Looking for some ideas - daughter refuses to do school work

[asphaltgambler]

Man, lots of thoughtful insight and deep personal experiences here...........

[myamoto1]

I'm definitely humbled by everyone's willingness to share their insights and especially their personal experiences. Overall, we are (and have been) taking the supportive and loving approach, all while setting some boundaries and expectations. We want to reduce as much of the "COVID stress" as possible, while still getting her to pass. That's really our only expectation - hand in enough assignments to pass.

I really like the mentor/tutor ideas and we will be perusing that approach along with seeing if she's willing to talk to a counselor.

[rattlsnak]

Why not boarding school? It worked for you...

[unclebilly]

Have you tried the motivational interviewer approach with her?

Sit her down and ask her why she hates school. Specifically, what doesn’t she like about it.

AGREE WITH HER POINTS.

Show some vulnerability, explain why you feel that school is important to you. Express how you felt at her age (find some common ground with her points).

Then ask her, what would need to change for her to go participate in getting and education.

Talk about the things that would need to change (these should address the points she made initially). Are these deal breakers? What is possible? What can’t give?

Figure out the path forward where both sides comprise.

It’s important that she has the psychological freedom to have this convo. Loose the parental balance of power. Bring in a councillor as a mediator if needed to initiate the conversation but don’t use them one on one with your daughter.

Don’t corner her with you and your wife having this convo with her, ONE of you needs to do it, whichever she is most comfortable with, with the least gradient of power. Making sure she has the psychological safety to have this convo is the most crucial first step in this process.

Anyway, that’s what I would try.

[rrental]

I feel there is an underlying reason why she doesn't want to go to school. Please listen to her and try to figure out what is bothering her. I wish I had done that earlier than I did.

We have been from hell and back with our daughter since kindergarten. We tried everything but could not understand what exactly was going on. She is a very intelligent girl but yet she didn't want to be in the classroom. With what I know now I should say she could not be in a classroom.

The only advise I can give is listen to her, and don't be afraid to seek outside help.

[rusnak]

Originally Posted by asphaltgambler

Man, lots of thoughtful insight and deep personal experiences here...........

And if that doesn't work, then get her a Tony Robbins DVD.

[Bill Douglas]

Or if it still doesn't work send here out on a working holiday to a New Zealand sheep farm.

She'll be back at school studying, focusing on exams to be as far away from that sheep farm as she can possibly be.

[unclebilly]

Originally Posted by rrental

I feel there is an underlying reason why she doesn't want to go to school. Please listen to her and try to figure out what is bothering her. I wish I had done that earlier than I did.

Totally agree.

At 15, there could be ‘boy problems’, ‘girl problems’, bullying, she might be lesbian and confused, perhaps something terrible has happened and she is too embarrassed to talk about it... you need to get (ask) her to open up so that you can understand. One tool could be the motivational interview. Regardless, to have any dialogue, you need to establish psychological safety for her so you (or your wife) can have this difficult convo. Bare in mind, you might not like what she has to say and you can’t get mad at her, you have to listen with an open mind and be sincere. Establishing that psychological safety may not happen over the course of a couple days...

[Fischer_76_911S]

Lots of great advice which goes to show you that there is no single answer that works for every kid. I personally hated HS and felt it was like prison wasting my time. Up until then I was a straight A student. My grades definitely slipped and I didn’t care. My parents tried everything, and I still didn’t care.

It wasn’t until I saw the college consular and he wrote down the schools I could possibly get into. I looked them up when I got home (pre-internet days) in a big book of college info and found that they were all “dismal” schools. I quick changed my tune, boosted all my grades, retook the SAT and ACT’s and succeeded from then on.

I have two kids, one was a breeze and sailed through life with nothing but A’s. Takes after her mom. My son, 17 now, is just as smart, if not smarter, and hates HS. We tried everything too. I even had police officer friends of mine talk to him. I finally declared that I was just “done,” and would no longer check his grades and homework, nor micro manage him. I did promise that he is now 100% in charge of his life and if he screws it up I would buy him a suitcase for his 18th birthday and he could pack his **** and leave.

I gave him a piece of paper, folded it long ways, and told him to write down where he sees himself in 5 years on one side, 10 years on the other. Told him to think about it overnight. I wanted job, housing, cars, toys, marriage status, etc. All of it.

The next day he handed it to me and thank God he didn’t write homeless crack addict. He had really insightful and meaningful answers. I was ecstatic. I then simply asked how was he going to get here?

He is now 17 in dual enrollment and will graduate HS with an associates degree at the local college. He is doing great and my wife and I are very proud. He loves college and only plays sports at his HS. He feels HS was just a waste of his time with a bunch of busy work.

Hope our answers are helping. Good luck. Parenting is very difficult at times but also very rewarding and worth every effort.

Lastly, tell your kids you love them several times a day and mean it. We’ve both have said how we don’t like their behavior at times, but always love them.

[techman1]

Two paths to follow:
Reading all the comments and thinking of the past, there seems to be two paths of thought:

Caustic- School is something she can't do. Peer pressure, harassment, learning or psychological challenges. the environment, for some reason is caustic to her.
Very difficult to address. No big thoughts on this, I think like others, need a professional.

