Things are getting pretty bad..."Dad, I can't live like this anymore..." - Page 5

BlueSkyJaunte · 09-01-2009, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moses

Mike, you've gotta be one of the most patient men I know. After reading your last post I'm not sure how you can take it. Hoping you would die in surgery? Wow.

+1,000,000

Kids or no kids I would've been long gone at this point. You are a better man than I.

madmmac · madmmac's Garage

Mike, her life's previous dreams, goals and aspirations are disappearing while her vision is dwindling. What was once her life as a mother, wife, daughter, as she knew and experienced it, is rapidly going away. She is losing her independence, control, power, and just normal duties through no fault of her own.

Any personal faults that she may have had prior are only now being exaggerated at this time due to the situation she is now in.

Her mind and hearing are in overdrive. Her head is in chaos at this time. Over analyzing, preoccupied with with minute and mundane things. Churning them over and over again in her minds eye. Her minds eye is the only vision that she has left.

Many of the things that she once had, did, or aspired to do or be, are now gone as the darkness envelops her.

She can feel your touch and the force with which it is given. Simple footsteps, whether stomped loudly or tread softly will be analyzed and interpreted by her minds eye. She can't see your smile, the gleam in your eye or the pride you have for her. You will have to voice those.

She can hear your voice and the inflections in it. She is more a tuned to it now and will become even more aware as her darkness progresses.

It is going to be tough.

There are two things that only you have total control of, that is your perception and attitude towards anything and everything. Those two are yours and yours only.

Hold her, talk to her in a calm, soothing voice. Reassure her. Give her massages. Treat her like you did when you first fell in love with her. That person is still there, you just can't see her right now.

I wish your family the strength, wisdom and love that it will take to get through these times.

7T7911s · 09-01-2009, 11:01 AM

Mike;
My prayers are with you and your family. I have not seen anyone suggest that you read
(edited) posts to your wife. This will let her know that you care enough to seek help and advice. Read to her the positive comments and responces that are being sent to you entire family. I used to spend my lunch time reading mail to a customer of mine who had lost his sight. He had full blown aids and everyone he knew had turned away from him. I was his mailman for only a year before he died. We would sit and discuss any and everything. He liked for me to describe the sky to him. Try this with your wife and have the kids help. Ask her
to describe rain clouds from her memories. I have been married 24 years. My wife suffers from severe depression/anxiaty. She recently spent an evening in the ER. this was after me returning home from my 1st day in a new position. I had to turn down the promotion and took a couple of weeks off to spend time with her. I can't fix my wife. I hate being unable to put a wrench on the problem. Patience is not a virtue I posses.
Kenny

tabs · 09-01-2009, 12:39 PM

The blindness only heightens her underlying feelings and makes them seem irrational.

dhoward · dhoward's Garage

+1 Tabs.

M.D. Holloway · 09-01-2009, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deanp

It sounds like there were some pretty heavy-duty underlying issues in the relationship that weren't being addressed to begin with and the loss of eyesight coupled with feeling like she's being left out and the understandable initial self pity have made the situation that much worse.

Threatening to leave (multiple times), asking if you really think her family will side with you or their 'blind daughter' and telling you she hates you certainly make it seem like she has already checked out and doesn't want to do the work or doesn't feel it's worth the work.

How much of the 12 years has consisted of snide comments, negativity and comments like wishing you dead on the operating table have you endured?

A bunch. I have always maintained that a relationship is not 50/50. One side always loves the other more. I always knew I loved her more and that love was unconditional - that was never the case with her. I guess over the years I became immune and calused (sp) to it all. What do the pop-psych folks say 'enabling'?

M.D. Holloway · 09-01-2009, 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by madmmac

Mike, her life's previous dreams, goals and aspirations are disappearing while her vision is dwindling. What was once her life as a mother, wife, daughter, as she knew and experienced it, is rapidly going away. She is losing her independence, control, power, and just normal duties through no fault of her own.

Any personal faults that she may have had prior are only now being exaggerated at this time due to the situation she is now in.

Her mind and hearing are in overdrive. Her head is in chaos at this time. Over analyzing, preoccupied with with minute and mundane things. Churning them over and over again in her minds eye. Her minds eye is the only vision that she has left.

Many of the things that she once had, did, or aspired to do or be, are now gone as the darkness envelops her.

She can feel your touch and the force with which it is given. Simple footsteps, whether stomped loudly or tread softly will be analyzed and interpreted by her minds eye. She can't see your smile, the gleam in your eye or the pride you have for her. You will have to voice those.

She can hear your voice and the inflections in it. She is more a tuned to it now and will become even more aware as her darkness progresses.

It is going to be tough.

There are two things that only you have total control of, that is your perception and attitude towards anything and everything. Those two are yours and yours only.

Hold her, talk to her in a calm, soothing voice. Reassure her. Give her massages. Treat her like you did when you first fell in love with her. That person is still there, you just can't see her right now.

I wish your family the strength, wisdom and love that it will take to get through these times.

so true, she can pick up on the smallest of differences that we all have when we lie or are mad or how ever we are feeling. We do give off all sorts of sub-signals that go beyond the visual. I will keep that in mind.

