Have you ever willingly lived with your in-laws?

[ckelly78z]

I guess I don't buy the story she's giving you that they are coming to visit for an unspecified time when she isn't taking any time off and doesn't seem concerned about your feelings in the slightest. You have to wonder what her motive is for being illusive.

I think what may be more than likely happening, is a clever plot to get them here and settled, and then to apply for green cards to make this a permanent situation with no intentions of ever leaving your house. What policeman or government agency will help you evict them if they are family and have green cards.....none. Remember that possesion is 9/10ths of the law, and she and her parents might just be planning a (hostile ?) takeover.

[BlueSkyJaunte]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

Oh, I've told her many times already why I don't want them living with us. And I've done it nicely, in a calm tone and with a sense of concern for our marriage over my own personal sanity. She dismisses it out of hand, will not even pretend to consider it, doesn't try to tell me why my concerns are misguided, can only say her folks will "take walks" and, again, she even said she doesn't plan to take any time off from work while they're here. See what I'm working with?

You and your wife need to seek counseling, stat.

[Rick Lee]

Yes, I am very concerned that she seems to ignore my strong objections and continue with the plan. However, I have to think she really is having second thoughts because this discussion started in July and she still hasn't put her foot down or lifted a finger to get her folks visas behind my back. I would know this because she'd need to get into the gun safe for some documents.

Chinese folks don't just come out and say, "Ok, you were right" or "Let's compromise." Those ideas are totally alien to them. I mean they are unfathomable concepts. If I win this one, it will be in some form of her folks only being able to stay for a few weeks, not that that's what I said in the first place. But I'll be fine with that. If I can drag this out until June, they'll be so miserable here, I'll be home free in three weeks.

There is absolutely no legal way for her folks to live here for at least another 3-5 yrs. and only then if Mrs. Lee started the process like tomorrow. I'm not concerned about them staying past their visa, since I'd be out of the picture by that time and their breaking the law would also jeopardize Mrs. Lee's own green card. Again, she is not a citizen, so she needs to keep her nose a little cleaner than the rest of us do.

[Rick Lee]

Originally Posted by BlueSkyJaunte

You and your wife need to seek counseling, stat.

I have to wonder how that could possibly improve things, since the counselor would just about 99% be an American and non-Asian. There's really no middle ground here for me, since I would rather be divorced, broke and living under a bridge than with my in-laws. Can't see counseling changing that. And again, Chinese aren't the most introspective people in the world. I can't ever envision Mrs. Lee listening to a white person tell her she's less than perfect and taking it seriously. I get along with her because I have a sense of humor about it and genuinely find it funny (most of the time).

[Dottore]

If you are trying to nix your marriage by forcing a showdown between you and Mrs Lee, in which Mrs Lee must choose between her affections and loyalty for you and the affections and loyalty she has for her elderly parents — well you have set this up very cleverly.

If, on the other hand, maintaining the marriage is a priority for you, rent a home office for the period as someone suggested upthread, and acquiesce to the visit.

[Rick Lee]

Originally Posted by Dottore

If you are trying to nix your marriage by forcing a showdown between you and Mrs Lee, in which Mrs Lee must choose between her affections and loyalty for you and the affections and loyalty she has for her elderly parents — well you have set this up very cleverly.

If, on the other hand, maintaining the marriage is a priority for you, rent a home office for the period as someone suggested upthread, and acquiesce to the visit.

No, I am not trying to sabotage the marriage at all. BTW, her folks are not elderly - both under 60. Every marriage has a few red lines that shall not be crossed, which are probably the same for most of us. This happens to be one for me. Oh, and the respecting your other half's wishes to some extent, especially when it's a big one.

I can almost envision renting space to get myself out of the house, but only IF I know in advance how long that will last. I'm not made of money. At the moment, she just says "a few months," which I have to assume will mean six mos. If she can't give me a firm start/end date, then that pretty much says six mos. at minimum and she doesn't care about my having to rearrange my life for her folks to have a place to stay. That's not good.

[Rufblackbird]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

Oh, I've told her many times already why I don't want them living with us. And I've done it nicely, in a calm tone and with a sense of concern for our marriage over my own personal sanity. She dismisses it out of hand, will not even pretend to consider it, doesn't try to tell me why my concerns are misguided, can only say her folks will "take walks" and, again, she even said she doesn't plan to take any time off from work while they're here. See what I'm working with?

there's something not quite right about this...either she's so sure you're blowing it way out of proportion, or she's not telling you the whole story.

[mikesride]

Nope...couldn't do it either Rick. I work outside the house, 1 -2 nights per week out of town. The house is our sanctuary......A week or two max with my in laws and they are great folks. This would test my sanity to the point that would probably end my current relationship. Call me selfish, whatever....I signed up for a life partner not to have her family live with us. I would never put her in the reverse situation. Good luck to you man......I don't know what your going to have to do.

[enzo1]

[genrex]

[QUOTE] I am very concerned that she seems to ignore my strong objections and continue with the plan.

That's because your concerns do not factor into what she has in mind. The most worrisome part about this from the very beginning is that she has not told you any details at all... she answers your direct questions with vague replies that are designed to shut down communication and further inquiries. This is because she doesn't want to start telling lies and then get caught in her own web of lies. Much better to deliberately give you nonsense answers so you will give up and stop questioning her, and be compliant. But you are not being compliant. So now she is stuck, trying to figure out a new plan. Obviously her long-term plan involves bringing her parents here (for some secret reason). Your purpose was to help her achieve her long-term plan. Now? It's hard to interpret the tea leaves...

