marriage advice?

[stevepaa]

Just had our 29th anniversary.
Only thing to add to all the good advice.

Always think of her as your bride.

Date her, court her for the rest of your life.

[Danimal16]

Originally posted by notfarnow
Geez... entertaining but kinda looks like a website for as##oles who married b##ches.

This website is more than likely guys who went through an extraordinarily bad divorce, are going through a divorce now or have a mate that lied to them. I am on the tail end of the initial stages of the wonderful experience of divorce.

I live in California, and if your area is a no-fault divorce zone do not discount the "test" of a pre-nup, and for anyone who says that there is no room for a pre-nup in marriage does not fully comprehend the flaws in no-fault divorce.

Divorce or Family law (or how I see it sometimes as anti-family), especially in no-fault states is brutal on honest people if the other party has secrets. The pre-nup can be viewed in a number of ways, but it is the focal point of disclosure and levels the playing field and provides insurance equally for both partners in assuring that one party is not taking the other for a ride. It can also be a test of commitment. There is no doubt that under the community property states such as California, the treatment of separate property by Family Law Courts has been cookie cutter for the past 30 years (there is however a change in the wind). If one party does not fully disclose their assets and denies the other the ability to make informed decisions as a result of the failure to disclose regarding his or her contribution to the community, the remedies available to correct a fiduciary breach are inadequate at best, very expensive and not within the status quo of current California family law. I am fully on board with either a pre-nup or at least the process of a pre-nup. This almost guarantees that both parties are clear on what they bring and what they expect from the relationship. There is a huge misconception as to the value of pre-nups that needs to be dispelled, especially for those who have assets, children and property. It is not a contingency plan for divorce, it is a disclosure document that if used as intended can set the stage for open discussions throughout the course of the marriage..

Why do I advocate this? Remember first and foremost that Pre-nups are not written in stone, there is what is called a post-nup as well, so don't discount the value of a pre-nup. Currently, as implemented by California Family Courts in dealing with separate property a party to a marriage who lies, deceives and manipulates the situation to hide and protect separate property and extort concessions from the more generous, honest and forthright partner (the virtuous partner) is rewarded for these lies. Although this is changing and breach of fiduciary responsibility is just now starting to come to the forefront, I would highly recommend a pre-nup in the interim as a viable alternative to “he- said, she-said” and to avoid misunderstandings and to be a means for an open and frank discussion of even the most sensitive issues.

How many folks go to pre-marriage counseling? I know my church required it. Just think of a pre-nup or even just the exercise of a pre-nup as part of that counseling. It is not a negative thing and it clearly has its purpose.

[MFAFF]

One tthing perhaps missed....no matter how often you court, buy presents, give, give, give or anything else... if you cannot make her laugh and have a good laugh and good fun (other than that) together you might find it all goes pear shaped..

You gotta be able to laugh at similar films, books, shows, enjoy the similar hobbies, activites and share what you are with her and be able to have her share what she is with you.

I got lucky with my better half, not married, nor do we plan to but we enjoy similar things.. yes she likes the old motor, she has one of her own, and lets me spend whatever I can afford on it, not what we can afford...it gives our son great pleasure to potter around with me messing with the car.. 'helping' me fix it..hell he even came to give a hand on an engine drop the other day...well he was in the paddling pool and garden while we were under the car.

I look after her car as well, so she knows that I'm not just pottering around doing my own thing, she 'benefits' from it as well.

Being with somebody, married or not is not difficult....its just hard work that with intelligence and good humour is the best thing ever....

[M.D. Holloway]

remeber this if nthingelse - you will fight over these three things:
1) Money - or lack there of
2) Sex - or lack there of
3) apprciation - or lack there of
If you can confront these before they become a problem you will have 65% of the population beat!

[notfarnow]

Hey Lubemaster... you mentioned in another thread that you'll be in NS mid august. The Micheline plant is in Bridgewater... a short drive to some of Nova Scotia's nicest spots: Lunenburg, Mahone Bay, Chester. Let me know if you want me to recommend any restaurants or places to stay.

[ChrisBennet]

Now if I told you the secret to a good marriage, it wouldn't be a secret now would it?

Qualifications: Not married - but not married to the same woman for 17+ years. EDIT: Also haven't had our first argument yet.

