PPOT Father/Husbands- Did you want to have get married/have kids?

[BlueSkyJaunte]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

What of mine will I have to sacrifice to make it work? What will I lose that I don't want to? What am I going to miss out on by having to tend to kids?

I had thoughts like this before we decided to go for it and had our first. None of it really mattered anymore when he was born. Frankly the only major regret I have now that our third was just born is that we probably won't be up for a fourth--this last pregnancy was really hard (physically) on my wife.

For me, anyway, having kids is greater reward than the "freedom" I had in my youth.

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by Don Ro

I didn't mean re: your life. But for your present position in life.

I see.

Yes, that could probably be helpful.

On the other hand, it would probably do a terrific job of pointing out how narcissistic and selfish I am.

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

I see.

Yes, that could probably be helpful.

On the other hand, it would probably do a terrific job of pointing out how narcissistic and selfish I am.

Dude! You're in your twenties...relax!
Your only issue, as I see it, is that you're in love with a woman who's putting you up against yourself. The relationship that you have with yourself right now...as you are in your life...right now. This is not a matter of self-judgment and evaluation.
That's the issue, as I see it.
Give yourself permission to want what you want - at this point in life.
However, if you don't want to part with her, then you have to decide what's next for you. And that means ..._____, fill in the blank.

[look 171]

I was th e opposite. I like the idea of marriage, kids, and family. Family is huge to me. of course I didn't wish I was marred with kids in my 20s. We wanted to enjoy ourselves traveling, goofing off and who knows what? My girlfriend then, didn't want anything to do with kids. Part of our plan was to be financially stable so when the family can enjoy ourselves. Finally, we got married in our mid 30 and kids came a few years later. Financially stability has a lot to do with the kid decision. It did for us, so we worked like hell for it.

[MongooseGA]

Originally Posted by look 171

I was th e opposite. I like the idea of marriage, kids, and family. Family is huge to me. of course I didn't wish I was marred with kids in my 20s. We wanted to enjoy ourselves traveling, goofing off and who knows what? My girlfriend then, didn't want anything to do with kids. Part of our plan was to be financially stable so when the family can enjoy ourselves. Finally, we got married in our mid 30 and kids came a few years later. Financially stability has a lot to do with the kid decision. It did for us, so we worked like hell for it.

Finances are a HUGE concern of mine on this topic. People always tell me "don't worry, you always find a way to make the money work when you have kids".

My problem is that many times that includes selling off your toys, hobbies, passions. I bought an vintage 911 because I wanted it. I don't want to have to sell it. Same goes for the bikes, guns, etc...

[Don Ro]

MongooseGA, when I was your age - and even twenty years older, I did not want the obligation. I really didn't see it as being selfish and/or narcissistic. I just didn't want the life change.
.
Does that explanation work for you?
.
Edit: And by doing what I did I was being responsible to myself. If I had done otherwise, I would have been irresponsible.
And I didn't want to involve another human in that irresponsibility.

[look 171]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

Thanks everyone for the words.

I've found the typical parenthood chores very unappealing. Kids' parties, driving to and from events/school, paying for everything, etc...

This is probably a huge point, but my dad was a dick most of my life until I came of age that I started to say things like "ya know, you were right". We get along really well now, but I was always taught by him that wives and children require significant resources that could otherwise be put to things you wanted. I think that's where a lot of my mentality comes from.

Looking back on it now, it's a pretty ****ty thing to teach your child.

I worry like just about everyone else- will there be enough money? What of mine will I have to sacrifice to make it work? What will I lose that I don't want to? What am I going to miss out on by having to tend to kids?

Scary thoughts, especially for a young man who is free to do whatever he wants whenever the mood strikes.

No, you dad is correct. My father gave up so much for us. So damn much, I wish I can somehow pay him back but no amount will make up for that lost. Now, the grand kids, my boys, are so good to him. That smile from all of them when they used to roll around on the floor laughing really made my day.

Sacrifice what? How much of that freedom do you really want (ah... you old bastards, don't answer that). Remember the first year of college, drinking until you throw up all over yourself was fun. By the end of college, you could not get me near those damn punks. Been there done that, so the transition is a seamless one. having kids was the same for me. Hanging out just wasn't that importing anymore. Going home helping out with bathing that fat little guy was way more fun. Holding him in my arms while they fall asleep is amazing. I want more of those days and they go by just like that. At 6 and 8, I got them for a few more years.

Remember, you are in your 20s, so go and have fun and enjoy yourselves. Keep that kids in back of your mine, it just might change when all that fun becomes dull. Son't be that guy. You know the only old dude with balding long hair screaming in the bar with a bunch young guy 15-20 years younger. You know where are the guys his age is doing? Changing diapers or helping with homework.

[aigel]

I would give this til you're at least in your early 30s and re-assess. They say women have an inner clock, but I do think men do as well. Right now you have plenty of buddies that are "free" too that you can hang out with and everyone is about enjoying themselves individually. That will change in the next few years as most people will start a family.

What will also change is your income. Generally it goes up with age, meaning you get to keep your toys and still have money to raise a family. That's of course if the GF is tolerant and doesn't start pushing you away from your toys and hobbies. Also, this does assume that you don't expect to continually extend your toy collection proportional to your income.

As far as being able to stand kids - it is a bit like farts - other people's always stink much worse than your own. There is a strong instinct to love your kids - it is the most amazing thing to the parents - not so much to bystanders.

