How about a joke thread?

[sf911]

This guy is fumbling for his house keys at 3 in the morning when his wife opens the door . She looks at him and says " Wow , are you ever drunk ! Why have you got a chicken under your arm ? " He glares back at her and says " This is the pig I been f#%king ! " You are really drunk this time ,the wife says, that's no pig , it's a chicken " He says " I was talking to the chicken !!! "

[Hawkeye's-911T]

I don't think this has made it here yet...

Some fun stuff for you older folks…
Sixty years of life in 5 minutes . . . here today, gone tomorrow.


Cheers
JB

[astrochex]

SNL Black Jeopardy
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AX7rliyPF48

[Baz]

[MBAtarga]

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...the certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[mrbeverlyhills]

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much older lady that she should bring her own grocery bags, because plastic bags are not good for the environment,.
The woman apologized to the young girl and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."
The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
The older lady said that she was right our generation didn't have the "green thing" in its day. The older lady went on toexplain: Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day. Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags that we reused for numerous things. Most memorable besides household garbage bags was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our school books. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.
But, too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then. We walked up stairs because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.
Back then we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 220 volts. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days.
Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.
Back then we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.
In the kitchen we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power.
We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blade in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost what a whole house did before the "green thing."
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest burger joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off... Especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't make change without the cash register telling them how much.

[GH85Carrera]

And most houses were not air conditioned. I never did get to go to an air conditioned school and I lived in Alabama and Texas, and Oklahoma as well as Hawaii.

Doors did not open up automatically with electric motors. and houses were smaller. The list is endless.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Husband !!!
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Colour of hair?
Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my Porsche
Sergeant:
What kind of Porsche was it?
Husband: (sobbing)
Porsche 991.2 Carrera C4S 7 speed PDK
Ambient Lighting pack - Creats headrests. heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, PCM Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black alcantara headlining, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with Black badges. Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - Non smoking pack - Rain sensing wipers, gloss black alloys, PCCB, glass roof, colour coded xenon washer jets, red seat belts.
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)




Sergeant:
Don't worry mate We'll find your Porsche !!!

Stay safe everyone

[GH85Carrera]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir.
They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?

[Bob Kontak]

Wife on her death bed.

George, if I die and you marry again, promise me one thing.

What's that love?

Promise you won't let her wear my clothes.

Aww, of course not, darling. They wouldn't fit Sondra anyway.

[Baz]

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word.

[porsche tech]

An elderly couple were at another elderly couple's house for dinner. After dinner the wives went into the kitchen to get dessert ready while the two gents talked. One says, " we went to a really good restaurant last week that I would highly recommend." The other guy says, "Oh, what was the name of it, maybe we'll try it." The first guys thinks for a minute then finally says, "What's that flower that you give someone you love and its red?" Other guy says, A rose?" First guy says "yeah"', looks toward the kitchen and hollers, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last week."

[1990C4S]

The most impressive thing about Trump versus Biden was that two guys in their seventies were able to maintain an election for four days.

[JJ 911SC]

[Fast Freddy 944]

Joke? Biggest joke of all time? Merica, for allowing dirty rat socialism to take root here. Big joke is on us...

[oldE]

Originally Posted by Fast Freddy 944

Joke? Biggest joke of all time? Merica, for allowing dirty rat socialism to take root here. Big joke is on us...

Now that's funny right there.!

Best
Les

[Zeke]

I can't find it anywhere but yesterday while watching the 600 mile race, a commercial aired for a game show (I think). Anyway, the announcer/host asked 2 contestants what would be the worst thing that could happen if they were having sex in the back seat of a car.

The female blurted, "Getting read ended." I almost fell out of the chair laughing while she turned to the camera with this big toothy grin. They cut right there at that.

Anyone see that? I'd love to share it.

[Racerbvd]

*_A girl missed her period 2 months ago,her mom took her to the clinic for pregnancy test of which it was positive.Embarrased, her mom said; who is the useless pig that got you pregnant? The girl picked up her phone and made a call, an hour later,a young handsome man drove in Ferrari to the girl's house. Good evening, the man greeted. Your daughter told me the problem in the house. I can't marry for now because of my family issue, but I promise I will take care of her for the rest of her life, and if she gives birth to a girl,I promised to buy her a mansion, 2 jeeps and 1 million dollars. If it's a boy, I'll buy her houses in a country side, 5 jeeps, 2 big factories and 5million dollars in her account. If it's twins, I'll do anything she asked. But if there's miscarriage, what do you suggest i do? The girls father silently pat the young man on his shoulder and said; my son, if there is miscarriage, you'll sleep with her again. 😀😀😀

pls don't laugh alone share to put smiles on someone's face _*

[Baz]

LOL.....

[GH85Carrera]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day. 'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'