How about a joke thread?

[sammyg2]

WINTER BLONDE


As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her
car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and
you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She
jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the
blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the
truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name
is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK!"

[sammyg2]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Punta
Gorda, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that
says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.

'They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is
too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice
that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour
one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men
ordered a martini. In short order, the bartender serves
up four iced martinis...shaken, not stirred, and says,
'That'll be 10 cents each, please.' The four men stare at
the bartender for a moment. Then look at each
other...They can't believe their good luck. They pay the
40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the
bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They
pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they
can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far
they have spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men
says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as
these for a dime a piece?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Boston,' the bartender said,
and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the
Lottery for $125 million and decided to open this place.
Every drink costs a dime wine, liquor, beer, it's all the
same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story, says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't
help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar
who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't
ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man
gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks
and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired finlanders
from the UP of Michigan. They're waiting for happy hour when
drinks are half price.'

[tevake]

> >>> Tax return submitted by a New Jersey person The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to question 23: "Do you have anyone dependent on you?",
> >>> the man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000
> >>> criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians".
> >>>
> >>> On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”
> >>>
> >>> The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note: "Who did I leave out?"
> >>>>>>
> >>

[Hawkeye's-911T]

PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
(a little rough)

MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Cheers
JB

[sammyg2]

THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

As in 1906? ... come on.... It can't still be too soon.




A troop of Boy Scouts volunteered to pretend to be victims in a test of emergency systems.
A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.
One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but this brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."

[oldE]

In the community where my MIL grew up in the '30s, there was an old character who used to tell tall tales and the neighbourhood kids would gather at his place to hear him spin his yarns.
One day he told a story about duck hunting. He told then he quietly approached a small lake with his shotgun and there, on the surface of the lake were more ducks than he'd ever seen. He got into position and fired. When he was done collecting all the ducks he'd hit with that one shot, there were 99.
One of the boys in the group asked him why he didn't make it 100.
To which the man's wife retorted, "You don't think he'd lie for one duck, do you?"

Best
Les

[sammyg2]

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

[sammyg2]

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”

Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.” The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”

Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”

Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”

[GH85Carrera]

Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated benefits question.

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18 year old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result my step-daughter became my step mother and my father became my son in law.

My father's wife (also my step daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.

As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

Therefore it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step mother’s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

[flipper35]

Blondes are now telling alexandria ocasio-cortez jokes!

[DWBOX2000]

Saw Steve Sweeney the other night.
Guy goes in to see his doctor for Physical. Doctor tells him to take his clothes all off. Guy thinks its weird but does so.
Doctor says "An erection is 100% normal".
Guy says "I was worried about getting an erection".
Doctor says "I wasn't talking about you".

[DWBOX2000]

Sorry, "I was't worried" Dam, guess it's why Im not a comedian.

[Bob Kontak]

Originally Posted by DWBOX2000

Saw Steve Sweeney the other night.
Guy goes in to see his doctor for Physical. Doctor tells him to take his clothes all off. Guy thinks its weird but does so.
Doctor says "An erection is 100% normal".
Guy says "I was(n't) worried about getting an erection".
Doctor says "I wasn't talking about you".

Now, that's funny.

[GH85Carrera]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[sammyg2]

Originally Posted by DWBOX2000

Saw Steve Sweeney the other night.
Guy goes in to see his doctor for Physical. Doctor tells him to take his clothes all off. Guy thinks its weird but does so.
Doctor says "An erection is 100% normal".
Guy says "I was worried about getting an erection".
Doctor says "I wasn't talking about you".

Rick Wakeman, keyboardist for YES at the rock and roll hall of fame induction 2017:

[porsche tech]

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."
Tommy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back. That's fine."
The farmer said, "Sorry, I can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Tommy then said, "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, "Why? What ya gonna do with him?"
Tommy replied, "I’m going to raffle him off."
The farmer laughed and said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! Who'd buy a ticket?"
Tommy answered, "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won't tell anybody the horse is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?"
Tommy said, "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Tommy smiled and said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.

[brock911]

Good one.

[Rusty Heap]

What do you get, when a Cement Truck runs into the police Jail. ?







.......HARDENED CRIMINALS......

[porsche tech]

Two satellite dishes met on a rooftop and decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was great!

[stevej37]

^^^ Ahh...no more 'pay-per-view'