- If you can, keep your money separate. This only works if your mate has a decent income but it removes the guilt and resentment of one mate buying toys with the joint funds.

- I don't think that you can "make" your mate happy. You can keep them happy, make them happier (at least temporarily) or make them unhappy. Happiness is an internal thing - getting married won't "fix" an unhappy person. If they aren't happy without you, they aren't going to be happy with you.

- People think that having things in common is key but it doesn't have to be. About the only thing my mate an I have in common is that we are plug compatible and we watch some of the same TV shows. She does her thing and I do mine and we get along great. Mutual respect is more important IMO. (Though I do wonder what the mailman thinks when we get mail from PETA and the NRA.)

- Remember that your mate is your partner - not your mom, your cook or your cleaning lady. She may or may not have chosen the particular role for her that you have in mind. If you shared a cabin with one of your fishing buddies for a week would you expect him to clean up after you? Would you expect him to cook for you and then do the dishes? Don't assume anything when it comes to the division of labor.

-Chris

[Danimal16]

Originally posted by ChrisBennet
Now if I told you the secret to a good marriage, it wouldn't be a secret now would it?

Qualifications: Not married - but not married to the same woman for 17+ years. EDIT: Also haven't had our first argument yet.

- If you can, keep your money separate. This only works if your mate has a decent income but it removes the guilt and resentment of one mate buying toys with the joint funds.

- I don't think that you can "make" your mate happy. You can keep them happy, make them happier (at least temporarily) or make them unhappy. Happiness is an internal thing - getting married won't "fix" an unhappy person. If they aren't happy without you, they aren't going to be happy with you.

- People think that having things in common is key but it doesn't have to be. About the only thing my mate an I have in common is that we are plug compatible and we watch some of the same TV shows. She does her thing and I do mine and we get along great. Mutual respect is more important IMO. (Though I do wonder what the mailman thinks when we get mail from PETA and the NRA.)

- Remember that your mate is your partner - not your mom, your cook or your cleaning lady. She may or may not have chosen the particular role for her that you have in mind. If you shared a cabin with one of your fishing buddies for a week would you expect him to clean up after you? Would you expect him to cook for you and then do the dishes? Don't assume anything when it comes to the division of labor.

-Chris

Respect is key. Happiness is a personal Choice. Chris, you are right you can't make them happy, but you can make them unhappy. And Also, she can make herself unhappy!

Another thing is what you do and what she does with the advice that we give each other. Listen to it, consider it and if it makes sense use it, but make sure you can explain why you did not use it if you don't. Sounds weird, but if your mate asks for your advice and than just disregards it you may want to think about what level of respect she has for you. It is just like your buddies.

Dan

[M.D. Holloway]

Originally posted by notfarnow
Hey Lubemaster... you mentioned in another thread that you'll be in NS mid august. The Micheline plant is in Bridgewater... a short drive to some of Nova Scotia's nicest spots: Lunenburg, Mahone Bay, Chester. Let me know if you want me to recommend any restaurants or places to stay.

we will have to get together. Not sure exactley where yet but I will keep you posted.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Take everything on yourself. If you have plans to go out, and she doesn't feel like it, tell your friends that YOU don't feel like it.

Share everything. It's a team effort, and there's no I in team.

Humor her. No doubt 99% of the wives of Pelican members wish their husbands had never heard of a Porsche, and yet they tolerate it. She may have stupid ***** she's into too, deal with it.

EXPECT to not get sex, but never quit trying. You are not entitled to it, if you could plot my sex life it would look like a sine curve, sometimes you're at the peak, sometimes you're at the trough.

My other faves from this great thread, communication, never go to bed angry, don't take what you have for granted, always try to look at her the way you did the first time you met her, and don't go to bed angry. If necessary, fight naked, you forget pretty quickly what you were mad about.

Pre-nup thoughts on my part, to me it's a preperation for a potential future divorce, and if you're already planning for divorce before you're married, it's a setup for failure. If you aren't sure if you can make it, YOU SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED! Something 50% of the country hasn't picked up on yet. I can't remember what movie it was in, but the line "where there is doubt, there is no doubt" suits marriage well.

We've only been married three years, but Andrea and I are building the life I've always dreamed about together. It's often hard, but always rewarding. We have a 15mo. old little boy, and are planning for more. Marry the right person, and live your life together with no regrets. Congrats!

