Separation as a tool to save a marriage...your experiences?

[Heel n Toe]

Originally Posted by Dueller

....today, I learn she is taking the nite of her 50th birthday off to have dinner with the kids. And I'm not included. This is hurtful to me for some reason.

::::::::snip::::::::::::::::

I'm trying not to portray myself as victim or have a pity party, but its a tough pill to swallow.

It's understandable that it's hurtful. She turned you down last night because she was tired, but has enough energy tonight to go out. To celebrate her birthday.

Just not with you.

Others have said it's probably best for now that you're not there because of the girls.

That's ignoring the fact that she could be going out with just you... especially after turning you down last night.

She may have had this gathering planned for weeks... the daughters may have initiated it.

In that case, it's not that much of a slight.

I don't think you're portraying yourself as a victim... you're just expressing your feelings because you're being put on hold and not being made a priority in any sense of the word when it's obvious you're putting a lot of heart, thought, and effort into the relationship... albeit with your scaled-back, no-pressure approach (which is good at this point, IMO).

She's continuing to act somewhat childishly at this point. When her schedule permits, perhaps she'll be able to find time for counseling for the two of you. I hope that's the case.

Best wishes, Jim... you're doing all the right things at this point, and it's good to hear you're dealing with it as well as you are.

[red-beard]

Hey Jim, fly out to Houston this weekend, we'll show you a good time!

Guns, Beer, BBQ, guns, boobs, guns and beer.

[BRPORSCHE]

Originally Posted by red-beard

Hey Jim, fly out to Houston this weekend, we'll show you a good time!

Guns, Beer, BBQ, guns, boobs, guns and beer.

I do second that. Houston...the hotter Vegas.

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by Heel n Toe

It's understandable that it's hurtful. She turned you down last night because she was tired, but has enough energy tonight to go out. To celebrate her birthday.

Just not with you.

Others have said it's probably best for now that you're not there because of the girls.

That's ignoring the fact that she could be going out with just you... especially after turning you down last night.

She may have had this gathering planned for weeks... the daughters may have initiated it.

In that case, it's not that much of a slight.

I don't think you're portraying yourself as a victim... you're just expressing your feelings because you're being put on hold and not being made a priority in any sense of the word when it's obvious you're putting a lot of heart, thought, and effort into the relationship... albeit with your scaled-back, no-pressure approach (which is good at this point, IMO).

She's continuing to act somewhat childishly at this point. When her schedule permits, perhaps she'll be able to find time for counseling for the two of you. I hope that's the case.

Best wishes, Jim... you're doing all the right things at this point, and it's good to hear you're dealing with it as well as you are.

Thanks for the kudos...but I really don't have much choice at this point.

FWIW her birthday is NEXT thursday...not tonite. And I am comfortable with not being included for the reasons stated here. As far as being turned down last night I know she went straight home and crashed. And she did ask for a rain check.

Also, we did go to marriage counselor together at the outset who recommended the short term break...just don't know when she is going to be ready to resume marriage counseling. And don't know how long I'm willing to wait.

Perhaps when the kids are off at school for a few weeks and she realizes they have their own lives the time will be ripe to see if a reconciliation/counselling is in order.

Time will tell.

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by red-beard

Hey Jim, fly out to Houston this weekend, we'll show you a good time!

Guns, Beer, BBQ, guns, boobs, guns and beer.

Would love to RB...but I've got a day on they lake planned tommorrow with all those things on the agenda....especially the guns...I'm going with a bunch of LEO's on their party boats.

[artplumber]

Jim, the real question is can you be OK being second fiddle. Leopards don't change their spots. The girls will always be more important than you. She may say that things will be different, just don't count on it. If you can be OK with that (& I'm not suggesting that you should not), then get back together. If you can't be OK with that, then let her know and get on with the rest of your life.

[Joeaksa]

Originally Posted by Laneco

You know, Dueller, there's something in this message that I don't think has been addressed... Sending the girls to college is a HUGE life changing event, she's excited and depressed over it. Exhausted over work, concerned over her mood changes (probably well aware that this is due to physical changes).

When this much stuff is happening all at once, coupled with work exhaustion, maybe what was really needed was a VACATION, not a seperation... My humble slept-in-a-motel-6 last night opinion is that she needed a seperation from being depressed, exhausted, etc. Not a seperation from YOU. I am not seeing, based on what you report above, that YOU are the problem.

angela

Another thing to add into this mix is that all this may be happening when she is going through the "change of life" and everything is mixed up.

Hope that Angela is correct and also hope that they can patch things up...

