After 21 years... she's leaving

[black_falcon]

Mind = blown that u phaggots still date women and don't just screw'm. Friends with benefits at best. It all ends the same, 99% of women cheat, it's the sloot instinct m8. Anyone who believes otherwise is a beta unaware or in denial. At the very least if you end up in a relationship be the one who cares less.

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by john70t

A few days ago was my 'official' breakup with the ex.

We'd been together over a decade.
Mitigating circumstances, physical and emotional on her part, made it a relationship of convenience, on her behalf.

We were close lovers, then roommates, then friends, then distant acquaintances.
See the trend?
Every step was 100% on her part.

She asks favors and I do them. I ask favors and she balks and protests.
See the trend?
She borrows money, gets pissy about paying back and almost runs over my dog.

I'm old and the world is large.
I have no need for these people.

.
Every point you made sounds to me like BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) coupled with Attachment Avoidant style of relating.
I spent 3 1/2 yrs. with your wife's clone.
They do not change!!!

[john70t]

No, they certainly do not change. But they cover up so well.

This one was a sweet laid back hardworking country nurse gal who could melt anyone with a smile and a pat on the arm.
She changed into "I want this now or there will be trouble" ultimatum machine.
The same woman she hated when we met.

I provided everything but emotional connection and pairing.
She did not want that at all.
Me too.Free space and alone time is good to a point. Man cave and man hours. All good.
But I definitely wanted at least the talks and the connection once in a little.
Even humans can be in proximity and talk once in a while. Basic schlit.
There was to be none of that.

Shame on me for not seeing it long ago. That hurts the most.

[KFC911]

^^^^ John it sounds like you're going through a rough time....btdt in a 9 year relationship some years back. By the end, I didn't recognize her as the same person...but I certainly saw "clues" a couuple of years into it. Sometimes we're blind . It'll get better man....good luck!

[jakebarrell]

I'm so sorry to hear this. But i'm sure it's for the best! Just be hopeful & stay positive!

[recycled sixtie]

John I would suggest counselling. It might just help her align her neurons. Reminds me of my brother in law and his wife. She has "gimme disease". She is on meds to calm her down and they are still together. I really believe that an independent councilor can put things in perspective for you both and she will listen to an independent more readily.
All the best.

[wayner]

Stuff Ive found.
I gave up looking for answers and solutions a long time ago but thought I'd post some of this stuff here in the hopes it may help someone before you get too far down the relationship road.

Books: (something for everyone)

Attached - https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-Help/dp/1585429139

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life - https://www.amazon.ca/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713

The Empowered Wife - https://www.amazon.ca/Empowered-Wife-Surprising-Attracting-Husband-s-ebook/dp/B01N540235/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1497307768&sr=1-1&keywords=The+empowered+wife

No more Mr. nice guy - https://www.amazon.ca/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1497307838&sr=1-1&keywords=nice+guy

Blog:

http://www.theperimenopauseblog.com/category/for-men/

Be careful out there...

[john70t]

Thx for posting info wayner.
Sorry you are going through this carp (an open mouth bottom-feeder capable of great size).
It does get better, one way or another.

Just for reference, another concurrent thread: http://forums.pelicanparts.com/off-topic-discussions/959736-many-people-dont-realize-their-partner-hates-them.html

But this p_ssypass stuff has to stop: Former NYPD psychologist gets three years for shooting sleeping husband - CBS News. Laws need to be changed. The male has to regain real value and a place in society and the home again. And not just be considered a future atm or prisoner.

[wayner]

I am so good with me right now

I turned that page months ago

It's not time, it's what you do with it, and during that time I learned an awful lot about me and am very comfortable with just me

I'm good
People can't believ how good

I did the hard work and processed the **** out of this

I'm the best version of me that ever was

And I'm happy

[recycled sixtie]

I am happy to hear Wayne that you are happy. Sometimes a relationship feels right(my present marriage) and sometimes it does not(my first marriage). And sometimes it is good to be alone.

