Dysfunctional Family advice needed

[ODDJOB UNO]

the bottom line to ANY DYSFUNCTION.......................YOU CANT CONTROL IT! no matter how hard ya try,no matter how much you care.


others DYSFUNCTION can kill you. you become CO-DEPENDENT!



and as the TOUGHEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE..............is WALK AWAY!

[m21sniper]

The thing that amuses me most about dysfunctional families is how everyone in the family thinks it's everyone but THEM that is dysfunctional.

I would ask myself why no one tells me about get togethers...

[Geronimo '74]

Originally Posted by m21sniper

The thing that amuses me most about dysfunctional families is how everyone in the family thinks it's everyone but THEM that is dysfunctional.

Also a good point!

Originally Posted by m21sniper

I would ask myself why no one tells me about get togethers...

I thought that was obvious....

[wreckersteve]

I cant beleive this hasnt been brought up. We need pictures of stepmom and sister for us to help fully.

[Bill Douglas]

You got off lightly in life.

Relax and enjoy it.

[LWJ]

Good answers. Thank you. As for Sniper - it really isn't us. Wife's Brother is skipped even more than we are. As for Dueller, no. FIL is a very successful lawyer and Step MIL is your classic stay at home and decorate / volunteer / take art lessons sort of wife.

I really liked that idea that my anger was fueling the fire. It probably is. My wife is usually very ok with how things work until a holiday or event comes around. Then it only serves to make her feel bad. I am going to show her your responses tonight and we will laugh about the picture requests, etc.

Thank you. I appreciate being able to dump a difficult question and get so many responses. It is good to clear my head.

Larry

[Superman]

When someone demonstrates they don't want to be your friend, the appropriate response is to resume your life and forget they exist.

[legion]

[Dixie]

You already have a family.


Your wife

[nostatic]

Good gawd - imho you are getting wound up about penny-ante BS. They don't tell you when they're going to Europe? Who gives a flying rat's arse. Are you their parent?

Count yourself lucky that they aren't running up your credit card bills or committing felonies. As for "helping out," why do you expect that? I got zip from my parents wrt childcare, mostly because they were in a different town and too old/busy to do it. My dad and mom, then dad and step mom *never* watched my son, and I never asked/expected them to.

Live your own life. Get off of facebook and quit minding everyone else's business. "Family" frankly means little to me. I go by actions not relationshiops. Many of my friends are my de facto "family." Blood is only thick when it coagulates and the stains are hard to remove.

[McLovin]

wow, that's some uncharacteristic edginess from teh 'static!

but he's right. your complaint post comes across as a bit of a whiny b8tch. Your situation isn't that uncommon. When a man remarries, his kids often get the shaft. B/c the stepmom is in control of the social stuff, and to a stepmom the adult kids are basically strangers. Actually, they are worse then strangers, b/c they have a claim on her husband that strangers don't have.

The Dad often goes along with it, b/c its the stepmom he sees every day when he wakes up. He's just trying to keep the peace in his current immediate household.

you've already gotten good advice - you can't change people, you and your own wife have your own family, just deal with it. As 'static points out, it could be a lot worse. If your Dad/stepmom aren't interfering with/disrupting/making miserable your life, you are ahead of the game.

[johnco]

the way I dealt with my family is I asked myself whether I am more miserable with them or without them in my life.. my answer?
there are times I do miss them a bit

[DanielDudley]

Originally Posted by ODDJOB UNO

the bottom line to ANY DYSFUNCTION.......................YOU CANT CONTROL IT! no matter how hard ya try,no matter how much you care.

you become CO-DEPENDENT!


TOUGHEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE..............is WALK AWAY!

It gets easier.

Leave it alone, stay out of it, and accept them for who they are without expecting anything.

Make your own plans for holidays, etc. and don't sit around waiting. Granting being and expecting nothing will change your life.

Get a book on codependance and read it.

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by McLovin

The Dad often goes along with it, b/c its the stepmom he sees every day when he wakes up. He's just trying to keep the peace in his current immediate household.

And the reality is that the dad realizes that he's not going to live forever, and likely has a terrible fear of being/dying alone. If a woman (ie new wife) is willing to live with him, he'll give up *a lot* for that prospect of companionship.

The kids become second fiddle when mortality is in play. Odds are at some point he'll come around down the road. Or not. Either way, you can make it your problem and swim around in your own sturm and drang, or you can just focus on your own life.

[jyl]

Okay guys, I think he gets it.

[m21sniper]

That's never stopped us before.

[Hugh R]

My 81 y/o MIL lives with us. One son does help with her finances (grudgingly) we don't want to have crap to do with her finances because when she dies we'd be accused of stealing her money, what little there is. The other 3 kids don't do crap for her, don't visit, etc. I'd like to call them and say you don't do an effing thing for your Mom, but I shine it on. They don't call, visit nothing.

Shine it on, you're a better person.

[LWJ]

Got it. I was pretty angry when I wrote this originally so maybe I got a little whiney. Bottom line is I am pretty defensive of my wife. This hurts her. She is pretty much perfect (I am nowhere near). I did learn alot here. Thank you. I do realize that on the grand scheme of things this is minor. In the family we do have some far more messed up situations but I am capable of handling those. I think it is the "mixed message" that is difficult. When the in-laws say how much they want to be a part of our lives but the behaviour is 180 degees from that, it messes with your head. Thank you for the insights.

Larry

[grudk]

My 2 cents: Nothing will change long standing family dysfunction, ever... and engaging only fuels the fire.

Accept it, or walk away from it. The latter is usually less costly from an emotional perspective

[nostatic]

words - actions

which of the two do you believe?

expectations are a killer. I try to have as few as possible, especially when "family" is involved.