_

[McLovin]

I'll have to admit I was skeptical about the whole thing from the beginning (but I don't recall exactly why anymore), but also have to admit you have proven me wrong by making it work for quite a few years now.

Anyways, when you don't have kids together, marriage is just (semi) glorified dating. When you don't have kids or significant community property assets together, and it isn't some kind of statutory "long term marriage" under your state law, it's even less than glorified dating.

I think you have the right attitude and will see your way through this in a way that works best for you.

[Rick Lee]

Genrex, I am usually just as cynical and realistic as you are in that post. Nostatic wrote of Mainland Chinese women in another thread years ago, "They all have an agenda." I suppose that's true. But I don't think it's the case here. At least, it wasn't an agenda until very recently. Knowing her folks, I just can't see why they'd want to live here or why Mrs. Lee thinks they'd be happy here. We're not rich and cannot afford to support them (even if Mrs. Lee were to suddenly stop being a compulsive shopper).

I also don't think Mrs. Lee sought an American husband with any kind of agenda years ago, as she had just about no interaction with non-Chinese before we got together. In fact, her college in VA was a visa-factory for Chinese students. And why put up with all the language and cultural barriers for what could be decades before "springing the trap?" Seems to me, if she had really planned this long ago, she'd have sought out a Chinese husband already in the US and who has a lot more $$ than I do. Alas, she may just have married me out of love.

[GWN7]

Rick is Mrs. Lee a only child or the only daughter? Mabey it's a case of she misses her mom. As you have mentioned before she is a shopaholic (that's a sign of mental illness in it's own right). Mabey this is being cooked up by her mom and Mrs. Lee. It dosen't sound like the dad would want to go anywhere. Mabey he is being told that they will be visiting for a week or two. Dad has his buddies and majong. He's content. Is your MIL as content? Or is she the one pushing for the long stay. Learn more Chinese and phone the FIL and ask him what's up.

Chinese is easy to learn, Iuse it every time I go into the local resturant, #6, #22, 2-#36's and a #54

[bivenator]

Originally Posted by Dottore

If you are trying to nix your marriage by forcing a showdown between you and Mrs Lee, in which Mrs Lee must choose between her affections and loyalty for you and the affections and loyalty she has for her elderly parents — well you have set this up very cleverly.

If, on the other hand, maintaining the marriage is a priority for you, rent a home office for the period as someone suggested upthread, and acquiesce to the visit.

Conversely, you could say that it is Mrs. Lee that has created the showdown. Forcing Rick to break his boundry that he had established "for the good of the marriage" is a power play on her part.

Rick has done the right thing by setting the boundries and she is crushing them.

I may be jaded in my answers as I have seen boundries crossed in my own experiences.

[Jim Richards]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

Chinese folks don't just come out and say, "Ok, you were right" or "Let's compromise." Those ideas are totally alien to them. I mean they are unfathomable concepts.

BS.

[KNS]

Originally Posted by ckelly78z

I guess I don't buy the story she's giving you that they are coming to visit for an unspecified time when she isn't taking any time off and doesn't seem concerned about your feelings in the slightest. You have to wonder what her motive is for being illusive.

I think what may be more than likely happening, is a clever plot to get them here and settled, and then to apply for green cards to make this a permanent situation with no intentions of ever leaving your house. What policeman or government agency will help you evict them if they are family and have green cards.....none. Remember that possesion is 9/10ths of the law, and she and her parents might just be planning a (hostile ?) takeover.

I didn't want to say it but this what I've been thinking all along. Perhaps Mrs Lee hasn't thought it through completely.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Seems like being upfront and honest is really all that you can do. If you tell her that it is between her parents staying or you staying, that pretty much says it all. If she chooses her parents then that says a lot about your marriage or lack thereof.

[asphaltgambler]

Rick, so the synopsis of this is your wife wants her parents to visit, but really for the purpose of staying here and she is masking the real intent by promising that their stay is just a few months?

AND it sounds like her parents are not that thrilled about staying long-term / moving either??

[Rick Lee]

Originally Posted by asphaltgambler

Rick, so the synopsis of this is your wife wants her parents to visit, but really for the purpose of staying here and she is masking the real intent by promising that their stay is just a few months?

AND it sounds like her parents are not that thrilled about staying long-term / moving either??

I'm not sure. Even if they really only plan to stay for a few months, I think anything over three weeks is too much, especially given that Mrs. Lee doesn't plan to take any time off from work and is in total denial that they'll have something to do and I won't end up babysitting them at the expense of my work and sanity. Would anyone here even think of staying longer than that with relatives when the blood relative wasn't taking time off to be with you and the in-law works from home? Oh, and there's the language thing. And the transportation thing. Remember, we have a BMW Coupe, a 993 and my bike.

While I can't imagine how they'd be happy living here longterm over their relatively easy and comfortable life in China, I have to keep in mind that we don't think alike at all. And it's not like the MIL is gonna tell me the real lowdown. I haven't seen her in a year and Mrs. Lee does the translating between us for anything more than very basic conversations.

[asphaltgambler]

Fair enough.....................so can you figure out the root means why Mrs. Lee wants them at your house for so long with what looks like a permanent vacation for them?

It basically sounds like there's only one person in this whole scenario that wants the in-laws here for an extended time