How about a joke thread?

[Isabo]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think
is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied,
"No peer pressure."
_______________________________
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
__________________________________________________ __
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
________________________________
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
______________________________
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
__________________________________________________ __________
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
________________________________
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
_______________________________
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
______________________________
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
______________________________
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.
________________________________
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[imcarthur]

The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

This year's term: Political Correctness

"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

[75Carrera]

Adult question.....................

What
Fits
Between your Boobs,




Inserts
Neatly in a Hole




What Gets
Longer When Pulled,




AND





Works
Best When Jerked?







A
Seatbelt, you Pervert ! Buckle Up !

[Superman]

Probably not so much funny as just a bit amusing, but I was reflecting last night on a high school classmate. Her name, no kidding, was Anita Johnson.

[widgeon13]

Originally Posted by Superman

Probably not so much funny as just a bit amusing, but I was reflecting last night on a high school classmate. Her name, no kidding, was Anita Johnson.

I knew a gal by the name of Edith Dyck, everybody callher Eda

[75Carrera]

How about Susan Elaine Pigg "Sue-e-pig" (Actual person)

[75Carrera]

A Republican cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Hillary Clinton is attending and trying to gather more support for her nomination. Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.



As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"



She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."



"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."



"Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"



"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies , "I have too much respect for citizens of New York to call their Senator a horse's ass."



"That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.



After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[strupgolf]

A guy and gal were driving down the road late one night when she says to her guy, slow down, quick, slow down. He says why and she says they just passed a little baby skunk on the side of the road. He says what the hell, I dont stop for things like that. She says please, or please, I want to see if its hurt. So, he pulls over, she gets out and picks up the skunk. Poor little skunk, she says, I need to bring it home to get it back to recovery. He just stares at this and says ok. They get back in the car and drive off, but she looks down and see that the baby skunk was cold and shivering. He says too bad, why dont you put it between your legs to warm it up. She then says "what about the smell" it gives off. He says thats ok, just hold his little nose.

[75Carrera]

TAKE DOWN the BIRD FEEDER!



I bought a bird feeder. I hung

it on my back porch and filled

it lovingly with seed. It was indeed

a beautiful bird feeder



Within a week

we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the

continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.


But then the birds started building nests in the boards

of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the bird ****.

It was everywhere;

on the patio tile, the chairs, the table .....

everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean.

They would dive bomb me and try to

peck me even though I had fed them

out of my own pocket.


And others birds were boisterous and loud.

They sat on the feeder and

squawked and screamed at

all hours of the day and night

and demanded that I fill it

when it got low on food.


After a while, I couldn't even

sit on my own back porch

anymore. So I took down the

bird feeder and in three days

the birds were gone.



I cleaned up their mess and took down

the many nests they had built

all over the patio.


Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ... quiet, serene

and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see ...



Our government gives out

free food, subsidized housing,

free medical care, and free education

and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.



Then the illegals came by the millions.

Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for

free services; small apartments

are housing 5 or more families; you

have to wait 6 hours to be seen

by a doctor in an emergency room

because it is filled with illegals;

your child's 2nd grade class is

behind other schools because

over half the class doesn't speak English.


Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box;

I have to 'press one' to hear my bank

talk to me in English, and

people waving flags other

than 'Old Glory' are

squawking and screaming

in the streets, demanding

more rights and free liberties.


Its just my opinion but:



maybe, just maybe,

it's time for the government

to take down the damn bird feeder.

[Superman]

That's just hilarious, donny. It's a simple and effective mischaracterization.

[Superman]

That's just hilarious, donny. It's a simple and effective mischaracterization.

[75Carrera]

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.

According to the nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum
jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

[75Carrera]

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.



The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice
pigs, sir."



The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for
Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."



The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,
"Excellent trade, sir."

[75Carrera]

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama
Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand & picked it
up. Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle
and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you
one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy
Daughter-of-a-dog!
Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common
woman giving me anything."
The shocked Genie said, "Please, I must grant you
a wish or I will be returned to that bottle
forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the
impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I
want to awaken with three American women in my
bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with
you."

The annoyed Genie said, "So be it!" and
disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with
Lorena Bobbitt,
Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he
had no health insurance.

God is Good

[Vern Lyle]

Mother Superior wants the convent freshened up and gets two young novitiates to do the painting. After a few hours they are working up a sweat so decide to take off their habits.
Alarmed by a knock at the door, they ask, “Who’s there?”

The reply comes back, “Blind man”.

Thinking he is a poor beggar, they shrug and think what’s the harm in letting this guy in.

So the youngest one opens the door and the guy says “Nice tits… where do you want these blinds?”

[450knotOffice]

DEER Meat

A man kills a
deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide
that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give them
a clue and let them guess . The kids were eager to know what the meat
was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.




Well, he said,
'it's what mommy calls me sometimes.'




The little girl screams to her brother,
'Don't eat it, it's an @$$h0le.'

[peppy]

I don't remember the joke, but the punch line was: It's my d*** I can wash it as fast as I want.

If you know the joke please share it.

[cstreit]

HER DIARY:
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

[Racerbvd]

'GATOR WISDOM
Two alligators were sitting in the swamp talking. The smaller one
turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin
be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the **** out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the **** out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an ******* and a briefcase.

[Racerbvd]

Don't toot in Bed!

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and
I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The
only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of tooting loudly
every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and
make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one
day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was prep aring the turkey for dinner
and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put
the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and,
gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of
his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which
was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps
as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked
him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I
didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up tooting my guts out,
and today it finally happened.

But, by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most
of them back in."