How about a joke thread?

[sammyg2]

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

[Don Ro]

^^^^^

Perfect!

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Cheers
JB

[GH85Carrera]

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.


Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year,
which means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.


Kind of makes you proud. I almost feel like a hybrid.
__________________________


A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a
heart attack.


"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.


The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.


"I'm dying here and you're putting."


"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the
second hole and he's coming to help you."


"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.


"No time at all," says her husband. "everybody's already agreed to let him
play through."


__________________________

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest
asks, "what are you going to use on this hole, my son?"


The young man says, "an 8-iron, father, how about you?"


The priest says, "i'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."


The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.


The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.


The young man says, "i don't know about you, father, but in my church, when
we pray, we keep our head down."
__________________________


Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron
standing over a lifeless man.


The detective asks, "ma'am, is that your husband?"


"Yes" says the woman.


"Did you hit him with that golf club?"


"Yes, yes, i did." the woman begins to sob, drops the club and puts her hands on her face.


"How many times did you hit him?"


"I don't know -- put me down for a five."
_________________________


A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of heaven, st. Peter asked, "are you a good golfer?" The man replied: "got here in two, didn't i?


__________________________


The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the
groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.


She said: "what are your golf clubs doing here?"


He looked her right in the eye and said, "this isn't going to take all day, is it?"

[HardDrive]

Sister Mary and Sister Josephina were driving through the streets of Dublin one day, on their way to buy bread for the convent.

Suddenly, a group of drunk hooligans pulled up next to them, and one of them shouted, "Oi, show us yer teets ya penguins!"

Sister Mary was taken aback, and said to her companion, "Oh my, I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross Sister Josephina."

Sister Josephina rolled down her window, and shouted, "Go home and ***** yer ugly whore of a mother you stuttering dickless gob****e!!!!".

She rolled up the window, and turned to Sister Mary. "Did that sound cross enough?"

[KevinTodd]

Q: Why don't roosters wear britches?

A: Because their peckers are on their heads.

[Mothy]

"What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter."

Masai Graham

[porsche930dude]

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.

“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaims

So she starts to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man says, “I can’t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”

The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. “No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.” So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them. “What are those?” he asks. “Viagra,” she calmly replies.

“I’ll be ****ed,” said the man, “I didn’t know Viagra works as a pain killer.”

“It doesn’t,” says the wise lady, “But it’ll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”

[GH85Carrera]

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust....' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

[GH85Carrera]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9..'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,
"
Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong myself..."

[charlesbahn]

[GWN7]

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas . After the plane took off, the cowboy asked the flight attendant for whiskey, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy promptly handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[GH85Carrera]

SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds..
If you are over 55 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test, even if you aren't that old you should take it anyway.

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

Answers below.















Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's. You are a pervert!

[charlesbahn]

[rcooled]

In your best Rodney Dangerfield voice...

I came home with a tube of KY Jelly last night and said to my wife, 'This'll make you very happy in bed tonight.'
I was right. When I went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknob and I couldn't get back in.

[gacook]

Originally Posted by Mothy

None of us drink the stuff. Longest running practical joke in history.

I got razzed pretty heavily when I went to a bar in Australia and ordered a Foster's...In my defense, I was only around 20, and they advertise it so well in the U.S. Foster's--it's Australian for beer! Yeah...lol.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

So a pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle,

and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."



The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?

What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle.

I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off.

I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."


"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over.

I looked up, and one of them czhit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.

"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird-czhit"

"It was my first day with the hook."

[Bob Kontak]

Three year old boy in the bathroom hanging with Mom while she takes a bath.

He points to her "down there" and asks "What is that, Mommy?" She says, That's just my beaver, Honey."

Little boy is also baby-sat by grandma. He says, "Grandma has one too, but I think it's dead."

"Why do you say that?" asks Mom.

"Because it's tongue is sticking out."

[GH85Carrera]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

[hook682]

Whats the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?




With a porcupine the pricks are on the outside....