How about a joke thread?

[dafischer]

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's butt?


A: A mechanic.

[GH85Carrera]

Dear Dr. Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is my wife a pervert or what?

[GH85Carrera]

OK, a 100% clean joke you can even tell in church!



Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angelfood cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat
And the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed,
"Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet Paper.

She plunked it in and then coveredit with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified. She was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized,talked about, ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her And talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake And would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of an excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south and to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for desert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake! She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say,
"THANK YOU, I BAKED IT MYSELF" Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD IS GOOD"

[Larsris5]

Why is Italy shaped like a boot?

[oldE]

Spam reported.

Les

[dafischer]

Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie,
and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado,
rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...


Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest
cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands
and castrated that sucker with my teeth."



Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was
walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from
under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands,
bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."



Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the
campfire coals with his dick...

[oldE]

I was talking to an old guy the other day. I thought the patch on his jacket said "Grateful Dead"

Upon closer inspection, it said,
"GratefulI'm notDead

I can understand that.
Best
Les

[GWN7]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were longtime members of a hunting camp. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain’t Stanley.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Stanley.The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two *******s.”
“What! Two *******s?” asked the mortician.
“Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two *******s.”

[sammyg2]

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.
The old man was visibly upset.
He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price, yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to the lovely young lady there.
And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

"The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water.

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."

Once again.... don't mess with seniors.

[GH85Carrera]

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?”

A blonde carefully works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?”

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!”

Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.”

So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?”

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?”

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, “OK! OK! Just one more chance – what is 2 plus 2?”

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?”

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream…

“Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

[gchappel]

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

[gchappel]

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

[GH85Carrera]

My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took
it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell
Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.”

[Evans, Marv]

An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

[GH85Carrera]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[GH85Carrera]

Man killed on golf course . . . The price of honesty!

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she duffs it 10 feet. Then she goes over and misses it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically: "I guess all those f***king lessons i took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds: "well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43 ...

[ckissick]

Two guys were walking across a field when they came upon a hole in the ground, about 2 feet around. They looked down and couldn't see the bottom. One guy threw a rock down the hole and they couldn't hear it hit bottom. "That's a mighty deep hole," said one of them.

The other guy noticed an anvil nearby. He picked it up and dropped it down the hole. They never heard it hit bottom. Just then, a goat came running past them, fast as lightning, and jumped right down the hole without hesitation.

The two guys looked at each other in amazement when they heard someone calling, "Mabel! Oh, Mabel!" A farmer approached the guys and asked, "You fellas see a goat around here? Name's Mabel."

One of the guys said, " A goat just jumped down this here hole."

"That's impossible," said the farmer. "She was chained to an anvil."

[fred cook]

Here is something that I have thought for a long time but could not express as well as does this picture!

[Baz]

A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun.”

“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the young man.

“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body.” said the father.

The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, “These are ‘babouches”, which keep us from burning our feet in the desert.“

“So tell me then,” added the boy.

“Yes, my son?”

“Why are you living in Boulder, Colorado , and still wearing all this ****?

[fred cook]

An attractive brunette got a seashell tattooed on her upper thigh. If you put your ear against it, you can't hear the ocean, but you can smell the fish!