Having recently been in Jasper hiking my wife and I met two young German men aged 28 and 35. We met them for a beer and a meal a day later. If we had more daughters I would have been happy to bring them home to introduce them but we only have one spoken for daughter. But they were exceptionally well mannered and moderate. But the fact that they were taking their time before settling down is a good thing.

I say to my daughter that the hard work of marriage starts when children arrive. Raising children involves so much sacrifice. The stability of a good parental relationship helps to raise children in a tough world.

I think this forum gives great opportunities to share the joys and the challenges of life.
Relationships are just one area of life than can certainly impact an individual in a big way and for a long time. Not everybody should have or want children but if you do want children there is nothing better than children raised in a happy family.

[flatbutt]

FWIW I'm divorced nearly 30 years now. There were some tough times for sure. But I'm tight with my kids which is most important to me. I've been in and out of 2 serious relationships in that time, more casual relationships. I never found anyone that I cared enough about to go back into marriage with. But I still go to bed every night with someone I love......me.

[wayner]

Happy to say the kids are out of the next and making their way in the world already

Kids grew up happy

Wife didn't...

[LeeH]

5 months later...

Seems like every weekend is filled with fun outings with my friends. The divorce seems like a distant memory. My ex and I are on great terms. I rarely see her, but when I do, we have no issues at all. My group of friends is extremely active. We're all excited that hiking season is finally here in AZ. BTW, that's me driving the party van in the pic... taking the group hike underground lava tubes! A group of us will be heading to Rocky Point, MX soon. I'm still dating the same wonderful woman. Life's good!

I've read over and over that the happiest people have lots of friends. That's really been a huge game changer for me... meeting high quality, active people who have taken the time to get to know me and are vocal in their appreciation for who I am as a person. My #1 advice to anyone going through a divorce is to do the work to find people that you bond with. Might not be what you feel like doing while you're suffering through the process, but having that support during the process and beyond is invaluable.

[porsche4life]

Glad you are having fun lee! See you Saturday!

[jhynesrockmtn]

Excellent report and perspective. I couldn't agree more!

[sand_man]

Originally Posted by flatbutt

FWIW I'm divorced nearly 30 years now. There were some tough times for sure. But I'm tight with my kids which is most important to me. I've been in and out of 2 serious relationships in that time, more casual relationships. I never found anyone that I cared enough about to go back into marriage with. But I still go to bed every night with someone I love......me.

Nice!

[McLovin]

Thanks for the update, so happy to see you are doing so well! Congrats on navigating through a very difficult time and coming out better on the other side!

[recycled sixtie]

Well done. At the time of the split it is very stressful. You have come out of it and the skies are clearer for you.

[wayner]

Lee, thanks for posting your progress and the good news on your new life.

Well, almost a year later here is where I am.
Ive been through hell and back. It got worse after I stopped posting. New information came out that let me off the hook. People kept that from me hoping to spare me the pain, but in reality it gave me closure.

In the meantime my head kept going around in circles trying to figure out where "I" went wrong. Before the split we'd be out, having fun, and within a short time of being home she'd turn on me, and I never understood why. What did I do wrong between the car and the house?

She was a master of guilt, which I'd been brainwashed into accepting, when in fact it was about her guilt. A friend suggested that she was probably trying to get me to leave. I was just too dumb to realize it.

As a result of all of this rumination, I probably killed any chance of motion asking me along on another motorcycle ride. This **** was so deep inside my head.

But, I found out the truth when I got home.two months and 23,000kms later. It set me free, but also set in motion a bunch of unexpected resentments, feeling my life had been stolen.

The hurt for her went away in the first coupe months, but the sting of having been played has not.

I realized that what I missed most was ME!
Ive followed a lot of the advice here and form others.
Ive found the true me.
I'll never sacrifice me again
in a new relationship, blow it up early if I have any indications of certain character traits.