[Dueller]

OK...traditionally I always went and got fresh hot donuts and chocolate milk for the girls on Sundat mornings. Today is their last sunday before they leave for college.

I'm tempted to go pick up donuts and deliver them to house before they get up and leave them on the front stoop. Thoughtful? Or will it be interpretted that I'm a psycho stalker? Or a door mat?

FYI...I've had zero zilch nada contact withthem since 7/4/09.

[imcarthur]

Thoughtful. Continue the tradition but without contact. Text them to look outside & wish them well. IMHO . . .

Ian

[red-beard]

Originally Posted by Dueller

OK...traditionally I always went and got fresh hot donuts and chocolate milk for the girls on Sundat mornings. Today is their last sunday before they leave for college.

I'm tempted to go pick up donuts and deliver them to house before they get up and leave them on the front stoop. Thoughtful? Or will it be interpretted that I'm a psycho stalker? Or a door mat?

FYI...I've had zero zilch nada contact withthem since 7/4/09.

I considered this with a present for a very short term GF. While guys would view this as a "I was trying to do something nice, etc", the girls will view it as a psycho-stalker thing.

Ask Angela.

The only "right" way is to call the girls, say you wanted to see them before going off to college, then drop off the donuts.

[Joeaksa]

I would do it as well. How you let them know is up to you but it would be a nice surprise.

Their reaction could be very telling, one way or the other.

[Dueller]

Well, I spoke to my brother who actually talked with my wife yesterday (about our sick pooch...he's a vet). They did briefly discuss our situation and wife told him it will work out...just gonna take some time. My brother has also been thru an almost identical situation with teenage stepdtrs.

He says absolutely NOT. The girls will interpret it as an apology from me for which I owe them none. Maybe to their mother I owe an apology but not to them. Further, they do not care about any efforts on my part to be concilliatory. He feels that the appropriate time is to resume the tradition when they come home for a visit from college. His experience is that he tried to be doting/involved step dad when he should have only concentrated on husband role.

So no donuts today.

[Joeaksa]

BS, go get the donuts and have a couple yourself!

[Oh Haha]

Originally Posted by joeaksa

bs, go get the donuts and have a couple yourself!

+1

[wreckersteve]

Wife and I split up after Christmas. I blame the stepkids for alot. You are expected to treat them as your own, but they dont have treat you like there dad type bs. Concentrate on husband role. The girls are old enough that they feel they dont need you. Someday when they mature, they might appreciate you. In my case I doubt it.

[creaturecat]

Good decision on the donuts.

[john70t]

It sounds like the girls are spoiled "princesses" who think you are just a talking atm machine who's taken mommy away.
I would call them and wish them well, as you would any new junior associate to the firm, but that's it.
There's no point in overextending yourself there, you are the adult/authority figure. Let them come back to you later on when they figure out they need you emotionally/stategically. This might take years if at all.

Mommy sounds like she's regressing into a friendship/teenager role over seperation anxiety fears.
They say you are the "outsider" so she has to agree.
This is only temporary. They will turn on her too, as soon as they have the money and freedom.

I would take a slow and easy approach with the wife. "Hold on loosly but don't go". Show her know you are thinking about her but let her make the moves.

In the meantime have some fun.
Try new hobbies that the two of you could possibly share: gardening, dancing, film festivals, etc. This might peak her curiousity/jealousy in a good way.
Definitly do all the "man" things as much as necessary.
Bounce back and show her that you can be an spontaneous, independant, and full of life which is attractive to all women. Reinvent yourself as the stranger she wanted to date.

Ultimately it sounds like she will make the choice, but this might be a good time for you to grow as well.

[Sapporo Guy]

@ livi -- now I know the reason why I've always like you! We share a similar past

Hey Duel!

Lot's of great advise here!
1.) looks like the girls are still the issue here including the leaving the nest issue
2.) possible menopause ???
3.) mother needs readjustment to you w/o the girls
4.) like Angela wrote she needs a time-out
5.) does not sound like she's lookin' for a new Stallone
6.) just cause your a lawyer do NOT do your own case -- get a buddy to look after you!


Call the girls when they get to university. Nothing wrong with wishing them good luck and what not. Just stay away from the house (when they are there) until things clear. It'll just be a strange/awkward situation.

However, I haven't seen this in this thread so ... You need to make it known that if she wants to come back that she comes back on agreeable terms to you and your wife. Not just hers ... if you do ... well you did ....

