How about a joke thread?

[aap1966]

Angela Merkel arrives at Athens Airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German" she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days".

[Mothy]

There is a rumour the the EURO is now going to be printed on Greece proof paper.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked AAA van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .."Blow that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ....
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


The wife was counting all the 5 cents and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."



When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the effing thing!


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern..

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 Irishmen go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

Cheers
JB

[scotiagreg]

Two old timers from Nova Scotia walk into the pub. A sign says "Special - Lobster tail and beer $9.95" One old timer looks at the other and says " I can't believe it, my three favourite things.

[wdfifteen]

As I stood in front of the mirror, critically examining at my naked body, I thought, "They're probably going to throw me out of this IKEA pretty soon."

When I make breakfast in bed for someone all I expect is a simple thank you, not all this screaming about, "Who are you and how did you get into my house?"

[dafischer]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot magazine and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the bar called out, "You don't have enough ammo!

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Caveat: Might be a repeat as is fast becoming the case.

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $52,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!"

Cheers
JB

[Don Ro]

Understanding U.S. Newspapers and Their Readers
~~~~~~~~~
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times.
.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it.
.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
.
9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.
.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
.
11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all
that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
.
12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
.
13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.
.
14. The Arizona Republic is read by people who know who isn't running the country, especially in matters pertaining to the border.

.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

oops!!

[GH85Carrera]

A Montana police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

[GH85Carrera]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas
Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like
hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're
coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."

[wildthing]

I know some of these have been posted individually in this same thread. For that I apologize. Here they are together:
---------------------------------------------
First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'


The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'


The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Bob, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Bob had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Bob,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Bob is dead!'



The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned! with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'


The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and
a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied,

'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

[GH85Carrera]

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[BE911SC]

Bob Hope's last words, to his wife when she asked him where he wanted to be buried: "Surprise me."

Funny to the end.

[wdfifteen]

"TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... "

Damn you, now I have to clean my keyboard.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar. They're staring at another man.

Suddenly the Irishman says, "It's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Molson Canadian.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

When he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of a amazement, "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle."

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go the man's eyes widen with shock. "Strewth, mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone.

It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God.

"What's wrong, my son?" says Jesus.

The Newfie shouts, "Don't touch me. I'm on Workers Compensation!"

(Our American friends can substitute "Newfie"(Newfoundlander) with their favourite generic group of folks generally on the 'wrong' end of their jokes.)

Cheers
JB

[GH85Carrera]

Jesus more than likely would have slapped the Aussie for sending over a crappy beer like Fosters

[charlesbahn]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.


His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."



The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.



After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."



The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."



His Dad replied: "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

[Mothy]

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

Jesus more than likely would have slapped the Aussie for sending over a crappy beer like Fosters

None of us drink the stuff. Longest running practical joke in history.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

I did have 2nd thoughts on changing out the 'festers'. Myself, I preferred VB, Coopers, or Crown Lager when I in lived in Waverton & North Sydney. I am sure I'll catch some flak on these choices, but hell, I am a dyed-in-the-wool Heineken drinker - so there ya go!


Cheers
JB