Need Some Advice, Moral/Relationship:

[speeder]

I have a feeling that I'm going to get some really varied opinions on this, maybe not. I need advice from my Pelican bros. on a man code issue.

What is your rule for dating friend's exes? Here is mine, before getting into the actual story: If it's the ex of a close friend, no way should you do it. I suppose there may be exceptions, but I hold firm on that one. And believe me, the opportunities are there. If it is the ex of a friend who is not a close friend, it depends on how recently they were together and other factors. If it was years ago and they have both moved on a long time ago, I see no issue. If it's a mere acquaintance, I'd probably not hesitate but I certainly would not rub it in his face. (Try to keep it quiet until you know if it's going to be serious or lasting).

It also goes to another level if it was someone's wife, as opposed to just his GF. And how long they were together, are there any kids, etc... The obvious answer is that there are plenty of fish in the sea, why date in that small of a pool. But when you are my age and have lived in the same city for 30 years, it seems like a large percentage of the attractive divorced women I know and would be interested in were with someone I know in the past.

I can also answer my own question with the old *gut check*, i.e. does it feel wrong or sketchy? Here is the deal: a woman has come into my life, through facebook of course, She was married to a friend of mine for a while but they divorced maybe 10 years ago. They have one child together. He is not a close friend, I had not seen him for years up until recently. Yes, as soon as I began talking to his ex, I run into the guy. Not a real close friend but a cool guy. Someone I like. Used to be in a band w/ some friends of mine. I told him that I had talked to her very recently but not much else. Honestly, there is not much else at this point. It's all in the "should I pursue this" planning stage.

He was cool and told me that they were still on OK terms. Ten or twelve years ago when the relationship ended, he was gutted. That much I'm pretty sure of.

So what would you do, assuming you had the opportunity? And yes, you guessed it--she's scorching hot. And no, I'm not posting any pictures.

[Zeke]

Are your questions serious? (Yes, a play of words from another thread.)

But honestly, 10 years? I think that sea is open for navigation and if the fish swim into your "finder," you go for the catch.

[speeder]

Serious, yet I sort of already know the answer. I do not feel wrong about going after her if she's available to me but I really err on the side of extreme caution in these man code deals. Golden Rule and all that.

Curious as to what certain others say.

[VINMAN]

Growing up, going out with a friends ex was always a major bro code violation. But its seems pretty acceptable with the younger geverations now.
I guess it really depends on your relationship with the guy. Is/was he a close friend, or just an aquaintance? Me personally, i couldnt go with a close friends ex. Whether wife or gf. I would just feel too awkward. But thats just me.

[Paul K]

Doesn't matter what etiquette, rules, morals or whatever dictate- what does your heart say? The issue (for me) is more about her having a kid than anything else.

However, I reserve my 'advanced' advice until you post pics...

[recycled sixtie]

Okay so her ex is a cool guy according to you. You seemed to like him as guys go so why is he an ex?
There must be a good reason. All that glistens is not gold. Don't be fooled by a woman's good looks. If it would cause conflict because you were dating his ex, move on. There are lots of other fish in the sea.

[KFC911]

If she's hot, I'd go out with my own ex (if the "gut check" is OK)

[sc_rufctr]

I had a GF about 10 years ago. That's 10 years!!! Recently her younger sister contacted me through a friend and we met up for a coffee.
She's hot for her age (42) and she has a lot going for her. We chatted and all seemed OK. BUT Afterwards I felt awkward. I can't put it any better than that.

Memories of her sister and other stuff. It just didn't feel right.

Go with your gut. Meet up with her and see how you feel. You won't know until you spend some time with her. Don't let the little man make decisions for you.
Also... If you decide to give it a go, stay away from her ex. Just be polite but don't hang out with him.

[HardDrive]

10 years is a long time. I think your free to fire.

[recycled sixtie]

To see how it feels to be the other person, try this. Would you object to your ex going out with a male acquaintance friend of yours? How does that feel to you?

[speeder]

Originally Posted by recycled sixtie

Okay so her ex is a cool guy according to you. You seemed to like him as guys go so why is he an ex?
There must be a good reason. All that glistens is not gold. Don't be fooled by a woman's good looks. If it would cause conflict because you were dating his ex, move on. There are lots of other fish in the sea.

The question of why they are no longer together is impossible to answer from my vantage point. I think that she definitely fell out of love with him, though, so your theory of her being *defective goods* and just good-looking doesn't fly.

And as for conflict, I'd drive off that bridge when I come to it. Like I said, I would never lose a real, close friend over a woman but he is two or more rings out of my close orbit. Actually, a closer friend went out with her only about a year ago but it was not a significant, lasting relationship and I have zero hesitation over that one.

Who knows? Maybe she's not all that great at the end of the day anyways. But I'd like to find out for myself, if you know what I mean.

[Icemaster]

10 years is a long time, and a lot of water has passed under that bridge. Be respectful as needed, but proceed.

Better than wondering 'what if...'

[nostatic]

How would you feel telling him you were dating her? If you have any reservation, then you have issues with it and shouldn't do it. Though I suppose Rick might let you hide her in his garage when he comes over for a beer

[VINMAN]

Denis, it comes down to what youre comfortable with. plain and simple.

[bell]

Go for it.........it's not like she/he is a long lost cousin lol

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by recycled sixtie

Okay so her ex is a cool guy according to you. You seemed to like him as guys go so why is he an ex?
There must be a good reason. All that glistens is not gold. Don't be fooled by a woman's good looks.

Everyone has issues and is screwed up to some degree. A successful relationship is merely where the two people either complement each others' screwed-up-edness or have figured out how to tolerate it.

[speeder]

Originally Posted by recycled sixtie

To see how it feels to be the other person, try this. Would you object to your ex going out with a male acquaintance friend of yours? How does that feel to you?

That's an excellent and legit question. The answer would depend on which of my exes, (some were a lot more significant than others), but the true answer is that I would feel weird if one of my close friends did it. If it was a peripheral friend, like I am to him, I might not like it but would accept it and not give it too much thought.

And I don't hang out with this guy at all. We're really not in the same circle. I can tell you this; when they broke up, a lot of his real close friends were whining about how they would like to make a move if only not for it being his ex. She's that attractive. Pretty cool, too.

[speeder]

Originally Posted by nostatic

Everyone has issues and is screwed up to some degree. A successful relationship is merely where the two people either complement each others' screwed-up-edness or have figured out how to tolerate it.

Very wise. And when they turn into country western songs, it's because their neuroses don't mix well. You make each other crazy.

[speeder]

Originally Posted by nostatic

How would you feel telling him you were dating her? If you have any reservation, then you have issues with it and shouldn't do it. Though I suppose Rick might let you hide her in his garage when he comes over for a beer

It would not be the easiest thing I've ever done but it's do-able. The thing is, I would want to wait until it becomes something before even going there. Who knows? I might not get to first base with her. But I definitely want to step up to the plate.

[Cajundaddy]

Does the ex own a gun? Is he a known hothead who shoots first and asks questions later? Gut check? Go for it.

Oh and pics now or BAN!!!