera]

A lady found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.


Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.


At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."


Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."


The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."


Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."


The pharmacist looked a bit surprised, but after a pause, said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[GH85Carrera]

Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, (from Toronto) Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, (from Montreal) Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce (from BC): "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, (from Newfoundland) Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

[cashflyer]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

[pwd72s]

A man goes to the doctor and tells him he hasn't gone to the bathroom in a week. The doctor gives him a prescription for a laxative and says "This should do the trick".

Three days later he is back, same problem. The doctor gives him a stronger dose and says "Let me know how this works". Three days later he is back again, no luck.

The doctor decides to look into this further and begins questioning him. "How do you sleep"? "Fine says the the man". "How about exercise"? Yea, I do a lot of bending and walking." "Maybe it's work related, what do you do for a living"? "I am a professional pool player", says the man. "There is the problem" says the doctor, as he reaches in his pocket and hands the man a ten, "Get yourself something to eat".

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by cashflyer

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

There is an astonishing amount of wisdom to be found on this board.