How about a joke thread?

[dafischer]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

[cashflyer]

Ted goes to the most famous whore-house in Nevada and sees a gorgeous, blonde whore sitting on the piano.

He walks up to her and asks, "Hey doll, how much for a handjob?"

She replies, "A hundred dollars."

"A hundred dollars for a handjob!?" he gasps. "Why so much?"

She says, "You see that car over there? It was paid for by giving the best handjobs in town!"

He ponders, and accepts her offer.


The next day, he returns and speaks to the same whore.

"That was great yesterday, babe, but how about a blowjob now!" he says.

"Sure, for $500 dollars," she says.

"$500?! How come??" he exclaims.

She responds, "I have the biggest house town" I can afford it because I give the best blowjobs around!"

He thinks about it for a minute, and accepts her offer.


The next day he returns, and asks another question.

"How about a little bit of pussy from you today?"

She responds "10,000 dollars."

Ted is astounded at the price and incredulously asks why so much.

She says, "Because that's what my doctor wants for the sex change operation to give me the little bit of pussy you want."

[dafischer]

Here is a very interesting English lesson:


• Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?
• Do you know that the word "racecar" spelled backwards still spells "racecar"?
• And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?
• Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, non-English-speaking *******s and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you."

[DanielDudley]

Well I guess we know why he won.

[dafischer]

Late one evening, while the campaign motorcade
proceeded down a lonely rural road in west Texas, a very
aged cow that had wandered away from its ranch pasture
suddenly stepped onto the road directly in the path of the
oncoming vehicles.
The Secret Service limo driver tried to avoid the
aging bovine but just couldn't stop the car in time.
Unfortunately, the old cow was struck and killed.

From the back seat of the limo, Hillary Clinton
demanded that her driver go up to the nearby ranch house and explain to the owners what had happened. She insisted,
however, that the agent should resist any request from the
rancher to pay for the animal, and she screamed, "You killed
it, so if they demand money, it will come out of your own
pocket!"

Meanwhile, Hillary stayed in the car making phone
calls on her unsecured cell phone. About an hour later, the
driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in
disarray.

He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive
wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other and was
smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the
cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin
daughters made passionate love to me.

"I had just stepped inside the door and said ‘I'm
Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old
cow.’ "

"The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

[GH85Carrera]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.

[GH85Carrera]

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."

[GH85Carrera]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am over 50)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' '

Oh no,' I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

'I said, 'Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!
''Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking and bicycling?
''No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have frequent wild sex?
''Oh, no,' I said.
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a crap?'???

[dafischer]

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel ?"

He says, "Ma'am... I'm completely blind... BUT... if you'll drop it on the counter... I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.
It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00 !"

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it !" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and ... accidentally FARTS.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is NO WAY the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The blind salesman rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00 ?!?!? How in the world did you get $34.50 ?!?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00... BUT the Duck Call is $11.00... AND the Bear Repellent is $3.50 !"

[sammyg2]

First morning on her new job in a hardware store a man approached her. “I need a flat bastard.”

“Cad!” She slapped him and he rushed out.

The manager was aghast, but she explained the customer swore at her, so he just shook his head and went back to his business as another man approached her.

“I need a flat bastard.”

“Cad!” She slapped him and he ran from the store.

This time, the manager questioned her and she explained the offending language.

“Ahh. It’s okay. They were asking for bastard files. See,” pointing to a bin of files, “Those are called bastard files.”

She apologized, and he went back to work. Another customer approached her. “I need a file.”

“How about one of these flat bastards?” Glowing with new-found knowledge.

“No, I think I’ll take this little round son-of-a-*****.”

[sammyg2]

An all-time classic:

At the office of the French president the phone rings. Mister Hollande answers it and from the other side of the line a voice says: “This is Paddy from Ireland. I am ringing you from The Old Dublin pub to inform you that we officially declare war on you!”

Hollande replies: “Well Paddy, that is indeed important news. How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Hollande laughs amused and says: “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100.000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“**** me!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Hollande, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?”, Hollande asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Hollande again seems rather amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6.000 tanks and 5.000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150.000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200.000 men!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Hollande! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Hollande. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no ****ing way we can feed 200.000 prisoners.

[t-tom]

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

[GH85Carrera]

Dear Santa: How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 7 for Christmas. I hope you will remember all this come Christmas morning.

Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones
*****************
Dear Timmy: Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer, and the elves are all fine .... and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a pretty good boy, I think I'll bring you something with which you can go outside and play.

Merry Christmas, Santa
*****************
Mr. Claus: Seeing that I have fulfilled the 'naughty vs nice' contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to grant me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. In addition, don't you think that a jibe at my weight is a bit trite considering your own obesity?

Respectfully, Tim Jones
*****************
Mr. Jones: While I acknowledge you have reasonably met the 'nice' criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is simply a REQUEST and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident. We will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills, and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin.

Very truly yours, S. Claus
*****************
Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this, but you got personal. Now, you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we's gonna be waitin' for your fat ass and takin' my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want .... whatever I want, man.

T-Bone
*****************
Listen, Pizza Face: Seriously??? You think a dude who breaks into every house in the world on ONE night and never gets caught sweats a gang-banger wannabe? He sees you when you're sleeping....he knows when you're awake." Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people in such a way that if I described them to you right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass ... and then walk it dry.

Chew on that Petunia, S. Clizzy
*****************
Dearest Santa: Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Love, Timmy
*****************
Dear Timmy: That's what I thought .... you little jerk.

Santa

[GH85Carrera]

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco


2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall..

'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA


3... One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had Died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg



4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with One of his medications.
?Which one?'. ... . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA



5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered .. . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR



6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ?It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste. Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,



7... A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered .. . .. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,



AND FINALLY!! ! . . . .. . . . . . .. . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said.. . ... ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard .. ... ..

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was .. . ...
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .'

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name.....


1 MORE


Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came".

[GH85Carrera]

Snotty Receptionist

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS

[GH85Carrera]

This morning I asked this hot girl at my grocery store what her New Year’s resolution was. She said “f… you” - so I’m pretty excited about 2017.

[Heel n Toe]

Italian man American man Chinese man they hire at building site.

Foreman point he say huge pule of sand and he tell Italian guy you in charge of sweeping. American he say you in charge of shovelling. To Chinese man he say you in charge of supplies.

He say then now I have to leave for little while I expect you guy to make dent in pile. Foreman go away for couple hour and when return pile of san untouch.

He ask Italian why didnt you sweep any. Italian reply I have no broom you say to Chinese man he in charge of supplies but he disappear and couldn't find him.

Then foreman turn to American he say and you I thought you shovel pile. American say yeah I couldn't find shovel because Chinese man in charge of supplies he not show up.

Foreman he angry and storm off to find Chinese man. Then Chinese man jump out from behind pile and say supplies! hehehehehehe!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[GH85Carrera]

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small U.S.A. flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning father," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Father, what is this?" he asked the priest.

The priest said, "well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"

[GH85Carrera]

A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house Had been robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and Had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I Can't believe they banged my wife after only five beers!"

[Fast Freddy 944]

What do you call a man that didn't use protection "during"? Dad Why was the Mary kay sales woman walking funny? Because her lipstick What does a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They are both looking for a tight seal!