It's my Mom

[Rot 911]

I've been watching my mother go through the "long goodbye" for going on 3 years this Christmas. When I see her, all I can do is think about how she used to be and it kills me.

I saw this video about Alzheimer's patients and listening to music on an ipod. Got one for my mom and loaded it up with music from her era. It has made a bit of a difference. Watch the video and maybe you can at least do this little bit for her.

[911SauCy]

Gentlemen, I'm at the beinning of my descending journey with my mother.

The long thread about the "lunatic mother" was helpful in my self actualization of removing her iron fist of control from my life.

Here, about a year into it, I am coming to the realizations that my intuition over the last few years of her displaying "early on-set" is a reality. The plauging issue divinding my family is that my father is refusing to face this issue and help her. She has always been his voice, controlling his every move, and so he is not comfortable being the aggressor in the relationship. (The man needs to step up for the person he loves. I've said that directly to him but his inaction makes me wonder how much love is left, if any?)

My mother's situation has rendered her unemployable, her friends (alongside family members) have tried to help her help herself (they no longer speak), and for the family members that have not been insulted and written her off, they're also trying to help her and mostly push my dad.

Tying back to the OP: My mother has been going through this for the last decade with my grandmother, she'll be 99 next week, and thinks that because she's visiting her mother regularly and "helping" (usually making inappropriate comments/demands to caretakers) that there is nothing wrong with her.

She deflects her reality with the mirror of my grandmother's demise. We can see she is reaching a boiling point as my grandmother further degrades and is no longer able to redirect her focus away from self.

[Crowbob]

I keep coming back to check up on this thread. I went through this. The third anniversary of my mother's passing is tomorrow. I have nothing to offer other than to say you will be a stronger person for having gone through this. Your mother did what she could for you. Now it's your turn.

Just take it one day at a time going forward I guess.

[asphaltgambler]

My Mother went through this while my Dad was still is relatively good state of mind and health and they were living in their home. Initially he tried to hide her condition from everyone. 3 out of 4 of us live with-in 20 mins of where we grew up. Being close we saw all the stages of decline, not only physically but attitude and her 'light' literally fade into oblivion.

Two things that strike my memory in that time was I was helping do yard work, some of which was weed-eating near the house. I happened to see some piece of paper with writing on it taped to the window. That window was in my Mother's walk-in closet on the first floor. As I went closer, I could see it was a 3"X5" index card, the kind my Mom would always use for recipe's and had her writing on it.............. "Please stay away and do not take my things anymore"......

The card was taped to the inside of the window with the writing facing out. As my Mom's mind started to fade, she would forget where she put jewelry and other things. When Dementia was in full swing, she was convinced that some-one was taking her things. So then she would hide them..............................but forget where she put them..............the cycle just continued until she did remember having things at all.


About this time she called me one evening late (for her) and in a weak and shaky voice...................said that "some man is holding me here"..............................."I want to leave and go home"..................."he won't let me"..................................

Home was where she grew up; Roanoke, Va. - as the disease continued it's strong hold it's all she would talk about.

I told my mother that I would stop by the next morning and check on her, that if she still wanted to go I'll see what I can do.................I will say it was the G********* most difficult phone conversation I've ever had to that point. The next day I stopped by and she didn't remember anything, thank God, as I'm not sure how I would've handled it.

I'm sharing this with everyone here because maybe there are others in the same situation with their parent(s). Just be patient................

[wdfifteen]

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Alzheimers/dementia is a horrible way to spend the last years of one's life. This twilight period is one of the worst stages. Hopefully she will transition into the completely unaware stage soon and not have to endure this period of feeling so much fear and confusion for long.
I went through this with my father. He suffered with it for 5 years. The last year he was unaware of anything going on around him, and it was a relief to everyone after the years of suffering through the earlier stages.
+ 1000 on Crowbob's comments.
How many threads here do we have on this subject? It seems like the lives of a lot of Pelicans are touched by this.

[wildthing]

There is a support group for this. Find one in your community if you are so inclined.

