How about a joke thread?

[Tervuren]

Originally Posted by NotaBRG

A weasel walks in to a bar.

The bartender hasn't served a weasel before and is quite surprised.
"What can I get you?" he asks, very curious what a weasel might drink.


"Pop" goes the weasel...

Thank you for that.

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by NotaBRG

A weasel walks in to a bar.
.

Oh, we've sunk that low? OK.

A pod of porpoises were heavy partiers. Wife swapping, drinking squid ink - they engaged in all sorts of lewd and lascivious behavior. One male said he wanted to "date" his friend's porpoise wife while being serenaded by a flock of myna birds. The friend, being the Bohemian porpoise that he was, swam down to Mexico to get a flock of mynas. On the way back he was arrested by the Coast Guard as soon as he entered US waters - the charge....

Transporting Mynas across the border for immoral porpoises.

[Lyle O]

You are right...new low...but still funny. Thank you.

[GH85Carrera]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

[GH85Carrera]

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. She was not aware her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. When her husband came home unexpectedly, she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$250.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “I’ll tell.”
Man: “How much?”
Boy: “$750.”
Man: “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That was way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*# again.”

[Bob Kontak]

Outstanding, Glen.

[fred cook]

What sound does a piano make when dropped down a deep mine shaft?


Answer: "A flat miner" !

[ckissick]

A plane comes in for a landing. It touches down but hurtles toward the end of the runway, with little room to stop. The pilot tries everything to stop in time, to no avail. The plane rips through a fence and into a field, but no one is hurt. "Wow!", says the pilot, "that sure was a short runway!" "Yeah," says the co-pilot, "But it sure was wide."

[fred cook]

Subject: Coffee with Jesus

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes! So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “ ey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!” He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God’s boy over there?” The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.



Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.

Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability!"



For Those Who Understand, no explanation is necessary.



For Those Who Do Not Understand, no explanation is possible.

[GH85Carrera]

Three little ducks go into a bar......

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey


"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned

to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all
day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said batting her eyelashes, "My name is Puddles."

[gr8fl4porsche]

I went to the Doctor yesterday.

He said,

"You're going to have to stop masturbating."

I said, "Why Doc?"

He said, "Because I'm trying to examine you"

[GH85Carrera]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

[GH85Carrera]

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough.

Finally he said, "Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband."

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either."

[E38Driver]

What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

Dave

[Bill Douglas]

"Have an accident?"

"No thanks, I've just had one."

[widebody911]

Your mamma's so fat that her spiritual guide refers to her aura as an event horizon

[GH85Carrera]

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

[Bill Douglas]

A Kiwi guy goes to Paris and is fascinated by the mayhem of pedestrians running across the road and car drivers almost clipping their heels.

He says to the taxi driver "What's that cross hairs looking thing on the front of the Mercedes cab?" Driver thinks "OMG, what have I got here. Might as well have some fun with him." He replies "That's my sights so I can line up and run down pedestrians."

The Cab driver came flying around the next corner, lined up a person running across the road, then swerved last second laughing to himself. Kiwi guy says "Why did you swerve the last second. If I hadn't have swung the door open you would have missed him completely."

[Evans, Marv]

TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then he made the earth round, and He laughed and laughed and laughed .

[GH85Carrera]

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret At age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Maybe You shoulda bought a new hat."