I'm ok with ME.
As flatbutt said, I also go to bed with someone I love every night. ME!

I've separated in my mind the two women that I was married to:
1) the loving caring person I knew who I raised two children with. She was my biggest cheer leader.

2) The woman that she became in the last few years. She has to have been struggling with a lot of internal demons. I didn't recognize that woman (and Im not taking physically). Someone stole her brain. While that woman was evil, I thought malicious sometimes, but probably she was afraid or anxious and scared. That finely honed evolutionary defense mechanism is pretty convincing to ward off enemies. She is not now, and was not before an evil person. but in the height of it all She'd lose it in a scorched earth rage.

. But once in a while a glimmer of who she once was would appear, and that was confusing. I felt like someone on the walking dead, in love with the person she once was, not the person who's brain had shifted.

I got every crazy reason in the book for the split. One day it was that I hadn't;t finished building the dune buggy, but another it was because she even had to dress me??? Obviously none of the many reasons were the real reason but many of them left me off balance.

I know in the last few years she had people at work who were not looking out for her best interests, including women who were jealous of the life that she had. I believe they poisoned the well, and one day she announced to me that she realized that she was in a bad marriage. Like what, magically?

And for those who didn't have malicious intention, friends, the problem with friends is that they believe you. If she was feeling something, poor you. Who had MY back/ Who was there to question her assumption? My reading on Perimenopause really suggests that a stable but questioning voice can be beneficial for someone who is experiencing the anxiety and uncertainty etc that comes with that.. Thats what a good professional will do. People have told me since that I didn't stand a chance.

So here is how Ive spent the last year:

Step 1. Moved on from her in the first few months.

Step 2. Became OK with me. I can be alone with me for the rest of my life and Im ok with that. I hit that point after a lot of self examination after the first 3 months

step 3. let myself off the hook. Too much of the ridiculous reasons were pointed my way leaving me to travel for months while trying to solve these riddles inside my helmet. I've finally moved past that

Step 4.Purge the resentment. I've really working on that one but it keeps sneaking back up on me. She stoled my life, and while i was away even put down my dog. Its easy to sound like a victim, but thats the way I feel, but I don't want to be so I turn every negative victim thought around into an "I" statement. I take ownership. I let it happen. "I" will take control of what happens next.

Step 5. Cautiously allow myself to be around other women. Cautiously and slowly. And look for the signs.
Ive already had one stalker from a simple conversation. Pissed because I wouldn't give her a chance and go out with her even for a coffee. Boys. thats a sign. And I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than get tangled up with something like that.

My revenge will be to dig myself out of this financial and emotional hole, become a success again and most important happy. I think she has internal demons that will never let her enjoy the same happiness. I will be, in fact AM better for it.

The unfortunate thing is that the old me is gone. Will never return. I will remain guarded, less trusting in many situations, and I suppose less gullible or willing to give the benefit of the doubt. But I will live life with extreme honesty and expect exactly the same thing from anyone else. If a conversation about a difficult subject cannot be had, blow it up, its not worth it, I won't accept anything less from anyone. And if you can't handle me being honest, same goes.

Extreme integrity is the only thing that I will accept.
-Character is a beauty that attracts me.
-Empathy is an aphrodisiac.
-The ability to self reflect an absolute necessity.

TO answer the question "why are so many guys blindsided?

I think that the answer to that is that things appear to get better. We think we've made it through the toughest part of marriage, and now it time for us as a couple to enjoy the fruits of our labor.

I myself felt that in the kids and careers years, when the going got a bit tough, I imagined that we were swinging across a chasm, me hanging on to the vine, and her in my arms, soon to be safely across to the other side. All the signs seemed to be there that we had each others backs. But unfortunately just when the other side was in sight and we were about to land on solid ground, she cut the FN rope!

There is no way that I ever want her back. But I miss my life so I am building a new one.

Wayne

P.S.

For those with good relationships, possibly about to get blind sided, let me submit "exhibit A"

[wayner]