For myself, ever fight I have where my Gal left the house cause of a fight, I made it very clear that when she comes back it is because SHE came back. It was not me begging for her to come back. I have always been the good guy who gave in. I feel that I lost my ex-wife because I wasn't a "man" sometimes. More often than not I was p***y-wipped and what not. This time I stand my ground and make it well known that I will listen, will work out an agreeable solution for the "2" of us and that I ONLY want her back if she "loves" me.

I have also used a time limit. She came up with all kinds of BS but I said 3 weeks. If she didn't know by then she would never know. Interesting enough she used up only 20 days. Since then things have been more reasonable in the house and I can be PY-wiped guy again without the need of being a dick.

Duel ... you are a GOOD man, a GOOD father, and a GOOD husband NEVER forget that!!!

Good luck buddy!

[m21sniper]

Originally Posted by Dueller

Thanks for weighing in, Angela. In this thread and a related one, several posters have called out for your input. Your comments are somewhat reassuring.

After the text mesages (the following evening) we visited on the phone for about an hour. Of course we gravitated towards our old style of tit for tat or keeping score. I finally suggested at this stage we just get together and do some superficial things; i.e., stop dwelling on the big issues and just go have some casual fun. She agreed that was a better tact at this point but she is overwhelmed still about everything being off kilter in her life. Haven't had an opportunity to get together.

Last nite I invited her out for a late date breakfast at the "Awful House" (Waffle House) since there was a full moon and that was the first meal we shared on our first date with a full moon as well. She politely declined citing exhaustion from work but asked for a rain check. Rather than get disappointed I texted back: "I understand. Get some rest. Love you." She responded "Thank you. I love you too."

So we are slowly opening the lines of communication. And independent confidants have verified she wants the marriage to work out, she's not interested in greener pastures, she's overwhelmed with every thing, etc etc.

But then today, I learn she is taking the nite of her 50th birthday off to have dinner with the kids. And I'm not included. This is hurtful to me for some reason. I know they're not my bio children but I have been in their life for the past six years doing a lot of heavy lifting in their rearing...from homework to car repair to sitting thru years of athletic events, beauty pageants, etc to buying the big house in the proper school district to exposing them to international travel on every vacation dating back to when we were just dating to making personal/financial sacrifices deferring my own needs, etc etc. Now they're all leaving for college and I don't get to enjoy the fruits of my labor and she doesn't seem to care. I'm trying not to portray myself as victim or have a pity party, but its a tough pill to swallow.

Thanks for your thoughts. Guess its gonna take time to salvage but once the kids are gone there will be more time to work on us, hopefully.

You poor bastard...you got it bad. :-/

Originally Posted by red-beard

Hey Jim, fly out to Houston this weekend, we'll show you a good time!

Guns, Beer, BBQ, guns, boobs, guns and beer.

You should do this Dueller.

The world has not ended my friend.

[m21sniper]

Originally Posted by Dueller

OK...traditionally I always went and got fresh hot donuts and chocolate milk for the girls on Sundat mornings. Today is their last sunday before they leave for college.

I'm tempted to go pick up donuts and deliver them to house before they get up and leave them on the front stoop. Thoughtful? Or will it be interpretted that I'm a psycho stalker? Or a door mat?

FYI...I've had zero zilch nada contact withthem since 7/4/09.

Don't do that.

Originally Posted by john70t

It sounds like the girls are spoiled "princesses" who think you are just a talking atm machine who's taken mommy away.
I would call them and wish them well, as you would any new junior associate to the firm, but that's it.
There's no point in overextending yourself there, you are the adult/authority figure. Let them come back to you later on when they figure out they need you emotionally/stategically. This might take years if at all.

Mommy sounds like she's regressing into a friendship/teenager role over seperation anxiety fears.
They say you are the "outsider" so she has to agree.
This is only temporary. They will turn on her too, as soon as they have the money and freedom.

I would take a slow and easy approach with the wife. "Hold on loosly but don't go". Show her know you are thinking about her but let her make the moves.

In the meantime have some fun.
Try new hobbies that the two of you could possibly share: gardening, dancing, film festivals, etc. This might peak her curiousity/jealousy in a good way.
Definitly do all the "man" things as much as necessary.
Bounce back and show her that you can be an spontaneous, independant, and full of life which is attractive to all women. Reinvent yourself as the stranger she wanted to date.

Ultimately it sounds like she will make the choice, but this might be a good time for you to grow as well.

I agree with all this, except that i don't think you should be trying to woo her. IMO you should put her behind you and let her pursue you instead of you pursuing her, which clearly you are still doing.