Worthless- When a person gets to the age of independent thought, which is different for everyone, forcing them to do something they see / value as worthless is difficult. The quote from Fisher above "I gave him a piece of paper, folded it long ways, and told him to write down where he sees himself in..." is perfect.
Take her to see and experience things she has not yet seen. Go to a manufacturing plant, high end repair shop, programming lab, server room, offshore fishing boat, police department, talk to a lawyer. Find something she is interested in. Then give her the piece of paper, like suggested.

Then explain what school should really be.
It should be thought of as almost a "Language" course.
Any of the jobs you want to hold, you will need to "Communicate" and "Interact" with things, both animate and inanimate. (People and things).

Unfortunately, school is presented as something to "Get thru" and then start living life. She does not see the value of the need to "Get thru" this. Of no value to her.

If she does not see the value, she will not go.

[DWBOX2000]

Sorry, didn't read all of this. My suggestion would be a Psych Eval by a qualified doctor. 1st it can help you know what you are dealing with. 2nd, you will need that ammo if you need the school/town to help. Not cheap but worth the expense.

Good luck.

[Rusty Heap]

[Zeke]

Originally Posted by asphaltgambler

Man, lots of thoughtful insight and deep personal experiences here...........

And a lot of it is based on an on-the-fly method of actions.

The idea of a medical workup is valid. At least you'll know about the chemistry.

The idea about listening when SHE wants to talk is good as well. Otherwise I'd leave her to her own devices. Not all lives are peaches and cream. Some are just bitter.

As a stepdad I've been through much of this. A few game changers that I had nothing to do with and some that I did:

She was raped at 14. At firs it was consensual but obviously illegal. The boy was 21. He got his ass handed to him by me personally. I never called the police but I did tell his parents that I was in total control over the whole deal and if they even flinched I was going to pull out the ace.

Everyone was scared sihtless — everyone. And it worked. Call it blackmail if you wish.

Another situation involved me going to the school and having my daughter moved out of a real btich of a teacher's class. Again, my power to make things work for her benefit began to take shape and show. I get my way by first knowing whom I'm dealing with and what I can do to make their lives miserable.

Counseling did help but it takes the right counselor. We went through a few. Finally a private school that knew just how loose or tight to work the game. My hat's off to them for at least buying some time.

And finally, at age 18 it was bye bye. It was a mutual decision. She grew up pretty fast, got into college on her own, waiting tables for money, and obtained a teacher's credential. Her focus? Students with difficulties. She's good at it.

The main point is that along the way various people who I chose listened. That was the only criterium. She's been used and she has used people. Although not related by blood to me, we are a lot alike.

And to end this on a light note, she once went out on her own to buy a new car. She stayed at the dealer for 8 hours until she simply wore them out and got what she wanted. I love that story.

[Fast Freddy 944]

This is the main reason we need to open up these schools, parents are not really teachers, teachers are teachers are teachers. They are trained for that, not the parents...

[302340]

Sorry, popped up into my head while reading. ...





Lee

[myamoto1]

If I only had Matt Foley to talk to her about living in a van down by the river...

[rusnak]

Chris Farley (rip) was the actor's real name.

It's one of the best skits of all time, partially because it hits home. That's what humor does. I've used that picture many times.

[myamoto1]

Farley was one of the greats for sure. Matt Foley (motivational speaker) was the character he played on SNL, that lived in a van down by the river.

[Tervuren]

Originally Posted by techman1

Two paths to follow:
Reading all the comments and thinking of the past, there seems to be two paths of thought:

Caustic- School is something she can't do. Peer pressure, harassment, learning or psychological challenges. the environment, for some reason is caustic to her.
Very difficult to address. No big thoughts on this, I think like others, need a professional.

Worthless- When a person gets to the age of independent thought, which is different for everyone, forcing them to do something they see / value as worthless is difficult. The quote from Fisher above "I gave him a piece of paper, folded it long ways, and told him to write down where he sees himself in..." is perfect.
Take her to see and experience things she has not yet seen. Go to a manufacturing plant, high end repair shop, programming lab, server room, offshore fishing boat, police department, talk to a lawyer. Find something she is interested in. Then give her the piece of paper, like suggested.

Then explain what school should really be.
It should be thought of as almost a "Language" course.
Any of the jobs you want to hold, you will need to "Communicate" and "Interact" with things, both animate and inanimate. (People and things).

Unfortunately, school is presented as something to "Get thru" and then start living life. She does not see the value of the need to "Get thru" this. Of no value to her.

If she does not see the value, she will not go.

From my male perspective this is solid.

For my school took on new meaning when I realized I could use algebra to calculate a set of gear ratios to use in Grand Prix Legends for improving my lap times at a given track.

[myamoto1]

Originally Posted by Tervuren

From my male perspective this is solid.

For my school took on new meaning when I realized I could use algebra to calculate a set of gear ratios to use in Grand Prix Legends for improving my lap times at a given track.

It's a different world than we grew up in. Less than a minute of "Google time" rewarded me with a gear ratio calculator. No math required...

https://www.engineersedge.com/mechanics_machines/transmission-gear-ratio-calculator.htm

She's resourceful and knows how to find "cheats" to get the answer instead of doing the work. Her issue is why does she need to sit in class and do all of this work in a world where the answers are usually just an internet search away.