After 21 years... she's leaving

[recycled sixtie]

I am sorry to hear about your son leaving the country. Boys at that age can be very independent. Stay in touch. If you are coming this way you can use our condo guest suite.It even has an underground parking spot Just give me some notice.

I am glad you have a plan to go south for a while. We will too for a short while but likely in the new year. Remember you are not alone in this kind of situation. Something like 40% of married people go through this. It is not easy and if I remember right thirty years ago I felt things were a lot better after about a year.

[tevake]

I've been following this thread with some personal interest, I like many others here am a divorce veteran.
The thing is that it's a different experence for each of us. And we have to go thru it our own way.
I fall closer to the folks Lee mentioned being hard to understand ( still sad after a long time). Than being ready to party and date soon after its finalized. But that's just me.

Wayne you have obviously been working at it consciously and making your way thru as best that works for you. Can't really ask more of yourself. Have patience, it's not easy growing beyond a life long commitment even if your pardner has.

I try not to judge my progress by that of others too much as were each on our own path.

It seems like you are gaining insight and continuing to learn as time goes along, maybe that's good enough for now.

Cheers Richard

[LOWFAT]

January will make it one year for me. 14.5 yrs attached at the hip and took less than 30 days to destroy it. I don't think about it as much day to day but the thoughts still creep in mostly when I think about the reason why she left ( drugs ). When she left all she personally owned fit in a few boxes and trash bags as she had already pawned anything she owned of value. I saw the signs and tried to get ahold of the situation but it backfired in my face. It destroyed everything about her that I loved and by the time I forced her hand she wasn't even the same person. I kept the house, furniture, and the 930. She did get my two Dobermans unfortunately but I adopted (rescued ) a 9 month old male afterwards. Up to her leaving we were the couple who were going to make it as I and everyone we knew thought. Things change quickly it seems. I'm still single and probably will be for some time to come. I wont force the situation trying to meet someone new, it will happen in time. I haven't seen or spoken with her since June when she came to collect the rest of her things. Last I knew she was living in a trailer park probably with her father. Not a month after she left I received a promotion at work and am doing better now than ever before which isn't too bad for a guy like me. One of my friends made a good statement saying that I'm on my way up as she's on her way down, truth. The thing I most worry about is how my two dogs are doing because I miss them dearly. Head up, one foot in front of the other, the sun will rise tomorrow.

[wayner]

- EPILOGUE -

Lee started this thread and then circled back with updates for us.

I piggy backed on it when going through my blindsided divorce, and there are a few nuggets that I gleaned from this thread that helped immensely.

In hindsight I realize that this wasn't just a divorce but the end of something else.

ADVICE that I read:
-Don't repeat. It took me two years of thinking to figure out what that really meant. I was cautious during that time and my eyes were wide open and on the lookout. (That was probably the best advice)

-Figure out what you brought to the table and work on that. (For me, honestly not that much other than well-intentioned behaviors that were meant to keep the peace)
Total honesty to me now means saying those things that are on your mind. If the relationship blows up because of it... some important boundary issue for you, then you dodged a bullet!

-If the pain and sadness lasts too long, there was more going on in your relationship than you realized. You might want to explore that.

THE GOOD
-I got the blues and suddenly could play the harmonica (Never had a musical bone in my body before that bottle of Jack Daniels). In the first year I played on stages from one end of the continent to the other and drank a lot of whiskey. I was never sure whether I could play when I was drunk, or when I was drunk I thought I could play.
(I don't drink much anymore but I still play.)

This first video was not very long after I accidentally picked up the instrument one night at a party. A short time later someone said that I knew how to play (not really, but, a little alcohol induced lack of judgement on my part and there I was on stage in this impromptu invitation, making it up as I went.) Playing with feeling if not talent.

The second video was past the two year mark and maybe you can can tell my emotions were in a better way. I've never practiced, only ever playing on stage.
My jacket is my harmonica case, and it travels around the world with me wherever I go from Grafton street to Bleeker street, and all the way to Nashville. I'm learning...not only the harmonica, but also about life.

I have to credit many of you here for the help, perspective and even a few meals along the way.
Thanks. In person or on-line, you each know who you are even if you don't realize the degree to which you've helped.

