How about a joke thread?

[SabaDabaDoo]

True story: Last time I renewed my driver's license in Ohio, the lady behind the counter instructed me to place my forehead against the vision testing machine ( in front of her) and push gently to activate the blinking light .
When nothing happened, she said "push harder"...but there was still no light !
"You are not pushing hard enough " was the last comment she made before the whole machine ended up in her lap.
It turns out: my forehead contour is uncommon ( I am not referring to the two small horns by the way).


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Bill Douglas]

A guy was lying next to his smashed up bicycle in the middle of an intersection. I rushed up to him and said "Have an accident?" He said "No thanks, I've just had one."

[GH85Carrera]

Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
11. You can't remember who sent you this list.
12. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

(OK this is not really a joke, just a list of funny things)

[Bill Douglas]

A guy goes to see the doctor and says "Doc, I've got this situation. Girlfriend comes around on Friday, ex wife is coming around on Saturday, and on Sunday the wife will get back home pretty horny."

Doctor says "Don't worry I have something for you." and gives him three viagras.

On Monday the guy goes back to the doctor with his wrist bandaged up and his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks "What happened?!!!"

Guy replies "No one turned up."

[Bill Douglas]

The circus came to town and I'd heard the human cannonball guy got fired. So I went in and applied for the job. They looked me up and down and said "No, we are looking for a certain caliber of man."

[fastfredracing]

How do you know when a deadhead/hippie has been to your house ?
He is still there ..

[dafischer]

A little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I'm voting for Trump".

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **


And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

[dafischer]

It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to get in line for that too."

[GH85Carrera]

Sex & Calories…

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 60 seconds?

[dafischer]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year
old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony
with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...


He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

"An ambulance just drove by!"


"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.


"Matt's riding a new bike!"


"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"


"Jason is on his skate board!"


After a few moments he announced...

"The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"


“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

[dafischer]

Math Teachings In Chicago
Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations! So much for Dick and Jane - that's old school.
QUIZ:
NAME__________________________________

GANG/CREW NAME_______________________

CRIB__________________________________

1. Lajames gots an AK-47 wif a 100-round drum. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive-by befo he gotta reload?

2. Willie has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his ****?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the $10k for his brother's bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. Theys be’s 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of *****es Tyrone knocked up?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

[john70t]

A cixelsyd deklaw otni a rab.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

^^dna thgouht eh was dog

[GH85Carrera]

A father told his 3 children when he sent them to college:

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.

And so it happened, one became a doctor, one a lawyer, and one a financial planner, each very financially successful. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 newly printed, crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, came the financial planner, who also placed $1,000 in cash there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. She dipped into her purse, took out her checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, placed it into her father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

[dafischer]

I retired from my long successful career, but became bored. I decided to accept a low-paid but stress-free job as a greeter at the local home improvement store. After landing my new job as a greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
Here is my story…
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, and inappropriately dressed woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Here is her picture.



As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling at the children just long enough to say to me, "Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s only 5. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just ****ing stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam... I just couldn't believe someone would **** you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping with us".

My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[GH85Carrera]

[dafischer]

PGA Major Rules Change Announced to Honor Arnold Palmer

As his final request, Arnold Palmer has suggested that the golf term "bad lie"
would be more descriptive if called .......... "A Hillary." Today, the PGA has
honored Arnold's request and officially approved "A Hillary" in the lexicon
of golf terms.

[GH85Carrera]

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blo nde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it!

-------------------

Lisa & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lisa was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Lisa explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!

------------

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that My mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check
on the blonde. He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

[oldE]

In light of the allegations of unwanted sexual attention, the Nashville Predators have issued a press release denying The Donald is a future draft pick.

Best
Les

[Hawkeye's-911T]