How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in. Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.' Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'

[Bill Douglas]

I walked into a bar and saw a couple of fat revolting girls sitting up at the bar laughing and talking in a loud Northern UK accent. So I got a drink and sauntered over and said "You ladies from Scotland are you?" they said "Wales you idiot." So I said "Terribly sorry, you whales from Scotland are you?" That's how I got the black eye.

[pwd72s]

A sports reporter asked Michael Jordon if he though the 1990's Bulls could beat the Lebron era lakers,

He said the Bulls would win.

The reporter asked for a points spread.

Jordon said 5.

Reporter asked why so few?

Jordon said: "Well, we are almost 60 now..."

[Bill Douglas]

My sister could never get a date. A nice enough girl, possibly a bit dopey, but nice looking I guess. So I set her up with a friend to take her out to the movies.

He came to pick her up and he looked the proper gentleman. Even brought a bag of candy.

The next day I asked her how was the evening, and she said she couldn't stop laughing. Laughing I said, why? She said, well first of all he put his hand down the front of my bra. I said what did you do, and she said she couldn't stop laughing. I asked what happened next. She said he put his hand down the front of my panties. I said OMG, what did you do then. She explained that she started laughing even more. I asked why was that? And she said because the bag of candy was in my handbag the whole time.

[pwd72s]

My hot flight attendant asked how I liked my coffee. Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me; "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here."

[stevej37]

I think I have read all the jokes on this thread over the years.
This one is my favorite. (it's on here at least 3 times)....



A man is driving along one day when he notices a sign on a house reading, "Talking Dog For Sale".

He pulls over and asks the fellow sitting on the porch about it and is told the dog is out in the back yard.

Hurrying around behind the house, he sees a big Yellow Lab relaxing in the shade of a tree. "So, you must be the talking dog…..what's your story?"

The dog stretches a bit and begins talking. "Yes, it's true….I discovered this gift as a pup and decided to offer my services to the Federal Government. I was assigned to an overseas embassy where I eavesdropped on conversations among foreign diplomats. They never suspected that a dog could understand what they were saying and I was able to expose a dangerous spy ring and prevent the assassination of a top American official. After returning to the U.S., I took a job with the National Security Agency, working at JFK airport. While roaming around the concourse one day, I overheard two men discussing a plot to hijack an airliner and was able to prevent a terrible disaster. I was recognized by the President for my services and was awarded a special Canine Medal of Honor. I left the Agency soon after, settled down with a "Best-in Show" bit_h, raised a bunch of pups and now I'm retired."

The man is astounded. He races back to the front of the house and asks the guy how much he wants for the dog.

"I'll sell him to you for 25 dollars" he replies.

"Only 25 dollars….how come so cheap?"

"Because he's such a damn liar…..he never did any of that s#!t!"

[masraum]

Not exactly a joke, but very funny.

[stevej37]

[oldE]

True story:
Yesterday I was getting clothes out of the machine and was missing a sock. Because I was talking in a room with no one else around, my seven years old grand daughter came in and asked what I was saying. I replied I was looking for a sock in the wash.
She advised me the clothes were playing "Hide n sock " with me.

Smart arsed kid.

Best
Les

[Nick Triesch]

How much did the pirate pay for his new ear rings ? A buck an ear.

[Nick Triesch]

What did the Buffalo say to his boy when he dropped him off at school? By Son.

[Nick Triesch]

Horse walks into a bar and bartender asks, why the long face?

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by Nick Triesch

How much did the pirate pay for his new ear rings ? A buck an ear.

Guy showed up on the dock and claimed he was a pirate with a chest of gold on his ship. A crowd formed around him listening to his tales of the sea, but one skeptic wasn't having any of it.

"Oh yeah? If you're a pirate, where are your buccaneers?"

"They're under my buckin' hat, where else?" he replied.

[Zeke]

What, did you guys fine an old joke book from WWII?

[Rapewta]

My 11 yr old Grandaughter gave me this one....

When to you go on the "Red" and stop on the "Green?"

Ans..... When eating watermelon.

[Baz]

[Fast Freddy 944]

Why do Mary Kay sales women walk funny? Because their lipstic....

[Steve Carlton]

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents.

[oldE]

The easiest way to tell an alligator from a crocodile is to note whether you see it later or after a while.

Best
Les

[billybek]

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "Ahve got everything organised
already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the
minister, even ma stag night...

Archie nods approvingly.

"Heavens, Ahve even bought a kilt tae be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!

"And what's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."