[wdfifteen]

Gambler's post is so familiar. My dad would call me all upset and agitated and tell me my mom was clearing out the bank account and moving the California. I would tell him the bank was closed right now, but I would be down there the first thing in the morning with my lawyer to put a stop to it. I would check in on him the next morning and he wouldn't remember a thing.

[flatbutt]

Originally Posted by Rot 911

I've been watching my mother go through the "long goodbye" for going on 3 years this Christmas. When I see her, all I can do is think about how she used to be and it kills me.

I saw this video about Alzheimer's patients and listening to music on an ipod. Got one for my mom and loaded it up with music from her era. It has made a bit of a difference. Watch the video and maybe you can at least do this little bit for her.

I'm so going to try this, thanks! Mom loved Sinatra, Glenn Miller, the Dorseys etc. Good call man.

[t-tom]

I was raised by my grandparents I lived with them part time from when I was 2 and then when my Dad passed away whenI was 10 I lived with them full time. My grandmother was already starting to show signs of Alzheimer in 1983 when I moved in full time. It was embarrassing to me, she wouldn't remember my friends names or what we where doing. We'd go to the store and she wouldn't bring any money. As the years past and she slowly got worse and worse it was hard for me to spend time around her, she wasn't who I remembered, she didn't know who I was or anyone for that matter. After we moved her into a full time care facility I went to see her as much as I could a few times a week and slowly just like you I stopped going often because it tore me up inside. Then I stopped going all together again because it tore me up inside. Well I didn't see her for the last year of her life and that now tares me up inside.

[Charles Freeborn]

Mine is 93 in about 3 months. Still living in her own place - definitely less memory and more confusion, but thankfully no precipitous decline. Both her parents did, though, so we're holding our breath...

[wildthing]

Thought I'd share: Nursing Home's "Time Machine Rooms" Help Dementia Victims - Welcome to the Easton Home | Guff

My grandmother had the same issue BTW. My dad dealt with it in the final years. He just stopped going because she doesn't remember him.

[monoflo]

The hard thing is getting perspective - of course we feel guilt -- but if in your heart you've done the right thing - nothing more you can do. If you are blessed to have a good relationship when they were 'here" dwell there not in the now. Easy to walk away --but on the back side one will feel better by hangin in. My Dad 27 year ago -- never wanted anything but the best for his boys -but one thing he said -if I leave early (he did ) take care of Mom. We did - we're good.
And if you believe in the afterlife thing its all good --and if you don't it good now.

[Don Ro]