[Danimal16]

Originally posted by onewhippedpuppy

Pre-nup thoughts on my part, to me it's a preperation for a potential future divorce, and if you're already planning for divorce before you're married, it's a setup for failure. If you aren't sure if you can make it, YOU SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED! Something 50% of the country hasn't picked up on yet. I can't remember what movie it was in, but the line "where there is doubt, there is no doubt" suits marriage well.

We've only been married three years, but Andrea and I are building the life I've always dreamed about together. It's often hard, but always rewarding. We have a 15mo. old little boy, and are planning for more. Marry the right person, and live your life together with no regrets. Congrats!

Onewhipped,

As you have stated, there is an awesome amount of great advice, but I would not discount the pre-nup, especially for second timers or those that have accumulated wealth. Although there is no doubt that marriage works and IMHO the backbone of our society, there are some dangers lurking out there that the uninitiated may not understand. Don’t discount the pre-nup or at least the topics normally contained in a pre-nup. Going over the checklist normally associated with this process, even if you don’t enter into one, is really an outline of the sensitive topics that can ruin a marriage. It gets things out in the open, it makes the couple look real hard on what they are about to embark on.

There is an old Rule of the Murph that states to prepare for the worst and expect the best and you will never be disappointed. The Pre-nup is the formal process of going through what every soon-to-be married couple should be discussing anyway. Mind you it does not have to be formal. But the topics must be addressed.

Love is an intoxicant, especially love that has a strong infatuation component. When your intoxicated you are not at your best logical self and there are dangers out there if you do not prepare yourself. There are wicked people out there who know how to manipulate the law and you to protect themselves and expose you to all the risk. It is a small percentage of the population, but they are out there.

There are a lot of folks in this thread who have good, great and exceptional marriages and they have provided a lot of superb advice. However, there are those exceptional folks that some of us run into that are not normal and if you ever run into one, you will know what I mean. I have finally gotten over the feeling like a dumb-a$$ for being sucked in and quite frankly I still strongly believe in marriage. But I am a bit cautious after this experience.

[onewhippedpuppy]

I agree with the communication aspect of what you're saying Dan, if you and your significant other haven't already discussed every potential problem within your marriage, and how you will deal with it, you shouldn't get married. Luckily the marriage prep classes that we had to go through to get married within the Catholic Church were designed with this in mind, and while it didn't force us to cover any new territory (we are both very big on communication), I think it did raise some eyebrows with other couples there. Regardless of whether you get married in a church or not, talking about any and all potential problems, and just about the ways you like to do things, is essential before marriage. It always amazes me when you talk to an engaged couple, and ask them a simple question such as "do you want to have kids?", and they reply that they haven't discussed it yet. Doomed from the beginning........

[Danimal16]

Originally posted by onewhippedpuppy
I agree with the communication aspect of what you're saying Dan, if you and your significant other haven't already discussed every potential problem within your marriage, and how you will deal with it, you shouldn't get married. Luckily the marriage prep classes that we had to go through to get married within the Catholic Church were designed with this in mind, and while it didn't force us to cover any new territory (we are both very big on communication), I think it did raise some eyebrows with other couples there. Regardless of whether you get married in a church or not, talking about any and all potential problems, and just about the ways you like to do things, is essential before marriage. It always amazes me when you talk to an engaged couple, and ask them a simple question such as "do you want to have kids?", and they reply that they haven't discussed it yet. Doomed from the beginning........

Matt,

You are right on the mark. In my unfortunate case, she lied. Very sad, but what can you do? Pretty much nothing. I believe that my case is more of an extreme exception than the rule. But it has been a real eye opener and the tough questions MUST be addressed or as you say, Doomed from the beginning. First problem and BOOM, gone.

Dan

[onewhippedpuppy]

Dan, that sucks. In that case, what can you do? All the communication in the world is pointless if one person is lying. Just like everything else worthwhile in life, love is a risk, you let the bad in with the good. What's most important now is to move past her, and don't let one bad person taint every relationship for the rest of her life. No doubt that's far easier for me to say than you to do, but don't let her lies of the past ruin any chance you have at true happiness in the future.

[ronin]

one word...







RUN