M.D. Holloway · 09-01-2009, 01:06 PM

This morning we talked on the phone - I always call the kids before they get on the bus regardless were I am. Anyways she starts in on why I didn't pick up my phone last night at 11:00 my time 10:00 Texas time. "I was out with some customers and I didn't feel my phone ring". So she starts in about what if their was an emergency or this that and the other thing. I just keep saying "Li, Li Li" (thats what I call her - short for Lisa), she says out loud so the kids can hear "Yup, Daddys yelling at Mommy again!" Yelling at her?!? "Lisa thats a freaking lie I can't beleive you!" I can hear our little girl in the background say something like "You guys aren't spose to do that!" "Lisa, please put her on the phone!" I said. "Mommy is just kidding guys, Daddy wasn't yelling..." She says to them.

WTF is wrong with you? I'm thinking. What a heck of a thing to do to the kids especially first thing in the morning!

I was able to talk to the kids and they understood that Mommy and Daddy wern't yelling at each other but Jeezus Cwist!

tabs · 09-01-2009, 01:58 PM

[QUOTE=LubeMaster77;4871209] she can pick up on the smallest of differences that we all have when we lie or are mad or how ever we are feeling. We do give off all sorts of sub-signals that go beyond the visual. QUOTE]

Wow U do understand what TABS does.

M.D. Holloway · 09-01-2009, 02:38 PM

hit the buffs on a regular basis...jk

911boost · 911boost's Garage

I travel a lot like you Mike, so I know how hard it can be sometimes communicating with my wife. I can only imagine how communicating with someone losing their sight would be tough. I think it would be like texting or emailing, she can't see your smile, or read your body language to know if you are joking etc.

Hang in there.

M.D. Holloway · 09-01-2009, 02:53 PM

She just called and had a melt down because I took the GPS and her Mom is taking our Son to football practice tonight and doesn't know how to get there.

"relax, it's cool, he knows the way."

"thats a lot of pressure to put on a 10 yr old! Your always thinking of yourself! Didn't you once think that just maybe some else might need to use the GPS to drive the kids?"

"No problem, I will call her cell and walk her through the directiosn. Whats her cell?"

"You know it, you called her to come down, and sorry to pull you out of the bar!"

"Bar? what the heck are you talking about? Can you please try to be nice? Really. This sort of shyt is just plain unacceptable. The problem is easily solved."

"Can I go now, Emma needs to eat before her soccer practice."

"Who the heck is keeping you? Go, go feed her."

"blah blah blah blah"

"Goodbye Li, go feed Emmy, goodbye." and I hung up.

Really! JF'nC!!!

so I called her Mom and guided them in - no problem.

Time to self medicate with a scotch or two????

Scooter · 09-01-2009, 03:10 PM

Or three??? And a cigar???

Mike, I've been reading about your problems the last couple of days (don't know how I missed this thread) and I really don't even know what to say. Just hang in there brother.

You know I live in Austin now, let's try to get together sometime soon. I get up your way every once in a while.

M.D. Holloway · 09-01-2009, 04:40 PM

OK, so maybe I don't get lit the way some guys do but I over indulge when stressed, but I over indulge on...

plus a few Drams...

Gogar · 09-01-2009, 04:55 PM

You are getting abused in a big way, Mike. I'm sorry.

I'm no relationship expert, but I tried the same thing with a girl (sans blindness) for 4 years. With a 5 and 8 year old, and each child's respective father. The stories are EXACTLY the same. Here come the adultery accusations. I'm so sorry.

M.D. Holloway · 05:22 PM

Yup, she accused me of that as well. I laughed and said I would love to be able to even get a chub but I have grown too cynical that it would be close to impossible but I sure do like the idea that you think I would actually be interesting to a female. Thats a compliment in my book! She didn't seem to have a response to that.

pwd72s · 09-01-2009, 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

OK, so maybe I don't get lit the way some guys do but I over indulge when stressed, but I over indulge on...

plus a few Drams...

Watch your blood sugar, Mike...all I see there is carbs. Seriously, you don't need diabetes on top of your other problems!

M.D. Holloway · 09-01-2009, 05:38 PM

didn't do the fries...

pwd72s · 09-01-2009, 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

didn't do the fries...

That's good...stick to yer meat & veggies...that'll help offset the liquid carbs...

jhynesrockmtn · 09-02-2009, 06:14 AM

Quote:

A bunch. I have always maintained that a relationship is not 50/50. One side always loves the other more. I always knew I loved her more and that love was unconditional - that was never the case with her. I guess over the years I became immune and calused (sp) to it all.

That says a lot right there. I assume from this things were not good prior to the blindness? I was married for over 20 years in a similar situation. No verbal abuse, just lack of any real feelings. Found out at the end that she'd known since very early on she didn't love me the way I loved her. I put up with our situation way longer than I should have. Luckily my kids were older and she's a good Mom to them. She finally "let me go" when she was honest with herself about the situation. I really don't know what I'd do in your situation other than get the help that's been suggested for you to better cope, deal with, understand your situation and the impact on you and the kids.