How about a joke thread?

[cool_chick]

What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?




Getting them back into the wheelchair.

hehe

sorry

[kach22i]

These terms have been updated to fit today's times:

CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD &POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.

[Simon S]

What did the fish say after swimming into a brick wall?















'Dam'

[EdT82SC]

Did you hear about the Pope's last visit to the United States?

When the Pope got off the plane, there was a beautiful limo there waiting for him. His holiness went over to the limo driver and told him that he had never driven a limo before, and he wanted to try it. The limo driver said OK.... (of course!)

The pope went driving around the city, and drove the wrong way down a one-way street. Two cops in a cruiser stopped the limo, and the first cop went up to talk to the driver, and the second stayed in the car.

Soon the first cop came back, looking a little pale.

"I can't give this guy a ticket", said the first cop.

"Why not? He drove the wrong way down a one-way street!", replied the second cop.

"Yes, but this guy's important!", responded cop1

"Well, is he more important than the mayor?", asked cop2.

"Oh yeah, he's more important than the mayor.", said cop1.

"Is he more important than the governor?", asked cop2.

"Yeah, he's more important than the governor.", replied cop1.

"Well, is he more important than the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES!?!", asked cop2.

"Oh yeah, he's much more important than the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES!", replied cop1.

Rather annoyed, cop2 asks, "Who the heck IS this guy that's more important than the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES!?!"

To this, cop1 replied, "Well, the POPE is driving, YOU figure out who's in the BACK SEAT!!!!!

[Isabo]

A young man called Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for his new
sweetheart Sarah as they had not been together for very long and he wanted to
surprise her. After careful consideration he decided that a pair of gloves
would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by
his sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the
sister got the gloves and Fergus got the panties. Later, without thinking to
check the contents, he sent the package to his sweetheart with the following
note attached:

Dear Sarah,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for my sister I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that
are easier to remove. I am aware that these are a delicate shade, but the
lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for
the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on
for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on
her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny;
in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I
wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many
other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how
many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will
wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love
Fergus

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.

[Rob Channell]

Did you hear about the Jewish priest that gave free circumcisions?

He only took tips.

[Rob Channell]

A true story:

A majorette my college roomate was dating got pulled over. The officer asked her if she'd ever had a citation and she answered "Why no officer, I've always had this Escort." She didn't understand why he laughed so hard, but at least she didn't get a ticket.

[KevinP73]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up from her knitting she says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
She smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket," the driver responds.
His wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And, as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking, officer."

[RoninLB]

The End of Child Support
A little humorous "southern" story on child support:

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday..... I be so glad that this my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those darn payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on yo mama's face."

So my baby girl she take the check over to her. I be anxious to hear what she say and what she look like. Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"

She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy...... and watch the
expression on yo face.

[johnco]

Boudreaux is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for
sale over in Church Point. He drives over to Church Point, looks at
the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs her closest teat and pulls, the cow farts. Boudreaux is
very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches
under the cow to try again. So, he grabs another teat, pulls, and the
cow farts again. Milk does come out, however So, after some discussion, Boudreaux decides to buy the cow anyway and takes it home.Boudreaux calls his neighbor Thibodeaux over and says, "Come here and look at dis new cow I just bought. Pull her teat, and see what
happens."
Well, Thibodeaux reaches under and pulls; the cow farts. Thibodeaux
looks up at Boudreaux and says, "Did you buy dis cow in Church Point, Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux is very surprised and says, "dats right, how did ya know?"
Thibodeaux says, "My wife, she from Church Point too."

[Robert Coats]

Guy sits down on the airplane and the other guy is laughing at something.
"What so funny bud?"

"Oh, I just a a Freudian Slip" out there at the gate. You know, Signumd Freud, say what you think, not what you mean?"

"Uhhh, no. What are you talking about?"

"Well, the clerk out there is this really nice blonde with schweet ta-tas. I was staring at them so intently, when she said, "Can I help you?" I replied, "Yes, I'd like a picket to Titsburg please!" Oh, I was so embarasses, but she laughed it off with me."

"Oh, yeah, I understand now. Say, the same thing happend to me today at breakfast. I was flipping through the newspaper, and was going to ask my wife to pass the sugar, but it came out as, "You crazy *****! You ruined my f*cking life!"

[Robert Coats]

Q: What was the last thing Jesus said to everyone at the Last Supper?



A: "Okay, everybody get on this side of the table so you can be in the painting!"

[Robert Coats]

Two animal researchers wanted to test what would happen if a pig developed a bowel blockage. Since they were low on funds, all they had was a cork, some safety glasses, and a trained monkey. For weeks, the trained the monkey to remove the cork from the pig, so the researchers could study the reaction. Then, the fed and fed and fed the pig. It ballooned into a giant, pink hog.




The day arrived to pull the cork, and the monkey scampered of to do his job. A few seconds later, and there was a giant explosion and crap flying everywhere. When the emergency crews got the the site, the found the two researchers sitting in pig stink laughing as loud as they could. One rescue staff was told what happend, then asked, "What is so funny about that?" A researcher replied, "Oh, the funny part was watching the monkey try to put the cork back in!"

[RoninLB]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three
Million Dollars..............
but Realistically,......... we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.

[tdatk]

A bear and a rabbit were out *****tin in the woods.
The bear yells over to the rabbit."Hey rabbit, you ever had a problem with ***** stickin to your fur?"
The rabbit replies " why no"
So the bear reaches over and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

[Mike(dat's me)]

Originally posted by RoninLB
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a Texas bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Say, isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor.
What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning World War III ".
All the guy says is, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis and one blonde with big breasts."
The guy exclaims, "A blonde with big breasts? Why kill a blonde with big breasts?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartass?!
I told you no one would worry about 40 million Iraqis!"

Ok, with all the "left this" and "right that" on this board, this about killed me.... my side hurts... tears...

thanks ronin

[pwd72s]

Subject: Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is
hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day
promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door . The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins
to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly
slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production
line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so
the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the
line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the
factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by
mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge
bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes
of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman "I'm
sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but
I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

[jshape]

Guy sees and ad in the paper "Talking Dog - $20." So he calls and gets the address. He shows up and tells the woman that answers the door, "I called about the dog.." The woman says, "Yep, he's in the bedroom, go right in."

Sure enough, there in the bedroom is a white dog, lying on the bed watching Oprah on TV. The dog says "Hi, how'ya doin."

Stunned, the guy goes, "Wow, a real talking dog! What's your story?"

The dog rolls over and looks the guy in eyes and says, "Well, I was born in Northern California and was trained as a fire rescue dog, but that got a bit dangerous, so I thought I'd like a change of pace. I moved to France and became a mountain rescue dog, but the mountain climbing in winter was really hard on my paws and I didn't like lugging that brandy around my neck either. In fact, I started nipping on that brandy a bit, so much so that I ended up in a 12-step program. After that, I figured maybe a guide dog for the blind was a bit more my style. Then, after 9-11 happened, I volunteered to work with finding survivors, but since there weren't many, I got really depressed and lost most of my ambition. I've been retired now for almost four years, and mostly watch TV and sleep."

The guy is amazed and tells the dog, "You stay right there!" He runs out to the woman and says, "Here's your $20, I'll take him! He's absolutely amazing, why on earth are you selling him?"

The woman looks at the guy and says, "Because he's a BIG FAT LIAR!!!"

[kmhemi]

worst joke of the year:

What's the definition of relative humidity?

It's the sweat on your B@lls when you are Fu**ing your sister....

[dhoward]

Religious differences...

1. Muslims do not recognize Judaism as a religion.


2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader

of the Christian faith.


4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.