[Steve F]

Video #2

[LeeH]

If I've learned one thing hanging out with a bunch of divorced people for a few years, it's that everyone takes their own path to recovery. None are right or wrong, better or worse. As long as you're making progress, eventually you'll put it all behind you and move on. Looks like you're doing great, Wayne!

Me? I'm still with the same woman. We went to China together this year and had a blast. I still own my house, but mostly live with her. Navigating the little details of adult relationships... like dealing with two houses, is interesting for sure.

I still resist posting details about my relationships, but will say things are very, very good! She's an amazing woman and I feel so fortunate to have her in my life.

[billybek]

Hey, you did good!
Her catch is kind of marginal though...

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by billybek

Hey, you did good!
Her catch is kind of marginal though...

You are a bad man, Billy

What has surprised me the last decade or so is how fast a marriage can go southbound, viciously so, in the 50's and 60's crowd with a 50/50 split on who initiates the divorce, H or W...shared assets at stake, kids are raised: Buenos dias, Rust Picker.

Great thread, Lee...but Billy is right!

[wayner]

I think that one of the things that shows up in the end is the degree to which personalities and core values really differ.

During good times it is less noticeable.

Three things that I always said:
1) Anyone can live with anyone
2) Relationship will work as long as both people keep trying
3) Stress does terrible things to people.

I have revised those three things:
1) Its amazing that anyone can live with anyone
2) Relationships shouldn't be that much work
3) Gauge a person by how they deal with bad times (even small ones), not how they are in good times

Lee, I am truly happy for you.
Wayne

[LeeH]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

You are a bad man, Billy

What has surprised me the last decade or so is how fast a marriage can go southbound, viciously so, in the 50's and 60's crowd with a 50/50 split on who initiates the divorce, H or W...shared assets at stake, kids are raised: Buenos dias, Rust Picker.

Great thread, Lee...but Billy is right!

Yeah... It's really sad how common it's gotten. Not only is it socially acceptable, it's become the norm.

I think the trend toward the celebration of divorce is so sad... parties, congratulations. Why stay married when all your friends are getting divorced?

"When YOUR divorce is final, we'll throw a party for you, too!" C'mon... all the cool kids are doing it.

Yes. I'm lucky to be with her. She's beautiful, smart, easy going and has a wicked sense of humor. We really do have a lot of fun together.

[LeeH]

Here's one without my mug to distract you guys...

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by wayner

3) Gauge a person by how they deal with bad times (even small ones), not how they are in good times

There is the Old Saw about judging a person on how they treat a waiter or waitress...I have found it to be a reliable predictor as well as the above.

Winning is easy; drive home after striking out to lose a game...

Originally Posted by wayner

Lee, I am truly happy for you.
Wayne

Bingo, Wayne, and why your corner has been turned.

[wayner]

Paul, I've simplified the story.
She had a crisis, I was just the fallout.

Im ok with me.
And you guys deserve a bunch of the credit for getting me through

[wayner]

Lee, inner beauty is what's important. But by the look of your new squeeze, you got a the bonus of outer beauty as well!

Originally Posted by LeeH

Here's one without my mug to distract you guys...

[masraum]

Originally Posted by wayner

- EPILOGUE -

Lee started this thread and then circled back with updates for us.

I piggy backed on it when going through my blindsided divorce, and there are a few nuggets that I gleaned from this thread that helped immensely.

In hindsight I realize that this wasn't just a divorce but the end of something else.

ADVICE that I read:
-Don't repeat. It took me two years of thinking to figure out what that really meant. I was cautious during that time and my eyes were wide open and on the lookout. (That was probably the best advice)

-Figure out what you brought to the table and work on that. (For me, honestly not that much other than well-intentioned behaviors that were meant to keep the peace)
Total honesty to me now means saying those things that are on your mind. If the relationship blows up because of it... some important boundary issue for you, then you dodged a bullet!

-If the pain and sadness lasts too long, there was more going on in your relationship than you realized. You might want to explore that.