I can count the number of kids birthdays on one hand that I have been to in my life. Even my own kids birthday parties, those when they have their friends over, I don't attend most the time. I go seek the woods or some other thing I enjoy away from home. Nothing is worse than hanging out with a bunch of parents you have never met before in your life and do small talk around a horde of screaming kids.

Of course you don't want your GF be there in her mid 30s holding the bag, but it probably will take a few years for her to find a new guy that she's comfortable with raising a family, even if she breaks up with you now, so she can give you a few years to grow up and re-evaluate. I would definitely hold on to her if she's willing to risk it. It is not easy at all to find a good girl, IMHO.

G

[look 171]

Originally Posted by MongooseGA

Finances are a HUGE concern of mine on this topic. People always tell me "don't worry, you always find a way to make the money work when you have kids".

My problem is that many times that includes selling off your toys, hobbies, passions. I bought an vintage 911 because I wanted it. I don't want to have to sell it. Same goes for the bikes, guns, etc...

By reading that, I think you are going to do fine. Lots of people just want to have kids and be alright. Well, you are correct, no it isn't gonna to be "alright". it takes work and discipline to save and make the right decisions. Your thinking about your finances means you have a good head on your shoulders. You don't have to sell the 911, if you do, it will be worth big money, so that means doing something good for your family. it takes a real man to do that. My doctor always said this to me, a real man is not only there to protect his family, but he's there to provide and that's much more difficult to do then to protect.

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by aigel

It is not easy at all to find a good girl, IMHO.

Amen!
And when you do...and you're ready...

[mikester]

It took me a while to start liking other people's kids. I still don't dig all of them and am pretty picky.

Either you're kid's got to be really freaking fun or you do and if you got a screamer...well, get a sitter. Mine are crazy and when you invite me to your house for a party - I'm pretty likely to get a sitter if it is late in the day.

Mine.

Are.

Insane.

Money will be an issue no matter how much you have. I make good money and live in a decent neighborhood, I have struggled. I have sold Porsches not because I had to but because I wasn't spending the time with it. When it was time to get another one though my wife didn't even question it. I spend way too much money on RC airplanes and cars. I spend too much money on sports stuff but all of that gets used with my boys so...yeah - I get to do that. I coach them in baseball, soccer, hockey and I lead their Cub Scout dens. I meet a lot of kids - mine aren't bad.

If you're going to do it, do it with the right girl.

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by mikester

I meet a lot of kids - mine aren't bad.

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by Rusty Heap

I chose no kids, but no one to take care of me later in life.

There's a remedy for that. Find a good woman who is willing to make an agreement with you that no matter who goes first the other will be there.
When you're lying on your death bed, scared down to your shadow with the heebie jeebies, spittin' out your blood, you'll have someone to hold your hand.
Can't imagine anything worse in this life than to die alone...and it needn't be that way.

[ForBell]

Don, you're too much!
next time you're planning a trip to ca let me know. you've got my info.

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by forbell

don, you're too much!
next time you're planning a trip to ca let me know. you've got my info.

Will do.

[ledhedsymbols]

I'll be thirty-five in a couple of months. I met my wife in my mid-twenties. We dated for a couple of years and got married. She always wanted kids, and I made it clear from the outset that I didn't. After we were married a couple of years, and we were both staring hard at 30 she started to get antsy. I mean full-on psycho hose-beast about it. We have never argued and fought much, but we had the only fight during which I left the house over this. It was THAT bad for a few months. I thought about it for a good long while, and I decided that I loved my wife very much. I wanted to have a life-long relationship with her. I knew that this was a serious thing for her, and if I wanted to have that with her I had to figure this out. I decided that if this was something that was that important to her, then it was something that I was willing to try.

Granted, the thing about kids is that you can't just change your mind after a couple of years. All I can do, is tell you my experience. My two girls are now five and two. It's not perfect, and there are times where I have pulled my hair out and wondered why I ever agreed to not one, but TWO kids. As they have gotten older, it gets better and better. I can't actually put into words what they mean to me. I can't really explain to you the meaning and purpose it gives all the major decision in my life. It is an awesome responsibility, but by the same turn it has truly epic and awesome rewards. There is no better feeling in the world than when my little girl looks up at me and I wraps their little arms around me and says "I'm never going to let go, I love you daddy." At this point in my life, I feel like THAT is the measure of a man. How does he treat his family? Do his wife and kids adore him? That's how I know I'm doing it right.

[DanielDudley]

You might as well say good bye now. Women don't kid around when it comes to children.

[Outback Porsche]

Marriage was a good idea, regular putting in the one hole golf course till the jelly beans ran out. Kids was a natural progression I suppose. Although I don't remember it, she must of rolled in the wet spot after I had a bat one night. Then she did it to me again a second time.

That's when I started sleeping with one eye open.






Seriously though, wouldn't have missed it for quids. Kids are challenging but also 5hitloads of fun. Decided to let the missus hang around for last 29 years, but I still sleep with one eye open.

[berettafan]

Know a couple who will flat out say 'we goofed in having kids. isn't for us.' So it can happen. Not everyone has kids and says 'oh I see what is so great about it!'.


I was indifferent about kids. figured I was supposed to do it but wasn't planning it.

Then I held my boy for the first time. Most profound experience I have ever had and that includes laying in the ER feeling my heart stop twice.

Last night my son had a soccer game and it was a heck of a close game. So damn exciting.

Couple days ago I'm asking my 4yr old daughter to get buckled and she says 'daddy I can't find the buckle for crap sake!'

I know it's common to refer to kids as a sacrifice but I am getting back WAAAAY more than I will ever give up.

[Bugsinrugs]

Could never see myself having children.....now I can't imagine life without them.