Back in '08 I sold everything in CA and was asked to moved to Gresham, OR to care take a couple - friends.
Husband was almost 20 yrs. old than the wife.
She needed a great amount of help w/him - Alzheimer's, dementia, and schizophrenia...and on tons of meds.
.
He would spray paint dead back yard plants w/green paint...placed a vinyl blow-up pool toy over a hot lawn mower - rain expected that night.
The stories of his difficulties were numerous...most were a hoot to hear, frankly.
.
He developed 'sun-downer's" syndrome - brought on by his deep frustration about his loss of memory during the day...he would flip-out in the evenings.
He would get very nasty in the evenings and would often threaten his wife and physically attack her...chocked her twice.
.
After a while of this, she developed "caretaker's syndrome"...the effect of being around such a demanding person for years...it can be debilitating.
While still somewhat lucid, he eventually sought out a care facility that he liked and went into, but he continued to harass her with threats of divorce (her loss of his LEO retirement) when she wouldn't visit him every day.
He became such a problem at his first care facility - too much management energy - that they asked him to leave.
The wife found him a private care home with 4 others with the same issues.
He eventually deteriorated to the point of not knowing who she was. Thank God for her.
She stopped visiting him.
.
She was one miserable lady when I arrived on the scene.
I spent two years taking care of her - she passed in '10.
I bought a motor home and set out to see America and to find my final home here in AZ.
It was a learning experience for me - to say the least.
I dread my own possible eventual experience of what they both went through.

~~~~~~~~~
"Caregiver burnout is a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion that may be accompanied by a change in attitude -- from positive and caring to negative and unconcerned. Burnout can occur when caregivers don't get the help they need, or if they try to do more than they are able -- either physically or financially. Caregivers who are "burned out" may experience fatigue, stress, anxiety, and depression. Many caregivers also feel guilty if they spend time on themselves rather than on their ill or elderly loved ones."

[wayner]

Originally Posted by flatbutt

Man the guilt is torture. My brothers are too far away to help and I live alone so it's all on me. I just don't know how to handle this. ....

Thanks for listening.

I think that there are many possible times and events in life that ask more of us than we can possibly give.

It might be worth talking to an expert

One other thing that might help though is to change how you explain this to yourself.
Let yourself off the hook. It isn't serving you well.

Maybe something like "I did the best that I could do. It would be selfish for anyone to expect any more of me. I took good care of her. She is safe and in good hands. I'm glad that I had a chance to know her, and I know that she wants me to enjoy life, so I am now going to take care of me by doing that."

[flatbutt]

Originally Posted by wayner

I think that there are many possible times and events in life that ask more of us than we can possibly give.

It might be worth talking to an expert

One other thing that might help though is to change how you explain this to yourself.
Let yourself off the hook. It isn't serving you well.

Maybe something like "I did the best that I could do. It would be selfish for anyone to expect any more of me. I took good care of her. She is safe and in good hands. I'm glad that I had a chance to know her, and I know that she wants me to enjoy life, so I am now going to take care of me by doing that."

It is sometimes difficult to believe this. Logically I'm good, emotionally not so much. But I'm Sicilian so there it is.

[wayner]

Originally Posted by flatbutt

It is sometimes difficult to believe this. Logically I'm good, emotionally not so much. But I'm Sicilian so there it is.

It is the only logical response. Repeat it until you feel it.

(seriously, a little distance from whatever your telling yourself up until now will make it seem like a distant memory. Script it, carry it with you and repeat it as needed.)

[gatotom]

All I can say is that it is rough and hang in there because peace is around the corner.

My story with my mother started almost 4 yrs ago. After falling for the 4th time and she broke a hip and layed on the floor for overnight before a cousin who looked in on her almost every day found her, the living by herself stopped. Myself and my only brother both live along way away from her.

First she went to assisted living kicking and screaming. As the dementia set in with advanced osteoporosis and rheumatoid arthritis, she became helpless now placed in a full fledged dementia wing that lock their doors at night cuz crazy things happen. I saw her this past Christmas and told my wife that my mom is dead but her body hasn't figured it out yet. She passed away May 21, she made it to 91 y.o.

My dad passed away 28 yrs ago at the age of 64, a young guy since now I am 67. Please remember all the good times you had, that is all we have but they warm my heart everytime I think of them.

[flatbutt]

Hey gang, well Mom had hit a plateau of sorts and she was "stable" for a while. But her condition seems to have gone off of a cliff. I spent the day with doctors and a hospice expert. Mom has gone into that strange space, talking to phantoms or no one in particular. She has been refusing food and is currently hospitalized for dehydration. How that happened in a nursing home is a bit of a wonder.

I sat with her for about four hours today just watching her go in and out of wakefulness. She spoke just a few words but never directed at me. I think she was talking to my Dad (who passed 12 years ago). At one point she said "hurry up my father will be home soon!" I laughed out loud!

The elder care people want to put her on something called "routine hospice" which is apparently the step before end of life care. I'm her medical proxy and made sure that her DNR was known to everyone and that my priority is her comfort.

If there is any grace left in my life I hope it is used to ease her passing and may heaven forgive me that her passing comes soon.

Peace my friends.

[Don Ro]

Peace and courage to you, brother.
She raised a good son...clearly so.

[RANDY P]

Sorry to hear that...

Exactly what my Dad did- seemed to actually improve, then 3 weeks later, off a cliff and gone.

Take your time with her now, and godspeed.

rjp