THE GOOD
-I got the blues and suddenly could play the harmonica (Never had a musical bone in my body before that bottle of Jack Daniels). In the first year I played on stages from one end of the continent to the other and drank a lot of whiskey. I was never sure whether I could play when I was drunk, or when I was drunk I thought I could play.
(I don't drink much anymore but I still play.)

This first video was not very long after I accidentally picked up the instrument one night at a party. A short time later someone said that I knew how to play (not really, but, a little alcohol induced lack of judgement on my part and there I was on stage in this impromptu invitation, making it up as I went.) Playing with feeling if not talent.

The second video was past the two year mark and maybe you can can tell my emotions were in a better way. I've never practiced, only ever playing on stage.
My jacket is my harmonica case, and it travels around the world with me wherever I go from Grafton street to Bleeker street, and all the way to Nashville. I'm learning...not only the harmonica, but also about life.

I have to credit many of you here for the help, perspective and even a few meals along the way.
Thanks. In person or on-line, you each know who you are even if you don't realize the degree to which you've helped.

You can blow an organ like nobody's business. You've clearly been practicing.

[wayner]

Originally Posted by LeeH

Yeah... It's really sad how common it's gotten. Not only is it socially acceptable, it's become the norm.

I think the trend toward the celebration of divorce is so sad... parties, congratulations. Why stay married when all your friends are getting divorced?

"When YOUR divorce is final, we'll throw a party for you, too!" C'mon... all the cool kids are doing it.

Yes. I'm lucky to be with her. She's beautiful, smart, easy going and has a wicked sense of humor. We really do have a lot of fun together.

I've come up with Wayne's law:
If a woman moves to a new job where most of the women are divorced, eventually she too will be divorced.

Lee Im glad that you found someone similar to you and that you can be each other's cheer leaders!

[Gretch]

Good for both of you.

I have repeated many times: "watch how a woman treats her family, she will never treat you any better".........

I wish I had known that the first time around......

[DonDavis]

Ha! Such great insightful replies.

I sometimes think the best threads come from awful titles.
This has turned into much more of how we've grown, not about the initial pain and turbulence.

Crazy to think it's been 12 yrs since my D.
( still single, apparently I'm still healing )

So happy for my Bro Lee. Such a great dude. We need to get lunch, right?

Wayne- You're playing on stage?! That too cool. That's so unpredictable.
Keep after it, "Mean Wayne"!

[wayner]

Originally Posted by DonDavis

Ha! Such great insightful replies.

I sometimes think the best threads come from awful titles.
This has turned into much more of how we've grown, not about the initial pain and turbulence.

Crazy to think it's been 12 yrs since my D.
( still single, apparently I'm still healing )

So happy for my Bro Lee. Such a great dude. We need to get lunch, right?

Wayne- You're playing on stage?! That too cool. That's so unpredictable.
Keep after it, "Mean Wayne"!

I got the blues and suddenly could play.
A friend who was with me that day said of that second video, it's good that J. Edwards played a song that you've played together before.

I said "I've never played with J. before in my life and I never heard that song until got on stage and he told me which key it was in.

I'd never even played that style before. I just followed him, (and when you could hear the panties flying, if you listen hard you can see I was making it up as I went and started following the squeal from the girl in the back of the room.)

Because I suddenly got the blues, and soul, an Irish friend nickname me White Chocolate.

Im not sure if that that name is appropriate or not, but, that became my stage name all weekend in Nashville and it was not my doing, but if you ever hear of someone in nashville telling of the day a blues harp player came to town by the name of White Choclate...
(I was on three stages in two days with three separate acts.)

I just hold the thing, it plays itself

I do have to thank Lee though again for starting this thread.
That first night sleeping in my truck was one of the worst days in my life and I had no one to talk to or turn to. I turned to mycar hobby for distraction and found you guys.

[wayner]

Originally Posted by DonDavis

Ha! Such great insightful replies.

I sometimes think the best threads come from awful titles.
This has turned into much more of how we've grown, not about the initial pain and turbulence.

Crazy to think it's been 12 yrs since my D.
( still single, apparently I'm still healing )

So happy for my Bro Lee. Such a great dude. We need to get lunch, right?
!

This is a nice sentiment.